Plumb Line & Sinker or The Leaning Towers of San Francisco

“Often to understand, we have to look into emptiness.”
– Michelangelo Antonioni

 New York's Billionaires Row - in Street View 

Plumb Line & Sinker

or

The Leaning Towers of San Francisco

a thriller in one act

(c) 2017 by Jamie Jobb

“ALFRED HITCHCOCK” (off): Ladies and gentlemen. The horrible story

you are about to experience is true. Only the names have been

changed for your own personal suspicious interests.

Downtown San Francisco – twilight.

Occupational Safety and Health Administration cellar office, downstage left. Dimly lit. HONEY GINSENG, an Asian female and OSHA Risk Manager,

enters left; HOMER B. GOODRICH, a male in uniform, enters right.

He wears official badge, flat-top cap and ridiculous outfit with bow-tie.

Honey holds up fancy RFID Scanner full of dials and lights.

PROJECTION: inside a high-rise root cellar with seismic monitoring equipment

and wine bottles stacked behind backlit glass cabinets.

HONEY GINSENG: Ever run one of these?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: They use ‘em at Safeway … tracks bar codes.

HONEY GINSENG: Exact same deal. But ours also track altitude. Global position.

Precise inclination. Declension and declination.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: What do we need all that? OSHA can’t track product.

That’s Commerce.

HONEY GINSENG: We’re tracking people. Up and down. In and out of the building.

(beat) RFID.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: What on earth for?

HONEY GINSENG: So they don’t fall! Think about it. Transcendental Towers are very

tall erections. Many residents are seniors – a lot of them rich-and-famous, well-represented in court. You’ll know them when you see them. No need for Face-Recognition software – just use your considerable charms. Impress them with your vast knowledge.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: They’re big shots … why would they listen to me?

HONEY GINSENG: It’s a long and difficult ride down! ... Get them to talk amongst

themselves. Learn what they know. You’re the only person who can save their precious investments from ruin! You’ll be a Local Hero. Remember, our primary concern is Health and Safety … and not necessarily in that order.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: If y’all don’t mind my sayin’ … I think … this seems a bit

legally challenged. It’s risky business. I can’t get reinvolved with risky business at my age. Miss Ginseng, I’m nobody’s spy!

HONEY GINSENG: Call me Honey. (beat) Listen ... Cal/OSHA dropped the ball when

they suspended inspection fees last year with that ridiculous one-time waiver. Congress hit the roof and brought us in to insure, inspire and inspect our residents. We face a very dangerous situation here in these Twin Towers. Household Structural Security is compromised. It all could come crashing down. We need to keep up their spirits! (beat) Do you have a grandma?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: ... Huh?

HONEY GINSENG: Do you have a grandmother?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … One of each.

HONEY GINSENG: Would you want either of them to fall? Break a hip ... end up in a

wheelchair? In a tall building ... rest of her life? (beat) Huh!?!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Course not!

HONEY GINSENG: Take the RFID! (hands him Scanner) Use it to scan everybody

who enters your elevator. We need their data. Their very lives depend on you. As we say: “Chaos happens – Order is a Constant Struggle!” (indicating Scanner) Bone up on their tenant profiles, and … don’t let anyone fall!

HONEY GINSENG exits left.

Homer crosses to Elevator, right.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (aside): She takes the fun out of erectile dysfunction … I can’t

let them fall! I can’t let them fall! … But, what if someone falls … in love?

AUDIO: jackhammer burst. Then traffic.

PROJECTION: inside a modern high-rise – steel and glass and views.

Billboard with logo: “Transcendental Towers – Uplifted Living in The Cloud”.

Homer engages Scanner. It flashes.

AUDIO: Elevator motor hum starts up. Sudden Muzak.

Homer enters Elevator, downstage right.

He studies Scanner intently.

APARTMENT unlit upstage left, with bench and lamp. As scene

develops in Elevator, a tall fidgety athlete named HUNTER SUSPENSE

will begin a series of simple actions in Apartment which

run parallel to the primary action on Elevator.

APARTMENT:

AUDIO: Alarm clock.

HUNTER SUSPENSE wakes up,

turns on lamp …

WILLIE NOUN, dapper male wearing luxurious suit and tie, enters right.

AUDIO: small bell.

Door “opens” with metallic wheezing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Sixty ... Step up!

Willie steps up to enter Elevator.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Nobody wants to fall in an elevator!

AUDIO: small bell as door “closes”.

