but not so open your brains fall out.”
– Carl Sagan
Hazmat Suits
or
The God-Awful Truth
of Unintended Consequences
a risk-management manifesto in one-act
by Jamie Jobb
CHARACTERS
Whitney Raven, aka “Brian Birdsong”, caucasian male, 35.
Patricia Raven, aka “Betsy Birdsong”, caucasian female, 31.
Howard Dobbs, aka “Dobbs”, caucasian male, 29.
Curtis Donner, aka “Curt”, caucasian male, 29.
Pearl Daly, Japanese-American female, 51.
Running Sacagawea, aka “Sacks”, Lakota-Nez Perce female, 57.
Two first responders in Hazmat Suits (may be double-cast).
SETTINGS
Two facing eco apartment units – down left and right
Sustainable roof garden – up center
Mad Marc’s Castle on Albany Bulb – down left
Berkeley high-grade recycling dump – down right
The Cheeseboard music patio on Shattuck – up center
The Freight and Salvage box office – down center
Scene One
BIRDSONG apartment, Berkeley. An autumn evening.AUDIO: Someone who sounds like Joan Baez.PROJECTION: Cluttered apartment move-in.Two guitars, in cases. Sierra cups and backpacks. Tent.Sleeping bags. Stove. Coatrack with one mask hanging.WHITNEY and PATRICIA are unpacking,as if backpacking at home.
WHITNEY: I understand your Dad’s gambling debts.
PATRICIA: He always talked about his “odds”.
WHITNEY: He had to know Reno's a quick way to loose it all.
PATRICIA: What’re "the odds” of losing your mind?
WHITNEY: But the nursing home (hard beat) Mississippi God-Damn!
PATRICIA: Who can afford six-grand-a-month?
WHITNEY: Plus all the X-rays, doctor bills … PILLS!
PATRICIA: Five-million-dollar house, now worthless.
WHITNEY: Our Mill Valley nest-egg flew the coop.
PATRICIA (sings): “We both know what memories can bring ...
WHITNEY (sings): … They bring diamonds and rust.”
Pause.
PATRICIA: We won’t ever play Sweetwater again ... Adios Birdsong fund-raiser.
WHITNEY: Our non-profit went full belly-up.
PATRICIA: Judge ruled us "bankrupt" from the bench.
WHITNEY: We thought he was a “compassionate judge”.
PATRICIA: Judge Throck.
WHITNEY: What a crock!
PATRICIA: Red always called him “Judge Crockmorton”.
WHITNEY: Now we got no grounds for appeal.
PATRICIA: Sometimes you just gotta move on.
WHITNEY: House-sitting is no career option.
PATRICIA: We need steady income.
Pause.Patricia regards him inquisitively.
WHITNEY: I’m not ready for the poverty of student life.
PATRICIA: Sink or swim, baby. We gotta pay tuition.
WHITNEY: We always got our education from backpacks.
Pause.
PATRICIA: Yosemite ...
WHITNEY: Grand Tetons.
PATRICIA: Machu Picchu …
WHITNEY: Patagonia.
PATRICIA: Matterhorn …
WHITNEY: Giza.
Pause.
PATRICIA: Nowhere was too tall.
WHITNEY: Too long …
PATRICIA: … or too far afield for The Birdsongs.
WHITNEY: Who knew Homeless House-Sitters could become homeless too?
Pause.Patricia props her hand on his shoulder.
PATRICIA (looks him in the eye): It’s all downhill from here.
WHITNEY (beat): Go Bears!
Pause.They scan their new apartment.
WHITNEY (looks around): Not too shabby for the price.
PATRICIA: Nothing’s too good for Berkeley students.
WHITNEY: I can’t believe we got past that long waiting list.
PATRICIA: Yeah, that’s incredible. (beat) We’re white.
WHITNEY: You said she’s homeless?
PATRICIA: Yes.
WHITNEY: And she’s NOT a UC student?
