Monday, June 24, 2019

Vertigo Blues or Gravity's Got Me Down


Vertigo Blues

or

Gravity's Got Me Down

a life-and-death tale
about walking the dog

[solo performance transcript]
by Jamie Jobb


The characters, names, stories, incidents and mutts
portrayed in this improvised play are fictional.

No identification with real events,
locations, products, diagnoses or actual living
breeds – canine and otherwise – should be inferred
as none was intended by the author.








The Abandoned Script:
20 May 2019
performance at
The Marsh Upstage
1062 Valencia Street
San Francisco, California 94110


Traveling Light Studio
Post Office Box 12
Martinez, California
94553-0001
925 723-1782

(c) 2019 by Jamie Jobb

CHARACTERS:

ZORBA, male Tibetan Terrier - 117
ANDY DIAL, semi-retired male firefighter – 70
ZERENA DIAL, female dog trainer/yoga teacher - 66
FORTICIA KNOX, M.D., female general practitioner – 45
WILLY NORMAN, male insurance salesman - 75


SETTING:

A California foothill town


SCENES:

1. VERTIGO

2. ZORBA

3. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

4. DOG TALK

5. FINAL WISHES 

6. DOG WALK

7. CODA



1. VERTIGO

(ANDY enters up right, steady-to-wobbly)

ANDY: Once Upon A Time … Years Pass … Then One Day …

(stops down left, dizzy in First Position)

“Vertigo” …

(shows DVD box)
… Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece – greatest movie ever made.
Better than “Citizen Kane”. “Sleepless in Seattle”.

Starring Kim Novak, Jimmy Stewart and
(pause) Kim Novak!
Stewart hanging for dear life
while a cop reaches out for him, and falls …

A Virtual Tour of San Francisco peaks and valleys:
Fort Point, Muir Woods, Golden Gate Bridge.
Nob Hill, Coit Tower, Ferry Building.
Mission Dolores, San Juan Bautista.
Legion of Honor, Palace of Fine Arts, Cypress Point.

A plot as twisted as Lombard Street:
Fake suicides, recurring charades, mistaken identifications.
A fateful necklace, the mysterious wife, a possessed mistress.
Catatonic acrophobia, a dummy bell tower, the sudden nun.
A green hotel. The ironic reappearance of Judy from Salina!

All of it cascades into a dolly-zoom nightmare: “The Vertigo Effect”.
Designed by Paramount’s second cameraman Irmin Roberts.
The dolly moves the camera forward, while the zoom
moves backward – warping perspective of the viewer … me!

Hell, I have that special effect embedded in my head
– any time the lights go out.

(still woozy)

I feel it when I’m standing right here.
Right now.

(demonstrate: wobbly walk down center)

2. ZORBA


(… ANDY wobbles down right)

ANDY: Zorba was a furry fluff-ball
when he arrived here a pup 16 years ago.
Fully house-broken from Day One.
That’s important when you raise a show dog.

Dog-training is my wife’s passion.
Zerena's been training them her whole life,
long before she started Lucky Dog Yoga ten years ago.

She trained Zorba in a Berkeley backyard gym
built especially for breed dogs destined for shows.
The facility had piped-in crowd noise and
that helped our dog become an AKC champ.

Zorba has unique black and white markings.
While his trunk is black -- his legs, paws and tip of nose are white.
There’s a white “X” on the crest of his neck.

He a Tibetan Terrier from American Kennel Club’s
Non-Sporting Group … Here:

[produces TT Handbook, turns pages]

“Medium sized - 20-24 pounds.
Hair-in-face. Large dark eyes. Flat round feet.
Profuse coat that does not shed.
Powerful. Square. Compact.

Originally raised in monasteries by lamas 2,000 years ago.
Herding Dogs from the Lost Valley of Shangri-La.
Old Dogs, Lucky Dogs.
Gifted to outsiders, but never sold.
TTs appear in The AKC Stud Book in the 1970s.

Overall a "well balanced" dog for any sized family.
Loyal. Highly intelligent. Sensitive. Self-assured ...”

… except when they poop on the floor.
Or in their bed.

And they know who made that mess.

3. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

(ANDY down center, at stool)

ANDY: I'm in the Doctor's Office. I don't know what to expect.