Homer scans bankcard.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (reads scanner): Willie Noun? So pleased to meet

Y’all’s Highness way up here … in The Cloud (sic)! That No-Child-Left-Inside program was a huge success. Especially after y’all left Sacramento for the private sector.

Willie admires his own shoes.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Credit or debit?

WILLIE NOUN: Credit.

APARTMENT:

Hunter exits, left ...

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I’m world famous too ... Last Elevator Man on the West Coast –

unquote! … Says so in The Los Angeles Times … Swipin’ y’all’s cards at five bucks a ride. Better than swipin’ booze, I guess ... Y’all ever swiped anything?

WILLIE NOUN: Down please!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Goin’ up’s no problem, but goin’ down … not so easy! That’s

why y’all need me up here at Club Level. Right at the pinnacle … sixty flights up! Nobody steals nothin’ up here ... “Top of the World, Ma!” (beat) Now, let’s go visit the downtrodden masses below …

Homer punches down button.

AUDIO: another bell.

WILLIE NOUN: Heaven help those homeless.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: They sure can’t afford to live up here. But we know what Miss

Liberty says: “Give me y’all’s tired, y’all’s poor, y’all’s huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of y’all’s teeming shore. Send these, THE HOMELESS, tempest-tossed to me.”

AUDIO: Elevator groans.

… then electronic clicking as gears begin to move.

WILLIE NOUN: When are we going down?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: When this cab is good and ready, sir. We’re in a federally-

mandated emergency first-response situation here. Y’all’s my responsibility ‘til we hit the street … No auto-pilot, here. No sir! (aside) I wish I had enough loose change to invest in a high-rise condo that I never had to live in …

AUDIO (off): toilet flush.

APARTMENT:

Hunter reenters,

begins his yoga stretches …

AUDIO: slow grind of gears, sounds almost musical.

Both passengers lurch in unison.

AUDIO: another bell.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Fifty Nine!

Pause.

Willie taps his Apple Watch.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: They put me up here for public safety and haphazard

infrastructure surveillance. Can’t lie about building height, no sir. OSHA requires me to disclose it’s six hundred feet from the roof to Mission Street – minus a foot or two … Not to mention two whole floors missing – Forty-Four and Thirteen! (beat.) Hank Aaron and Joaquin Arias … (pause) Giants? World Series? … utility infielder …

WILLIE NOUN (studies his shoes): Not my tenure, I’m afraid...

Pause.

AUDIO: gear grind continues.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I don’t wanna be here neither! I’d already retired my

own self when they called me back. They got me stranded over a pickle barrel … Stock options. IRA maturing. Penalty Payments. Re-entitlement fees. The ice melting! Had no choice but to come back.

Willie rubs one shoe against back of pant leg.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: After Cal/OSHA waived elevator fees mysteriously last year,

Congress stepped in to fund our full budget for Disaster Relief. Then they brought me aboard to protect all y’all’s neighbors! Under Section Nineteen-Seventeen-Point-One-One-Six of The Elevator Regs … because this cab can’t “self-level” and the doors don’t close “full shaft”. Unquote.

APARTMENT:

Hunter exits to “take” shower.

AUDIO (off): shower water running …

Willie fusses with his tie.

AUDIO: another bell.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Fifty Eight! With these Towers sinking and settling and

tilting … y’all need a federally-certified elevator operator on site ... IUEC - Local 8 … to assure things are plumb and rigged secure. That’s me, Homer B. Goodrich: Last Elevator Operator on the West Coast. Securin’ Transcendental Towers at five-bucks-a-ride ... Plus tips ...

Homer puts out his hand. Willie offers nothing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Who knew I’d come back to tame “The Leaning Tower of San

Francisco”? … That’s what The Santa Clara Mercury-News Tribune-Times calls it. I’ll be a Local Hero, I think.

Willie takes out handkerchief and refolds it.

He returns it to his pocket.

AUDIO: another bell.

Pause.

Homer fidgets.

Pause.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Excuse me Mister Mayor, but I can’t let this slide. I thought

y’all were black ... Obviously that’s not true. So let me ask Y’all’s Honor: How could they get away with this … catastrophe? The building’s sunk two and a half feet already. And it’s tilting a-foot-and-a-half toward Portland. They didn’t go to bedrock. They should have driven piles down two hundred feet. They stopped at a hundred!

WILLIE NOUN: What’s being black got to do with anything?