PATRICIA: Right.
WHITNEY: How's she know these student housing deals?
PATRICIA: She knows everything going down in Berkeley.
WHITNEY: Like Fat Dog used to?
PATRICIA: Everybody knows Pearl Daly from Telegraph.
WHITNEY: I’m glad YOU know her.
PATRICIA: She seems pretty good friends with Curt next door.
WHITNEY: The Cheeseboard guy?
PATRICIA: Yeah, but he's got some kinda fashion franchise.
WHITNEY: Get-rich-quick.
PATRICIA: Designer eyelashes … monthly pledge to buy in.
WHITNEY: Sounds like Bernie Madoff.
PATRICIA: Pearl’s a shero, the famous Poet of People’s Park.
WHITNEY: That’s strange ... her advising US.
PATRICIA: You got that right.
WHITNEY: We had the best real estate deal ever.
PATRICIA: We could be overlooking Sausalito right now.
WHITNEY: Sipping Chardonnay ... But NO!
PATRICIA: We had to have our “ideals”.
Long pause.
PATRICIA: Did you get vaccinated?
WHITNEY (shy): I haven’t had time.
PATRICIA: I did it WHITNEY!!! You can do it.
Pause.
WHITNEY (blurts): I don’t wanna be sterilized.
PATRICIA: Are you kidding me?
WHITNEY: Don’t wanna be autistic.
PATRICIA: That’s not true.
WHITNEY: Don’t wanna grow antlers.
Patricia spreads out wiggling fingers of both hands behind her head.
PATRICIA (sarcastic): Go look in the mirror, Tarzan.
WHITNEY: It’s magnetic … it’ll erase all our audio tapes.
PATRICIA (beat): Where'd you get your lack of information?
WHITNEY: Vaccines have tracers, follow you around.
PATRICIA: Bull-crap. Your cell phone's got GPS.
Pause.Whitney has not considered this in his calculations.
WHITNEY: It’s just more fake science.
PATRICIA: What's YOUR science?
WHITNEY: I have Natural Inbred Herd Immunity.
PATRICIA: For crying out loud, even dogs get vaccinated!
WHITNEY: I’ll never get vaccinated.
PATRICIA: What about the flu? Last year? Year before?
WHITNEY: That’s different.
PATRICIA: How?
Pause.Whitney has not thought of this, either.He begins to search his backpack for something.
WHITNEY: I have my rights. (pulls out Bible) My religious freedoms.
PATRICIA: You can’t tell a church from a mausoleum.
WHITNEY: I was in choir.
Whitney puts Bible back into pack, suddenly he slumps to floor.
PATRICIA: What're you, a baby?
WHITNEY: Quit it.
PATRICIA: Get your shot!
WHITNEY (meekly): I’d rather drink bleach.
PATRICIA: You were vaccinated for measles, mumps, TB.
WHITNEY: That doesn’t count.
PATRICIA: Polio? Smallpox? Shingles?
WHITNEY: Since when did you become my doctor?
PATRICIA (piles on): Typhoid? … Rabies? (beat)... Anthrax?
WHITNEY: Who do I trust more than my own self?
PATRICIA: How about a … hospital?
Pause.
WHITNEY: It’s a fake conspiracy, that’s what it is.
PATRICIA: How do you expect to enroll in business school with no vaccination card?
WHITNEY: I’ll audit my damn classes … on Zoom.
PATRICIA: Make sure to wear your mask, Tonto.
WHITNEY: Tonto never wore no stinkin’ mask.
LIGHTS
Scene Two
DOBBS/DONNER apartment, Berkeley. That same autumn evening.AUDIO: Someone who sounds like Bob Dylan.PROJECTION: Cluttered apartment move-in.All-boys mess of floored clothes, dirty cups, soiled plates, sporting gear,empty shoes, lost socks, bags of chips, pizza cartons, open books … plusa large box marked “Hand-Packed Brunost” near an open closet door.CURT on floor in sleeping bag, sorts through this mess. DOBBS enters.