(pants down, blue long-johns)

It’s a new doctor – my wife’s doctor. Dr. Knox.
Until now, all my doctors have been men.
She comes in, holding her laptop, and says

DR. KNOX: Pull your pants up. (beat) We're not doing that.

(pants up)

DR. KNOX (reads): Andrew Dial? Zerena’s husband …

ANDY: That's me.

She hands me my lab results.

DR. KNOX: You have BPPV -- Benign Perry-oximal Positional Vertigo.

ANDY: Benign ... you mean it's good?
DR. KNOX: Not exactly. It’s caused by floating Calcium Carbonate Crystals
that confuse receptors in the inner ear. It’s Fake Dizziness.

ANDY: Like Fake News, Fake Sports ... Fake History.

The Doctor doesn't laugh.

DR. KNOX: You’re a firefighter?

ANDY: Semi-retired – but first responders never quit.

DR. KNOX: What do you mean?

ANDY: We volunteer for big ones. (pause) Paradise Fire knocked me out.

DR. KNOX: How often do you feel dizzy?

ANDY: Depends on the light … Time of day.

DR. KNOX: Do you fall down?

ANDY: I know that’s The Red Flag doctors wave at everybody on Medicare.
I say “No.” But I don’t tell her I can’t climb ladders anymore.

Falling is The Main Curse of everybody my age.

Our friend Paula started losing her balance last year.
She’s in her 80s.

An avid hiker, she was reduced to using those Nordic Walking Poles
everywhere she went.
She fell on a trail,
She fell in a theater,
She fell in her kitchen.

Finally she had to hang up her walking sticks …

Now she’s home in bed, under Hospice care.

*

At least I know My Vertigo is fake.

Sometimes it hits me on the street.
I have to sit down. Or lean against a wall.
Do those strange eye exercises I learned on YouTube.

(demonstrate, down center)

I talk to friends about it.
Most of them First Responders, like me.

Three of them show me the same thing,
something they’ve observed watching heroin habituates
fall asleep on sidewalks in the City … like this.

(backs into wall, up center)

BART police call it “The Junkie Bend”

When you’re in that state of mind,
you need a safe way to avoid hitting the ground.

And you sure don’t wanna get dirty … like some old dog.

(ends up center, in Dog Position)

4. DOG TALK

ANDY: I talk to dogs. (pause) I admit it.
People won't talk to me, so I talk to their dogs …
In English! Very Plain English.
Only fools think dogs dig Romance Languages.

I get down on my knees to greet dogs.
I pet their chest, look ‘em in the eye.
If I don’t know the animal’s name,
I say "Hello Mutt!"

Why don't other people do this
in our dog-friendly town?
To most dogs, people are just a pair of shoes.
You gotta get down on their level, see ‘em eye-to-eye.

Lester, Marty's labradoodle can get quite frisky before his walk,
jump when he shouldn't ... No Lester, Down!

Sampson, Mary's labradane, comes up to say “Hello”
with his hindquarters – the way big danes do.

(stands to demonstrate, up center)

Our Zorba is 117 in Dog Years.
When I talk to him, he gives me His Look
... head bowed low, peeking up with dark sad eyes.

*

Now those eyes are clouded in cataracts.
His hearing’s shot, and … His sense of smell?
He can’t find obvious treats on the floor right in front of him!

He doesn’t enter dog shows anymore. He’s out of tricks.

I used to run him every other day … chasing tennis balls.
It wore him out. Maybe I overworked him? Like a jogger pounding bad knees.

Now he doesn’t wanna walk. “W-A-L-K!”
That magic word doesn’t work any more.
He can’t hear it. Worse, he can’t do it.

Without his walks, his legs are losing muscle tone. Mine too!
His front paws go wobbly when he’s on the stairs – we live up three flights.
His hips collapse inward.
And with his hips going out, it’s hard for him to lie down. He groans a lot.
Some days are better than others.

Then there’s his kidney failure.
This winter he started peeing on the floor and pooping indoors.
He wears diapers which restrict his movements, give him a rash.
They only catch the urine. They don’t stop the poop.

ZERENA: "I feel like we live in a pigsty!"