HOMER B. GOODRICH (flummoxed): … Of course, I didn’t mean that … Black

Budgets Matter ... I mean Black-Lives-Matter! But … I mean those idiots

who caused the Twin Towers to sink ... y’all know who they are … I’m not

sayin’ I know, but (back on track) I hear y’all’s penthouse sold for twelve mil.

WILLIE NOUN: I’m not sayin’ you-all know either. (beat) Ten mil! Can’t

we-all go any faster?

AUDIO: another bell.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Fifty Seven! … We’re dropping on Full Caution Mode, Sir.

Six Degrees of Declination. So the gears don’t lock up on us … and we drop

like a hot rock through a freeze-dried tomato. OSHA’s got y’all’s roof-access

fees and wine codes covered. It’s in the homeowners agreement.

WILLIE NOUN: Cover you-all’s own access, please.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Problem is the so-called “Club Chill”. Planning Commission

and DA knew they were building on bay fill and the quicksands of the Old Barbary Coast. They’re all on the Dole, that Republican pineapple! Bob Dole’s law firm drafted all the deals for this development including the faulty refrigerated foundation built to chill our residents’ wine collections!

Puzzled pause. Willie scrutinizes Homer.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Bet y’all don’t know that! Why do we call it “Going on

The Dole.” …. ‘Ey? … Half of Hawaii on welfare. Dole did it! A Democrat

has got to know that!

WILLIE NOUN: Where do you get this so-called “information”? Don’t tell

me … you-all’s Tweeternet?

AUDIO: bell rings twice.

Both passengers lurch in unison.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Fifty-Six ... Pickin’ up a little speed here! … It’s all true,

I tell ya what. There’s no thirteenth floor. No forty-fourth. Like baseball,

the architect was superstitious. Oakland A’s fan. He didn’t like the cost

of bedrock. Thought he could finesse it by running slab mats and

friction piles. And cuttin’ out two whole floors. Livin' On The Dole, indeed.

WILLIE NOUN: … I live in the St. Regis.

AUDIO (off): shower water stops …

APARTMENT:

Hunter enters in bathrobe

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I know but, it looks like y’all live here ... (checking Scanner)

From my chart, y’all’s tracks are all over the Grand Residences in these

Towers. Both of ‘em!

Willie takes out cell phone, grimaces. Puts it back.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA, an Italian opera singer with cape and cane, enters right.

AUDIO: another bell.

Door “opens” with metallic wheezing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (matter of fact): Fifty-Five… Step up!

Giuseppe steps up into Elevator.

AUDIO: small bell as door “closes”.

Homer scans bankcard.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Giuseppe Montegna! (bows) It’s a pleasure, Sir! Didn’t

y’all have to flee the homeland in order to escape the wrath of Silvio Berlusconi? Wrongly accused, and run out of Italy on false embezzlement charges … Berlusconi kept perpetuating big lies in his newspapers and magazines …

had to leave y’all’s folks behind.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA (nods): Sadly so. I miss Mama and Papa. And my sisters.

I miss the cooking! I sing to them on Skype. But I cannot see them in front

of me ... alas. I suffer like the great Beniamino Gigli! Mussolini’s favorite

tenor – brutally punished for the favor of his friendship. That’s what

happened to me --- same talent, different dictator!

Pause.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Credit or debit?

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: Debit … Going down?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: It’s all downhill these days at Transcendental Towers!

Just like hitting those low, low notes at War Memorial Opera House.

Like Tilson Michael-Thomas says “Nobody handles Handel like you

handle Handel!” Mama Massiah! (bowing) I’m the conductor on

this slow boat to Mission Street!

Homer punches down button, wary Giuseppe looks to ceiling.

AUDIO: another

bell.

Passengers lurch in unison.

AUDIO: slow grinding gears.

Pause.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I can’t reveal my sources, but we’re required to reduce our rate

of drop to facilitate effective ingress and egress … So y’all may go about all y’all’s business on a daily basis from time to time. Five dollars a ride, charged to y’all’s card … Tips not included.

Homer holds out his hand. Passengers offer nothing.

APARTMENT:

HUNTER gets dressed ...

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Y’all shoulda been here in Twenty-Ten when SpiderDan The

Skyscraperman crawled up the Towers using seduction (sic) cups.

WILLIE NOUN (aside): Crackpot!