CURT (looks up): Mom was totally not impressed with our new place!
DOBBS: When was she here?
CURT: Just missed her.
DOBBS: She said noon tomorrow!
CURT: Man, you know my mom and calendars never mix.
DOBBS: I told her I’ll have her money next week!
CURT: She wasn’t here to collect. Her dry cleaner moved next door.
DOBBS: You mean famous Bob and Ray? What’d they call it: “Deadpan Dry”?
CURT: Self-same. Named after their grandfather, Ray Dry, a radio comedian.
Pause.
DOBBS: Nobody has a great grandfather who worked stand-up on radio!
Dobbs pulls ballcap out of sleeping bag, tries to act “comical”.
DOBBS: How could we see him standing up? (beat) Ka-Ching!
Dobbs stands up and waves cap, Curt is not amused.
Pause.
CURT: That’s mom’s story and she’s sticking to it. She’s knew them as babies.
DOBBS: Buncha jokers! You know she just wants to keep an eye on us.
CURT (stands up): You’re so damn paranoid!
DOBBS: We both know she wanted us far outta Berkeley by now.
CURT: She wanted our PhDs nailed to a wall. Any wall … anywhere!
DOBBS: Hey, we planned to be done two years ago.
CURT: Yeah … well. Thank his Nibbs, Professor “Bonehead” ... and Covid.
Pause.
DOBBS: Do you smell something?
CURT: No … (points to nose) allergies.
Pause.
DOBBS: Sure you don’t smell anything?
CURT: It’s our “new apartment smell”.
DOBBS: Berkeley always stinks!
Pause.
CURT: Maybe somebody sterilized something?
DOBBS: How can we smell anything? We’re forced to wear masks everywhere.
CURT: Maybe our neighbors are cooking meth?
DOBBS: Are you kidding? They’re from Marin!
Pause.
CURT: Thank God for Pearl Daily!
DOBBS: I didn’t know she was so tuned into student housing deals!
CURT: Off-campus housing, that’s her thing now. Ring-a-ding-ding.
DOBBS: I thought she was completely homeless ...by choice.
CURT: She is. Here’s her website (showing his phone): “Cuddle Up Quick”.
DOBBS: How can she be homeless and have a soft-porn site?
CURT: She runs it out of North Berkeley Library. Free Speech Desk.
DOBBS: The whole world runs out of North Berkeley Library.
CURT: After they left People’s Park …
DOBBS: What? They left People’s Park?
CURT: She said it’s “polluted by politics” … unquote.
DOBBS: I can see that …
CURT: She said things started to change after they moved to The Albany Bulb.
DOBBS: How’s that?
CURT: They started making tons of money.
DOBBS: No way!
Pause.
CURT: Pearl told me we need to Dress for Success, like her.
DOBBS: What’s that supposed to mean?
CURT: Some self-help book she read.
DOBBS: At North Berkeley Library!
CURT: Of course. It says wear a suit, otherwise people will ignore you.
DOBBS: That’s rich, Pearl telling people to dress up.
CURT: She’s a fashionista now. Even sells designer false eyelashes.
DOBBS (shocked): No kidding!
CURT: She was making designer Covid masks before. Nobody wanted them.
DOBBS: Nobody wants to be The Lone Ranger …
CURT: That’s the wrong masked man.
DOBBS: Just sayin’ …
CURT: Now she makes smiling masks to match her batting eyelashes.
DOBBS: That’s quite the fashion statement.
CURT: Of course.
DOBBS: You can flirt … and be anonymous as well!
CURT: Totally nameless.
DOBBS: A face (beat) without a trace.
CURT: You bet.
DOBBS: Last call for alcohol, baby.
LIGHTS
Scene Three
MAD MARC’S CASTLE, Albany Bulb. Sunset.
AUDIO: Seagulls and lapping bay water.