ANDY: … as she steps in more dog poop on the bedroom floor.
(demonstrates … down center)

We like a clean house. This is driving us nuts!
We know this embarrasses him.

I try to say something assuring, about “Quality of Life”
and those “Last Rites” we'll eventually face at the vet.

ZERENA: “He's lived his whole life here. (beat) You haven't."

ANDY: She's right, of course. I shut up.

We get a letter from Texas friends that includes this article from Dogster magazine:

[reads Dogster magazine]
Young female veterinarians who administer euthanasia often suffer from anxiety and depression. Due to the emotional demands involved in their line of work, vets specializing in small dogs and cats have especially high rates of suicidal ideation – meaning one in six of them THINKS about killing herself.

[reads letter]
Dear Andy and Zerena,

When we got married, Ross and I decided not to have pets.
They’re wonderful we know – and we love your Zorba.
But when pets become too old and infirm, these kinds of situations are something we deliberately chose not to deal with.

Life is already hard enough.

5. FINAL WISHES


(ANDY down center, with Chair)

ANDY: I come home from the doctor with what I think is good news.
But my wife’s sitting here and she’s very upset.

ZERENA: Where have you been?!?

ANDY: I forgot our meeting!

A stranger sits at our dining room table.
Light gray suit, dark gray tie.
He’s very serious, does not smile.
He hands me his card and this brochure.

[holds up “Final Wishes Questionnaire”]

I should explain: Zerena is very very successful financially.
She owns Downward Facing Dog Studios,
a chain of Canine-Yoga Day-Care Centers.
Combing yoga with kennels, dog training, grooming, bathing facilities.
She was the first doga instructor in the East Bay. That was ten years ago.
Thank God for dogs. Now she nags them about yoga – not me!

She earned her first million five years ago, and is considering further expansion.
Our family – we have two daughters and five grandkids – is set to inherit that legacy. So we have lots to account for in Our Final Accounting.

After we did our Wills. And the Codicils,
the Durable Powers of Attorney ...
All our Revocable Trusts.
After we certified what Body Parts we wanna give to people,
after all that Estate Planning paperwork ...

the very last thing we have to do is talk to this guy:
His name is WILLY NORMAN. He comes to our house!

He has a very strange manner, blinks a lot
… comes off as some cross between a butler and an undertaker.

(ANDY sits)

WILLY: I don’t work for a funeral home. I’m an independent insurance agent.
(blinks) Registered with the State of California.

ANDY: A Burial Insurance salesman!
Zerena is ready to write him a big check, no questions asked.
I know I’m gonna have to defend our assets.

Norman pulls out his Final Wishes Questionnaire.

WILLY (blinks): I’d like to take the time to do this thoroughly. You know,
these are very important decisions you’re about to make.

ANDY: The reason Norman is here ...
we can't go to the funeral home and say:
We wanna pay you in advance to bury us
– so our people won't have to worry about it.

No! We have to get Burial Insurance.
We might die in Colorado. Or Bakersfield.
Burial insurance covers all that.
It's required by federal law -- if we die out of state
and can't get back in time.

Suddenly I start feeling like I was when I was a kid.

(ANDY leaps up)

ANDY: I’m a giant on the other side of the room.
And everybody’s little Down There
… like the Grand Canyon. I mean I’m up here.
And they’re all Down There …

I’m down there too! (Looks at Table)
My wife ... me and this man with his checklist of Necessary Final Wishes:

Willy is quick to point out our “professional staffing needs” price list
does not include any actual burial plot, which we must purchase separately.
Like real estate – with a property description on file with the County Recorder.
No telling what that costs.
But Norman has done his due disclosure, now he’s making Final Wishes …

(ANDY sits)

WILLY: Embalming – not required by law, but (blinks)
if you’re not embalmed, you can Sanitary Bathe ...
Of course there’s Casket Dressing and Make Up,
Refrigeration of the Unembalmed Remains ... (blinks)
Repair of Remains after they remove the body parts.

Zerena looks down at the dog. I see her mind drifting …

WILLY: Transport Charges are based within a 30-mile radius:
Vehicle/Personnel to transport Deceased to Funeral Home ...
After the funeral, the Hearse itself ... (blinks)
Do we want a Flower Car? (blinks) A Limo for Eight?