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: Read it in La Monde. He’s Russian ... or Canadian? … Some

circus fool, a foreigner!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: He’s a Goodwin ... Donny Goodwin. That’s his real name.

Went to Notre Dame, full ride. Swimmer. Good Catholic, absolved

of his sins after they arrested him.

APARTMENT:

Hunter makes a snack ...

AUDIO: Elevator gear gives out with loud thud.

WILLIE NOUN (agitated): Now what?!?

HOMER B. GOODRICH (calm): We’ve had another slight delay … Gear realignment ...

Nobody lived in the building at the time. But SFPD arrested Donny for Trespass. Creating a Public Nuisance. Urban Voyeurism. And Impersonating an Athlete on the Side of a High Rise.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: How could Donny get charged with Nuisance Trespass when

nobody lived here? How could police prove he was Peeping Tom … No Lady Godiva in sight?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Talk about Godiva! Have you heard about the high-rise

treehouse grandma with the pet raccoon in downtown Miami? They tried to drive her out of her digs … She’s been up there for a quarter century. Sunbathing in the nude! She’s getting them for Sexual Harassment and Indecent Procedures.

AUDIO: sudden screeching, like BART wheels. It stops.

WILLIE NOUN (breaks down): I … I don’t live here! … I’ve got friends-with-benefits

on the top floor. They have trouble sleeping ... They know this place is severely stressed … too tall! Bad wind shear gives them nightmares … And the chills ... They need my nocturnal comforts. Both of ‘em … Night after night.

Tower after Tower …

Pause.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (aside): ... The famous Peeping Willie!

WILLIE NOUN (fully anxious): Why … are … we … not … moving?!?

Willie jumps up …

AUDIO: a loud pop and snap as he lands.

Sudden lurch, all passengers squat in unison.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (matter of fact): Going down …

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “54-53-52-51-50”.

Floor numbers fall in unison with Homer’s countdown …

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Chronicle said Donny was a circus acrobat … (bell) …

Fifty-Four … Some kind of tent performer… (bell) … Fifty-Three … A bedouin who likes fresh air … (bell) … Fifty-Two … Y’all won’t find me suspended on no rope … (bell) … Fifty-One … Turn into a pendulum … Nobody wants to swing like that … (bell) … Fifty … Even in San Francisco.

AUDIO: another loud thud, gear grinds to halt.

APARTMENT:

Hunter eats his kale ...

Passengers squat in unison.

AUDIO: another bell and clicking spike heels.

JUANITALITA RICE, a very attractive, vaguely Hispanic female in outrageous plumed dance costume and spike heels, enters right. She also wears a very large Beach Blanket Babylon style hat in the shape of two tall skyscrapers – The Transcendental Towers – tilting wildly on her head.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Forty-Nine … Step down!

AUDIO: another bell.

Door “opens” with metallic wheezing.

Juanitalita steps down into Elevator.

One hand holds cell phone, the other holds hat.

AUDIO: small bell as door “closes”.

Homer scans bankcard.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Juanitalita Rice … dad in the Hall of Fame!?! Y’all

were there for his introduction (sic) ceremony. Just out of high school. Got to go to the White House when he was honored for his One-Brick-At-A-Time Foundation. Y’all wrote his acceptance speech. As a high school senior!

JUANITALITA RICE: Yes! Nobody hit more home runs since Babe Ruth! Dad got

Purple Hearts too.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Weren’t y’all in the news?

JUANITALITA RICE (gushes): Just get named new CEO at Twitter … Youngest

ever Fortune Five Hundred CEO! Do you read my blog: “DIY Headhunter”? I take Human Resources to another level ... Social-ize-me!

Juanitalita takes a selfie of Homer and herself.

Her cell phone rings, she answers it.

She takes selfie of herself solo.

Pause.

Cell phone rings again, she taps cell.

AUDIO: fingernails tap-tap-tap.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Credit or debit?

JUANITALITA RICE (fumbles through purse): Hold on, dear. (to Homer) Credit

card, I think … How do we tell? They’re all the same size.

Juanitalita hands Homer bankcard.

Homer scans card.

Juanitalita returns to her phone, texting.

AUDIO: fingernails click-click-click.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Going down!

Homer punches down button.

AUDIO: another bell.

Passengers lurch in unison.

AUDIO: louder grinding of gears.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: Where’d you get that precipitous hat, may I ask?

It looks oh, so vaguely familiar.

JUANITALITA RICE (still texting): I’m in “Beach Blanket Babylon”.