PROJECTION: Broad Albany Bulb vista: Bay and Golden Gate bridges.
Castle floor littered with Sierra cups, sleeping bags, lantern,
camp stove, stuff bags, scattered food and one large UPS box.
SACKS and PEARL look into big box marked “LashLaRoe”.
SACKS (peeks inside box): They flit ... just like butterflies!
PEARL (reaches into box): Huh?
SACKS: I know monarchs when I see ‘em. I had a butterfly collection back home.
PEARL: These babies don’t fly. I guarantee you that …
Pearl pulls small blinking display case out of box.
PEARL: … Watch this, Madam Butterfly.
Pearl hands display case to Sacks who examines it closely.
SACKS: Wow! They really flutter, just like monarchs.
PEARL: It’s an optical illusion … of electronics.
SACKS: You mean a digital fake?
PEARL: A trick of colored light. Built into the fiber-optics of the display case.
SACKS: So every single eyelash is hand-painted, lit up in primary colors?
PEARL: Yep. Each lash lit from the inside out. Fiber optics.
SACKS (hands case back to Pearl): And all that glitter … glued on?
PEARL: Yep. I wanted to call ‘em “Splashes” but that was already taken.
SACKS: Copyright?
PEARL: Trade Mark.
SACKS: Did you try another brand name?
PEARL: “Clashes” doesn’t work.
SACKS: “Flashes” won’t cut it either.
PEARL: “Slashes” is way too violent.
SACKS: Kid stuff: Let’s blow up Hollywood!
PEARL: “Splashes” – the best one – was taken.
SACKS (beat): You said that.
Pause.
PEARL: Branding blinking lashes is a bitch!
SACKS: Who gets branded?
PEARL: The customer (beat) AND the product.
SACKS: It’s a lot easier branding cattle, I tell ya what!
PEARL: You never lived on a ranch.
SACKS: Yes, but I lived all over Texas. I saw lots of ranches.
PEARL: In your rear-view, cowgirl!
Pause.
PEARL: We made five grand last month with the name we picked: “LashLaRoe”!
SACKS: Thank God for North Berkeley Library.
PEARL: Otherwise, we’d be SOL …
SACKS: … without a password!
PEARL: When are they supposed to open again?
SACKS: Depends on the Alameda Health Department.
PEARL: They do have that Online Mobile Ap.
SACKS: Whatever THAT means.
Pause.
PEARL: Admit it: we were too good for People’s Park.
SACKS: Thank God for The Bulb.
PEARL: We could become real entrepreneurs on our own out here.
SACKS: America’s Halloween Covid mask-makers movin’ on up.
PEARL: Now that we got our LashLaRoe franchise!
SACKS: We can’t tell anybody that yet.
PEARL: Another reason to stay away from people.
SACKS: Yeah, but … how do we make any sales?
PEARL: Make ‘em come to us. The Home Showroom!
SACKS: Here? On The Bulb?
PEARL: Where else?
SACKS: Right here at Mad Marc’s Castle?
PEARL: Look-it: No rent. No overhead. No overtime.
Pause.Sacks begins to understand.
SACKS: Our secret bayside hideaway! Track us on your cell phones.
PEARL: And we can still distribute our beet juice and zinc on the side.
SACKS: Cures Covid better than anybody’s bleach.
PEARL: Outta site ...
SACKS: … outta mind.
Pause.
PEARL: They’ll still have to wear masks indoors.
SACKS: What for?
PEARL: Self-preservation. And they’ll have to show their Covid passports.
SACKS: I’m Native American Indian. I don’t need no stinking passport.
LIGHTS
Scene Four
ROOF GARDEN. Next morning.AUDIO: Scrub Jay birdcalls and traffic hum.PROJECTION: Vibrant roof-top garden planter boxes.DOBBS and CURT secure cover to compost pile,manure fork and basket full of picked vegetables at their feet.
CURT (closes compost cover): Man that’s hot!