(ANDY leaps up)

ANDY: I don’t know eight people! I know eight dogs. I don’t know eight people!
But I do the math, we’ve already passed 5,000 dollars right there.

Norman then takes out a glossy pamphlet.
Our Casket Selection Guide! It lists no prices. He starts at the top.
He shows us glistening promotional pictures starting with “The W-0h-Nine”
a 48-ounce Bronze sarcophagus with Champagne Velvet interior …

(ANDY sits)

WILLY: We call it “The Persian”.

ANDY: “How much?”

WILLY: Right now (checks his price list, blinks) … Ten thousand dollars!

ANDY: Zerena’s eyes light up the brochure.
This salesman will be the death of us!
Our bank accounts flash into oblivion right before my eyes.
Then, I note his No Price Casket List has other choices.
So, I ask him:

ANDY: How about “Alternative Containers”?

He’s shocked! He fumbles through his list.

WILLY: Those start at (blinks) a hundred and twenty five dollars.

(ANDY stands)

Zerena knows what I’m thinking --
I want to ask if that’s the ubiquitous A4 box
that she gets every day from Amazon Dot Com.
But she jabs me in the ribs.

ZERENA: You get Cremation at sea, mister!

I know she means it. I look at Willie Norman and smile.

ANDY: I’ll have to go back to work – just to afford to die!


6. DOG WALK

(ANDY walks up center, dizzy)

ANDY: I’m walking Zorba up Snake Road.
We’ve been doing this fifteen years – but today
… I’ll just show you what happened.
(demonstrates)

We pass the last house on the road,
before The Forest and The Snakes …
the one with the big deep gully down this side
(points)

Two dogs suddenly rush up and I turn to see them.
My dog has been attacked by dogs before.
I back up … and try to keep Zorba away from their dogs.
My feet hit a curb cut … I’m DIZZY!!!
My ass falls back to hit a white railing
and I flip over backwards, heels-over-head.
A hundred and thirty five degrees!

My back hits the ground (“POP!”)
In between a broken fencepost and a tree stump.
I land on my feet and … Next thing that happens,
I grind back up the hill – like some Roadrunner cartoon.
The whole thing took two seconds – to get back up to My Dog!

Meanwhile, my dog thinks …

(drops down to dog size)
ZORBA: Where’d he go?
(stands)

ANDY: I’m angry. I go to our chiropractor.
He says there’s nothing wrong with me or my back.

I want to kill those dogs that got out … of that house.
I don’t even know the people!
When we have our Summer Block Party, I avoid them.
I don’t wanna talk to the mothercussers!
Get your dogs outta here!

Like I said, Zerena and I don’t wanna face it, really.
We tried today to talk about it.
It’s like talking about Our Final Wishes …

*

She’s washing diapers every day.
Our grandkids are in college, and she’s washing diapers!
She’s cleaning off the dog’s underbelly
Today, there was blood there.
Do we have to go back to the vet?

We don’t wanna face it, really.
We don’t wanna face it.
But it comes up: Quality of Life.
Quality of Life for anybody:
A dog. A person. A mate …

We go to the doctor’s office.
They don’t wanna look there …

I don’t know. I would rather just wake up
and find the dog not waking up with us.
That would be the best way
for this to resolve itself.
Natural causes.

The onus would be off us.

We don’t wanna go to the vet knowing she might be
The one-in-six who puts the needle in our dog
as he looks up from that cold stainless steel table
… and his spirit just goes away,
like we’ve seen with three dogs before.

*

ANDY: I’m standing here – a dizzy fireman.
Afraid of Ladders.

I know I beat gravity once.
I don’t know if I can do it again.
But I don’t wanna die trying another time.

7. CODA

ANDY: Once upon a time
... Years pass
… Then one day …

My wife and I are on our way
to Davis to see a dog breeder
and meet our new dog – Bochy.

We get a letter from Texas.
Our friends have moved into assisted living.
Nobody there can have pets,
but ARF regularly brings in dogs for companionship.

And they’re learning to love the dogs
that come to visit … she writes:
“We get a new Best Friend every day.”