Climax of the shows.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: You’re a show girl wearing a hat full of the very

buildings we call home? My word!

GIUSEPPE/JUANITALITA (proudly): ... Transcendental Towers!

JUANITALITA RICE (shimmies like Carol Doda): Both of ‘em!

WILLIE NOUN: This is one crazy town, I tell ya what.

JUANITALITA RICE (to Willie): You try parking in North Beach with this

rig on your head! (maneuvering hat) You gotta be very level-headed!

(into phone) Sorry Darling, we’re going as fast as we can.

AUDIO: slow grinding continues,

Juanitalita’s fingernails tap-tap-tap.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Y’all live in the Grand Residences way up here in

The Cloud (sic). Think about folks in the City Residences down below …

not to mention the Ordinary Residences below them … They get all y’all’s weight! This is the heaviest building in San Francisco.

JUANITALITA (looks up): I feel their pains. (continues texting)

Juanitalita takes another selfie.

AUDIO: sudden sharp grinding of gears,

sudden metal crack and cable snap,

loud alarm as Elevator again begins to drop.

Juanitalita’s hat swirls wildly, towers tilting.

Passengers lurch in unison.

WILLIE NOUN (suddenly alert): We seem to be gaining substantial speed!?

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “48-47-46-45”.

Floor numbers count down as Homer calls them out.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (matter of fact): Forty-Eight. (bell) …

JUANITALITA RICE (grimaced, but texting): I feel My Pains!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Forty-Seven. (bell) … Never trust a bathroom

scale in a high-rise!

APARTMENT:

Hunter reads Architecture Today…

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Forty-Six. (bell) … Besides, I think this

lift might be sabotaged.

WILLIE NOUN: Yeeeooowwww!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Forty-Five (bell) … Woops … There’s no floor forty-four!

PROJECTION: Floor counter suck at “44” and “Hank Aaron” flashing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: The Counter stopped counting … but we’re still falling! It’s

all y’all’s weight. Gravity makes everybody weigh more at this altitude!

Juanitalita and Giuseppe glare at Homer.

Homer frantically punches down button repeatedly.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Don’t take it personal ... It’s math ... Weight is a factor of

gravity times distance … Multiply height times two ... for the Twin Towers.

Passengers lurch in unison.

Juanitalita’s hat topples to floor.

Pause.

Juanitalita suddenly slaps Giuseppe,

picks up her hat and returns it to her head, awkwardly.

AUDIO: loud screeching of BART wheels.

WILLIE NOUN (concerned): We’re gathering downhill ... mo- … men- …

(jumps) … -tum!

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “42-41-40-39-38-37”.

Floors count down as Homer calls them.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: If y’all ask me, it’s the sinkholes. (bell) … Forty-Two… This

part of The City is built on karst typography (sic) ... (bell) … Forty-One … All very very ripe for sinkholes … (bell) … Forty … Worse than quakes … (bell) … Thirty-Nine … Sinkholes hurt, y’all! … (bell) … Thirty-Eight … Any minute, the bottom falls out … (bell) … Thirty-Seven … We call it The Devil’s Millhopper!

WILLIE NOUN: Are we in … Free-Fall?!?

Homer and three Passengers shake ever more violently.

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “36-35-34-33-32-31-30-29”.

Floors count down as Homer calls them out.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Nothin’ Free about it, baby … (bell) … Thirty-Six … I won’t

let y’all fall. I won’t let y’all fall!… (bell) … Thirty-Five …

JUANITALITA RICE: I can’t fall … I got a Show tonight!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Thirty-Four (bell) … Think about how it’d hurt if y’all’s

bottom dropped out … (bell) … Thirty-Three … I read The Frankfurter Report … (bell) … Thirty-Two … Sam Frankfurter knows what’s going down … (bell) … Thirty-One… It was printed on line in full … (bell) … Thirty … by The Santa Clara Mercury-News … Tribune-Times … (bell) … Twenty-Nine… A chilled foundation is a bad idea!

AUDIO: gears lock with three loud knocks.

Passengers’ knees buckle in unison.

Elevator grinds to halt.

BUSTER “STRETCH” KAEPENSTANCE, a tall and thin athlete in Afro wig, enters.

AUDIO: small bell.

Door “opens” with metallic wheezing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Twenty-Eight … Step up!

Kaepenstance steps up into Elevator.

AUDIO: small bell as door “closes”.

Homer scans bankcard.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Buster Kaepenstance!