DOBBS: Supposed to be hot. That’s how compost breaks down.
Pause.
DOBBS: Are you certain Pearl’s not pulling your leg … self-batting eyelashes!?!
CURT: I swear. Designer colors and shapes.
DOBBS: No kidding?
CURT: Self-batting FAKE eyelashes! Designed to be worn with matching Covid masks.
DOBBS: “Captured in their own cases” unquote?
CURT: Individually-lit display cases.
DOBBS: Each one in a separate case?
CURT: You heard me right.
DOBBS: Each eyelash batting and blinking … all by itself? In its own display?
CURT: Yes.
DOBBS: Did you actually see them?
CURT: No, but she showed me the brochure.
DOBBS: And you said it’s “self-perpetuating” … What’s that mean, exactly?
CURT: They’re solar powered.
DOBBS: Of course!
CURT: And it’s a subscription series. You get to buy one a week!
DOBBS: Paid in advance?
CURT: Certainly! Only twelve hundred bucks a month.
Pause.
DOBBS: I know. (beat) I got in early.
CURT (shocked): WHAT!?!
DOBBS: I got in already.
CURT: YOU got a franchise?
DOBBS: Yes.
CURT: God-dammit!
DOBBS (beat): I’m gonna be rich!
CURT: What about me? I told you all about it!
DOBBS (beat): So what?
CURT: I knew them before you!
Pause.
DOBBS: You’re not the first responder to their initial public offering.
CURT: You rat!
DOBBS: You know I always say it pays to be at the head of the class.
CURT: So you’re a fraud, not a friend.
Pause.
DOBBS: I knew you’d want hard evidence. (shows cell phone) Look …
Dobbs examines phone.Pause.
DOBBS: Video don’t lie, baby.
CURT: She told me they flutter. I still don’t believe it!
DOBBS: They can all be timed to your favorite Stones song. It’s an app.
Pause.
CURT: Each display case has an embedded chip?
DOBBS: Yeah, they’re all linked via wi-fi.
CURT: Pop-up fortune … in a closet!
Long pause.
DOBBS: I could sign you up.
CURT: What? You mean, I’m IN … if I want?
DOBBS: Yes … after we get rid of your stinky cheese.
CURT: Of course. We gotta have someplace to store the lashes.
Pause.
DOBBS: So what do we call our modern mini-marvel of multi-level-marketing?
CURT: LashLaRoe!
DOBBS: Like the cowboy?
CURT (befuddled): Who knows about that? … No!
DOBBS: Oh ... more like the Transamerica Pyramid?
CURT: What’d you mean?
DOBBS: I sponsor you among ten people, then each of you sponsors ten, and so on.
CURT: … Your point?
DOBBS: So … it builds up.
CURT: Like compost?
DOBBS: No … that breaks down.
Pause.
CURT: Like a pyramid?
DOBBS: Yeah, just like Giza, baby!
LIGHTS
Scene Five
THE CHEESEBOARD concert patio. Early afternoon.AUDIO: a band trying hard to sound like Ahmad Jamal quartet.PROJECTION: Shattuck sidewalk seating.WHITNEY and PATRICIA at table eating.Guitar cases at their feet.CURT in apron enters to sit with them.He carries a box.
WHITNEY (aside to Patricia): He’s on break. He’ll tell us.
CURT (sits): Who knew … we’re neighbors?
PATRICIA: We see you harvesting the roof.
CURT: Every herb for the Cheeseboard comes out of that garden.
Pause.
WHITNEY: Had you heard about our Birdsong Show before?
CURT: My roommate knew the Birdsongs from his Sausalito sister.
PATRICIA: Too bad nobody in the East Bay knows us.
CURT: We just got somebody new here for band signups.
PATRICIA: Do we know ‘em?
CURT: Somebody on the women’s golf team! Dobbs knew her from chem class.
WHITNEY: She certainly didn’t have a minute for me.