APOLOGIES

David Mamet, Irmin Roberts, Alfred Hitchcock, Cesar Millan,
Arthur Miller, Kim Novak, Jimmy Stewart and … Kim Novak.

THANKS
for help/inspiration in developing this script from stage to page.

Dan Hoyle, Geoff Hoyle, Charlie Varon, Kenny Yun, Fred Wickham, Mike Duvall, Harlan Bailey, Scott Hildula, Dexter Young, J.P. Tilleman, Evelyn Jean Pine, Jeff Hanson, David Steinore, Nina Sacco, Robin Fisher, Malcolm Grissom, Ruth Kirschner, Dr. Lisa Chu, Randall Nott, Doug Wright, Randy Wight, Jerry Pfeiffer, Bob Shipman, Mary and Arthur Crummer, Deanne and John Lindstrom, Stephen Barbata, Paul Craig, Scott Coddington, Meera Chaturvedi, Ved Prakash Vatuk, Ross and Iumi Richard Crow, Robert Perry, Franni Santelises, Morgan Olk, Sandra Spearing, Officer Jeff Sherwin, Dan Dorsett, Neil-The-House-Painter & Greta-The-Wonder-Dog, the crew at States Coffee and Mercantile, Terry Porter, Dena Zachariah and Bailiff Bailiwick, Esq. his own self.
*

– Linda Loman,
Death of a Salesman

*

copyright (c) 2019 by Jamie Jobb
all rights reserved

Caution: No part of this dramatic work may be reproduced, for any reason, by any means, including any method of photographic reproduction, without the permission of the author.

This play is fully protected in whole, in part, or in any form, under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, and is subject to a royalty.

All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to the author at Traveling Light Studio.

Contact Details
regarding performing rights
for the work included herein:
925 723-1782

produced in San Francisco and
Martinez California USA by
Traveling Light Studio
Post Office Box 12
Martinez CA 94553-0001


FURTHERMORE




Inside a Dog Yoga Class:
2:01


1:50



Lawson, Alastair (July 6, 2004). "Stressed out dogs relax through yoga". BBC News.

“My dad dug the dog’s grave and let the dog watch,” Hardy wrote.

“Healthy dog put down to be buried with owner in Virginia.”



Vertigo Parallelisms! *
2:14

The Making of Vertigo:
25:12

Finding Equilibrium in Hitchcock’s Vertigo:
90 minutes

Vertigo Alternate Ending:
1:47

Vertigo film score analysis
17:46

*

Bob Dylan almost falling on stage in April 2019 while saying:
‘Take pictures or don’t take pictures. We can either play or we can pose. Okay?”
(total clip five and a half minutes)
After tripping Dylan poses, then sings a short version of:
"It takes a lot to laugh, It takes a train to cry."

*

Roth and her team found that the patterns of cortisol levels in the hair of dog owners closely matched that found in their dogs in both winter and summer months, indicating their stress levels were in sync.

She thinks the owners are influencing the dogs rather than the other way around because several human personality traits appear to affect canine cortisol levels.

The researchers don’t know what causes the synchronization in cortisol levels between humans and their pups. But a hint might lie in the fact that the link is stronger with competitive dogs than in pet pooches.

The bond formed between owner and competitive dogs during training may increase the canines’ emotional reliance on their owners, she said. That in turn could increase the degree of synchronization.

But why do people influence their dogs rather than vice versa? Perhaps people are “a more central part of the dog’s life, whereas we humans also have other social networks,” Roth said in an email.

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2 comments:

  1. Jamie JobbJuly 10, 2021 at 7:01 AM

    This dizzy story met its match when the time came to end our dog's life. Instead of the horrible three-act tragedy of doing that a vet's office, we were extremely fortunate to have found this new branch of vet medicine, which only deals with the process of euthanasia in a fitting home visit and proper funeral for the animal. Anthony Smith founded this important service: https://rainbowbridgevet.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jamie JobbSeptember 1, 2021 at 12:48 PM

    My wife sent this helpful link for anyone considering bring a dog home:
    http://images.akc.org/pdf/ebook/Responsible_Dog_Owners.pdf?utm_source=content&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ebook-rdo

    ReplyDelete

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