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: Call me “Stretch” … please! Everybody else does.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: “Stretch” Kaepenstance! Oaktown’s own! Twenty-two years

at first base for the Athletics! American League endurance record at the position. And … the last MLB teammate to remain standing for the National Anthem. Talk about pressure. (drops to a knee) It’s a pleasure, Sir!

Buster tosses Homer a baseball.

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: Give this to my people. They’ll have it autographed and

authenticated. It’s worth five grand, with certificate ... If you get it notarized.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (swipes card): Thanks ... Credit or debit?

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: Debit … Going down? I’m in a hurry. Gotta get to the

studio before batting practice. Endorsements keep piling up, the longer I hold out. Billy Ball been bery bery good to me!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: It’s a gas havin’ such a talented athlete and actor in

my Elevator – a “Natural” who doesn’t shy away from life’s curveballs.

We just had a little incident up on Club Level. Supposed to be taking

our time going down. But the gears aren’t cooperating. Hold on …

We’re a little slow today, with this new braking system.

APARTMENT:

Hunter packs his bags …

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: I know all about bad breaks!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Our brakes are good. I won’t let y’all fall!

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: I can handle pressure. Whole country

hates me because I won’t take a knee!

Homer punches down button.

Passengers lurch in unison.

AUDIO: another bell.

Then a sudden violent shaking and grinding of gears.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Oh no!

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “27-26-25-24-23-22-21-20-19-18-17-16-15-14”.

rapid bells punctuate drop as Homer does not call out floors.

JUANITALITA RICE: Are we falling?

WILLIE NOUN (looks up): We dropped fifteen floors at once!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I won’t let y’all fall!

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: You can fix anything with a C-note?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I won’t let y’all fall!

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: We are falling!

AUDIO: loud screech.

JUANITALITA RICE: My costume’s too tight!

WILLIE NOUN (looks up): I’m never goin’ back up there!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I won’t let y’all fall!

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: Is this sliding scale?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I won’t let y’all fall!

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE (sings): “Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light”… !

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Wooops … no floor thirteen! Counter stopped again!

And we’re still falling!

PROJECTION: floor counter suck on “13” and “Arias” alternatively flashing.

AUDIO: sudden crack of metal and snap of cable.

Small bell as Elevator again begins to drop …

AUDIO: rapid air movement.

PROJECTION: “12-11-10-9” coincide with rapid passing of floors.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I won’t let y’all fall!!! I won’t…

AUDIO: a small bell.

Homer taps Scanner.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Twelve! (bell)… My Scanner’s out-of-phase.

(checking device) We’ve Stablerized (sic) a bit, but if someone doesn’t stop us … we’ll blow through Club Chill … and hit Barbary Quicksand!

WILLIE NOUN: This building needs a root canal!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Eleven! (bell) Only one thing’ll stop us now! Someone

calls a floor before we hit bottom!

JUANITALITA RICE: Like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Ten (bell).

BUSTER KAPENSTANCE: Call Tony Bennett!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Sorry Tony! This elevator is a dart aimed at the very Heart of

San Francisco! If we hit Club Chill Root Cellar with this much weight, all San Andreas is gonna blow!

AUDIO (off): door closes.

APARTMENT:

Hunter leaves apartment …

JUANITALITA RICE: How dare you insult my figures!

… Hunter crosses toward Elevator, right.

HUNTER SUSPENSE: … Road trip!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Nine (bell)!

Beat.

Hunter punches Elevator button.

AUDIO: loud screeching stop.

Suddenly Passengers recoil, pop up erect to stand still.

AUDIO: small bell.

Door opens with metallic wheezing.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Eight (bell) … Step up!

Hunter steps up into Elevator.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Y’all punched that button at exactly the right time! Stopped a

run-away elevator full of celebrities and important people! (checks Scanner) And … We’re back in phase!

HUNTER SUSPENSE: Wasn’t that hard … Glad I could help y’all!

Homer scans bankcard.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Hunter Suspence! A Giant among men … and women. No

better closer in the National League … “Hold ‘Em” Hunter ... Another save!

Passengers cheer.

HOMER B. GOODRICH (swipes card): Credit or debit?

Pause.

HUNTER SUSPENSE: What’s That Thing? (indicating Scanner).

HOMER B. GOODRICH: It’s OSHA’s official Elevated-Passenger Scanner.

We use it to track payments. Altitude. People.