PATRICIA: You think she knows ANY local folk bands?
CURT: Maybe.
WHITNEY: She seems out-of-her-league here.
CURT: Dobbs says she’ll be gone in a month.
WHITNEY: We haven’t got a month.
Pause.
Curt eyeballs Whitney.
CURT: You should buy a nice suit.
PATRICIA: Who you think he is: Lyle Lovett?
CURT: Pearl says if you wanna play, you gotta dress for the part.
WHITNEY: Have you seen how they dress here?
CURT: She didn’t mean your band. She meant in a real business.
Pause.
CURT: We know someone who can help you get rich quick, but you gotta buy in.
PATRICIA: Everybody’s got a gimmick in this town.
CURT: It’s socialized selling. Set up on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
PATRICIA: What does that mean?
CURT: You’ll have to go to her home showroom.
PATRICIA: So … she’s an outlier. An extremeophile.
CURT: We’re already doing Home Retail. We’re gonna get rich on cheese.
WHITNEY: How can you do that, working for the Cheeseboard?
CURT: The Collective bought way too much Brunost.
WHITNEY: What on earth is that?
CURT: Norwegian goat cheese. It’s very sweet and creamy, after it warms up.
WHITNEY: Should be a big hit in Napa.
CURT: People won’t buy it. It’s too brown.
Pause.
PATRICIA: Can’t the Collective tolerate cheeses of color?
CURT: Not Brunost.
WHITNEY: Who knew Berkeley was full of closet racists?
CURT: We’re giving out blocks of it as “bonuses” to our workers.
WHITNEY: Because … you guys bought too much?
CURT: Right, the Collective voted to eat the loss.
WHITNEY: Literally.
CURT: When we take it home, legally we can keep any profit ourselves.
WHITNEY: Selling out of your closet.
CURT: When we can.
WHITNEY: Of course, who doesn’t love hand-crafted imported cheese?
CURT: Use it for omelettes, enchiladas, quesadillas … We got regular customers.
WHITNEY: You got more than enough to start your own Mexican restaurant.
Curt stands up to exit with his box of cheese.
CURT: Don’t you guys have extra closet space?
LIGHTS
Scene Six
HIGH-GRADE RECYCLING STATION of Berkeley Dump. Morning.AUDIO: Skip-loader at work, back-up beeper beeps.PROJECTION: Mass of electronic parts for recycling.CURT and PEARL examine different piles of separated hardware.Both of them wear masks. Suddenly Curt notices Pearl …and her butterfly eyes.
CURT: Where’d you get those crazy lashes?
Pause.
Pause.
This is news to Pearl.
PEARL: How did he find out?
CURT: I thought you told him.
PEARL: … No.
CURT: He said he also talked to Big Bunny about it.
Pause.
PEARL: Never heard of ‘em.
CURT (beat): I want in.
PEARL: It’s not for everybody.
CURT: I know you have to buy in, five grand up front.
PEARL: Ten, and … you gotta know how to Dress for Success.
CURT: I always look good.
PEARL: Did a business man ever tell you that?
Curt has not considered this …
CURT: I don’t know any business men.
PEARL: And what school are you enrolled?
CURT (sheepish): Business.
PEARL: There ya go … How undesirable can you get?
Pause.
CURT: I know LashLaRoe is a jackpot business model, but UC won’t touch it.
PEARL: You’re already late to the party, man.
CURT: Sounds like some pyramid scheme.
PEARL: No, we never sell to ourselves.
CURT: I’m pissed Dobbs beat me to it. I want to join too.
PEARL: Wonder who he knows in Home Retail to get in this early?
CURT: He wouldn’t tell me.
PEARL: Who’s this Big Bunny?
CURT: I don’t know.
PEARL: If he’s anybody, I’ll find out.
Pause.
CURT: Can YOU get me in?
PEARL: You’ll have to hustle to catch up with us.
CURT: I’m ready. We need money!
PEARL: You gotta bring in new blood all the time.
CURT: How do I sign up?
PEARL: I just uplifted (sic) your form to Facebook. The LashLaRoe page.
CURT: How does that work?
PEARL (hands him a note): I’ll be your sponsor: Use this passcode to sign up.
Pearl hands Curt a large post-it note.
LIGHTS
Scene Seven
ROOF GARDEN. Next morning.AUDIO: a song that sounds like “Harlem Shuffle”.PROJECTION: Vibrant roof-top garden planter boxes.
CURT loads cheese bundles from sleeping bag into compost pile.DOBBS enters with another bulging sleeping bag with a dim glow.
DOBBS: Man, it’s so damn HOT up here!
CURT: You’re still not used to our Indian Summer.
DOBBS: You can’t say “Indian” in Berkeley.
CURT: I just did.
Pause.
DOBBS: I saw your mom … in the parking lot.
CURT: She was here?
DOBBS: You didn’t see her?
CURT: No.
DOBBS: Damn! She wants the money today!
CURT: So … she didn’t come up to see me?
DOBBS: She was on her way to Bob & Ray.
Pause.Curt adds another Brunost log into the compost.The pile glows hot.
CURT: Too bad we can’t sell the cheese before it starts to smell.
DOBBS: Who wants Norwegian cheese during a pandemic?
CURT: Too bad Whitney won’t let us use his closet.
DOBBS: He must keep some big secret in there. Patricia didn’t know.
CURT: Now we gotta make room in our closet.
Pause.
Curt closes compost lid.
CURT: There’s that smell again!
DOBBS: We’ve been smelling it all week.
CURT: You would think cheese would break down better.
DOBBS: Hard cheese!
CURT: That’s why it doesn’t sell, it doesn’t smell.
Pause.
DOBBS: You mom says that smell we’ve been getting in the apartment is ammonia.
CURT: How’s that?
DOBBS: Bob and Ray say they’ve been going through lots of tanks.
CURT: And …
DOBBS: They think they have a big leak.
CURT: That’s THEIR problem!
LIGHTS
Scene Eight
BIRDSONG apartment, Berkeley. That same evening.AUDIO: Rolling Stones “Lockdown”PROJECTION: Orange sunset through window.
A large pile of cardboard boxes near an open closet door.
PATRICIA and WHITNEY eat dinner.
PATRICIA: Did you hear that strange noise last night?
WHITNEY: No.
PATRICIA: On the roof. Just after midnight?
WHITNEY: No.
PATRICIA: A bunch of thuds … and pops?
WHITNEY: I heard nothing.
PATRICIA: It wasn’t like … animal scratching.
WHITNEY: Really.
PATRICIA: Yeah. More like fireworks, but far away.
WHITNEY: That’s strange. I dreamed of July Fourth.
PATRICIA: It’s been shut down.
WHITNEY: Yeah …
Pause.
PATRICIA: What’s that smell?
WHITNEY: What smell?
PATRICIA: What’s wrong with your nose?
WHITNEY: You know I’m having trouble breathing.
PATRICIA: I told you to get your shots!
WHITNEY: Get off my back!
LIGHTS
flicker and flash
AUDIO: KA-BOOM!
Scene Nine
ROOF GARDEN. That same night. Smoke clears.AUDIO: First responder radio static.PROJECTION: God-awful aftermath of an explosion.
Hot spotlight vibrates through compost pile.
TWO FIGURES in Hazmat Suits cast strange shadows as they pokeprobes/gauges on poles into large gaping hole of pulsing compost.
HAZMAT ONE: Man, this is NOT what we thought!
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.Hazmat One pulls up another glowing cheese log.
LIGHTS
Scene Ten
FREIGHT & SALVAGE Box Office.AUDIO: Something like Joni Mitchell’s “California” (if ever possible)
PROJECTION: The Freight storefront with marquee lights --“They’re back: Tonight – The Birdsongs!”