HUNTER SUSPENSE: Cool, I could track my teammates. Bet it’d look great

on my scooter. Can I borrow it?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I don’t think it’s that useful anymore. It malfunctioned

until y’all saved us.

HUNTER SUSPENSE: If I saved y’all’s lives, I can save a dang Elevated-Passenger

Scanner!

Hunter takes Scanner.

HUNTER SUSPENSE: I’m taking this back home to fix. Y’all go on ... I’ll

catch the next one down.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: All right. Thanks for stopping by ...

Small bell as door closes.

Hunter exits Elevator, heads for apartment

AUDIO: grinding of gears.

Passengers lurch in unison.

APARTMENT:

Hunter locks up Scanner

in closet and it begins to glow.

AUDIO: Barry White …

Homer punches down button.

AUDIO: down bell and gears hum.

PROJECTION: “7-6-5-4-3-2-1”.

Floors count down as Homer calls them out.

Passengers slowly chant as Elevator now goes down safely.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Seven… (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Give me your tired …”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Six … (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Your poor huddled masses ...”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Five… (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Burning to breathe free …”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Four… (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Wretched refuse ... teeming shore …”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Three… (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Send your homeless …”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … Two … (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Tempest-tossed to me …”

HOMER B. GOODRICH: … One! … (bell).

PASSENGERS: “Lift our lamp to Liberty!”

AUDIO: a bell cracks, gears stop.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Mission Street! Safe and sound ... Y’all did not fall!

Y’all did not fall!

WILLIE NOUN (checks Apple Watch): … And it only took twenty minutes!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: OSHA would like to thank y’all for y’all’s patience and

strong fortitude. Staff is handing out free turnips, yams and wine filters in Club Chill Root Cellar!

JUANITALITA RICE: I could use some filters!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Also, as a way of saying thanks for the inconvenience,

there’s a free wine-tasting tonight.

GIUSEPPE MONTEGNA: And I could sure use a taste of that!

BUSTER KAEPENSTANCE: Me too! Endorsements can wait!

JUANITALITA RICE: We had our thrills, now we can chills!

PROJECTION: “Club Chill Root Cellar”.

GIUSEPPE, JUANITALITA, and BUSTER exit right, chatting.

HOMER and WILLIE remain on elevator.

WILLIE NOUN: I don’t drink anymore. Gets me in too much trouble.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: I can’t drink on the job!

HONEY GINSENG suddenly enters Elevator.

HONEY GINSENG: Where’s the Scanner?

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Hunter Suspense took it.

HONEY GINSENG: What!?!

HOMER B. GOODRICH: He’s gonna fix it. He wants it for his scooter.

HONEY GINSENG: Scooter!?! That grown man – that Jock – has a scooter! Is there

no end to the risks I must take on this job? That Scanner is federal property! He won’t get away with this! I’ll apprehend his assets!

Honey pushes Homer and Willie out of Elevator.

She punches Elevator button.

HONEY GINSENG: Going up!!!

AUDIO: bell indicates door “closes”.

PROJECTION: “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8”.

AUDIO: bell indicates door “opens”.

Honey exits elevator,

rushes to Hunter’s Apartment,

rings his bell.

He opens door.

PROJECTION: Man Cave pulsating light.

AUDIO: a Barry White impression.

Honey leaps into Hunter’s arms.

HONEY GINSENG: Hunter ... gather me!

AUDIO: door slam, muffled Barry White ...

Door “opens” again Hunter hangs Scanner on door

Pulsating lights and ...

PROJECTION: “Do Not Disturb” (flashes)

FADE

Upstage center, Willie and Homer remain at Elevator door,

looking up at the flashing projection.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: What can I say? She’s from Hong Kong. She has a thing for

high-rises.

WILLIE NOUN: No doubt!

Willie checks his cell and grimaces.

He looks at the Elevator.

WILLIE NOUN: I should be going back upstairs, myself … but I’m behind at work …

gotta clean up my office. Here … in case you have any ongoing occupational or safety issues.

Willie offers Homer his business card.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: Well, I do have a few problems with my back … And I got

these recurring nightmares … I can’t help but feel doors are closing in on me all the time … Plus I have a bit of vertigo … and weight loss … can’t trust my own bathroom scale. Plus I can’t shake the strange feeling that someone’s sending me “mixed messages” … at my age!

WILLIE NOUN: We’ll take care of any occupational health and safety hazard you-all

face. Contact the firm …

Homer takes card and reads it aloud.

HOMER B. GOODRICH: “Plumb Line & Sinker.”

WILLIE NOUN: One can never have too much representation without relaxation, y’all

(sic) know what I’m sayin’? (He winks).

They exit together, left.

END of PLAY

copyright (c) 2022 by Jamie Jobb - all rights reserved

CAUTION: Nothing within this one-act play may be replicated, for any reason, by any means, including any form of photographic reproduction, without expressed permission of the author.

This written work is subject to a royalty and are fully protected – in whole, in part or in any method of production – under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Copyright Union.

All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved by the author. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to him, contact details below.

Second Edition: February, 2022; originally published 28 October 2016

ISBN:

Library of Congress Catalog Number: 

Jobb, Jamie

“Plumb, Line & Sinker” or “The Leaning Towers of San Francisco”

Contact Details regarding performance rights:

Jamie Jobb

Traveling Light Studio

Post Office Box 12

Martinez Ca 94553-0001

jamiejobb@gmail.com

925 723-1782

Links:

http://blog.sfgate.com/ontheblock/2012/09/17/sfs-millenium-tower-a-top-10-residential-building-in-the-world/

http://www.millenniumtowersanfrancisco.com/floorplans.html

http://www.millenniumtowersanfrancisco.com/

http://millenniumtowersf.com/lavie/

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/Developers-Consultant-Issues-More-Optimistic-Report-on-Millennium-Tower-395904081.html

http://www.sgh.com/contact/ronald-hamburger

https://portal.motorolasolutions.com/Support/IN-EN/Mobile+Networks+RFID+and+BarCode+Scanners/RFID+Products/MC9090-G_RFID_US-EN

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/09/21/donald-trump-is-americas-silvio-berlusconi/?utm_term=.4e9e91d93195

Millennium residents: Carmen Policy, Joe Montana, Hunter Pence, Tom Perkins.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/miami-dade/article99662117.html

BOSTON:

http://bostonrealestateblog.bushari.com/floor-plans-for-millennium-tower-boston-released.htm

Homeless Berkeley voters:

http://www.truth-out.org/news/item/38166-we-re-homeless-and-we-vote-homeless-people-want-a-voice-in-this-election

Beniamino Gigli (1890-1957) – who suffered as Mussolini’s favorite opera singerhttp://millenniumtowersf.com/

http://operaarts.com/beniamino-gigli.php

“Why elevator Operators went extinct” (in the mid 1960s)

http://www.elevatordesigninfo.com/why-elevator-operators-went-extinct

The elevator operator was in charge of opening and closing the doors, controlling the direction and speed of the car, and taking requests from the PASSENGERS. The operator was also responsible for knowing what was on each floor and announcing it to the PASSENGERS. Businesses used elevator operators as a valuable public relations tool. Like today’s bell hop outside hotels, the elevator operator provided a familiar face and friendly hello to anyone who visited the building.

Marshall Field’s was Chicago’s premier department store through most of the twentieth century. There were elevator operators in the department store up until the early 1960’s.

All of the elevator operators were young females who had to complete “charm school”. They were expected to greet the PASSENGERS and take them to their desired floor. A customer would enter the elevator, tell the operator what they were looking to purchase, and the operator would know exactly what floor it was on.

It was almost an art and acquired skill to correctly operate an elevator. The elevator was controlled by a hand operated controller for speed and direction. The operator had full control over the elevator car, and was responsible for stopping it so the elevator aligned with the floor. If not done correctly, the PASSENGERS would be in for a bumpy up and down ride until the elevator was aligned properly for a safe exit. By the mid-1960s, electronics were becoming popular and the days of the elevator operator were numbered.

Cal/OSHA website: http://www.dir.ca.gov/dosh/elevator.html

Note one-time waiver of fees for 2016-2017 permits.

Local 8 – International Union of Elevator Constructors – organized August 30, 1902

http://www.iuec8.org/

OSHA Elevator Regulations (Standards – 29 CFR) Section 1917.116 -

https://www.osha.gov/pls/oshaweb/owadisp.show_document?p_table=STANDARDS&p_id=10402

1917.116(h)

Elevators shall be operated only by designated persons except for automatic or door interlocking elevators which provide full shaft door closing and automatic car leveling.

[48 FR 30909, July 5, 1983, as amended at 49 FR 28551, July 13, 1984; 61 FR 5507, Feb. 13, 1996]