A pre-show line of ticket buyers, with PEARL, SACKS and DOBBS in line.
Pause.
Pause.
MAD MARC’S CASTLE, Albany Bulb.AUDIO: Shovels scrape landfill debris.PROJECTION: Broad bay views as before.PEARL and SACKS dig into their Castle “garden”.
PEARL: They split up.
SACKS: What?
PEARL: Patricia just finally had enough.
SACKS: Who could blame her?
PEARL: She flew straight to Paris.
SACKS: Paris?
PEARL: Her aunt has a flat there.
SACKS: Where’s Whitney?
PEARL: You mean “Big Bunny” unquote?
SACKS: How’d you find out HE was Big Bunny?
PEARL: You know I have my open sources.
SACKS (beat): At the North Berkeley Library, of course. What happened to him?
PEARL: Last she knew, he was in Alta Bates ICU.
SACKS: No!
PEARL: On a ventilator.
Pause.
SACKS: It’s a wonder he could show his face at all ...
PEARL: You got that right!
SACKS: … after that eyelash-and-mask burning stunt at The Freight.
PEARL: Cops popped him for “contributing to the delinquency of a building.”
SACKS: I was there … it was a lot worse than that – arson, at least!
Pause.
PEARL: Berkeley cops know we're “The Shelterless” unquote.
SACKS: Too tough to be “homeless”.
Pearl stops digging, holds up a necklace which she has uncovered.It sparkles.
PEARL: Look at this!
Pearl bites the object she found.
SACKS: Wow! A pearl necklace. Is that thing real?
PEARL (bites it): Pearl knows pearls!
SACKS: They said The Bulb was all rip-rap and rebar … construction debris only.
PEARL (dangles necklace): Does this look like “rip-rap”, baby?
SACKS: Well … no.
Pearl jumps into the hole she dug.
PEARL (from the hole): Hell, it’s a gold mine down here!
SACKS: I’ve always admired your wisdom, Pearl.
PEARL: I interned at Kroeber Hall one summer.
SACKS: I forgot.
PEARL: I’ve always dug archaeology.
SACKS: What loot have we dug up already?
PEARL: First … that railroad watch.
SACKS: And … a burner phone that still works.
PEARL: Don’t forget the gold tooth.
SACKS: Who does dental work in a landfill?
Pause.Pearl stands up in hole.She admires the necklace.
PEARL: I’ve never been out of my depth.
And I’ve never been afraid of heights.Next to you, I’m the sanest person I know.Our lifestyle keeps me sane as a Great Dane.
One thing I do understand about life:Nobody wants to be remembered as just anotherhealthy hungry homeless rat hiding under a mask.
Nobody wants to live like dogs, and fight like cats.Know what I’m sayin?
SACKS: Amen to that.
PEARL: Throw me my rope.
Pause.Sacks throws rope.
SACKS: If you keep digging, we might find those lost sacks of gold!
PEARL: Indeed ... “Donde están los sacos?”
Pause.
SACKS: After this, we’re gonna open a full-facial cross-fitness center.
PEARL: Help people save face before they show theirs in public again.
END of PLAY
EcoRoof Garden Apartments in Berkeley California
* * *
CHARACTER BIOS
Whitney Raven, aka “Brian Birdsong” - 35 – founder of faded folk duo “The Birdsongs”. Avid backpacker and founder of now bankrupt Homeless House-Sitters of Sausalito. Now attempting to enter Haas Business School.
Patricia Raven, aka “Betsy Birdsong” - 31 - Professional gardener, vigorous blogger, amateur sleuth, Mills College graduate, bike trails enthusiast. Various gigs help pay rent in Berkeley apartment until she is caught in a LashLaRoe designer eyelash subscription scam.
Howard Dobbs, aka “Dobbs” – Former UC Berkeley PhD mining student. Now working at Berkeley Bowl while attempting to get back into grad school. White male, 29, single.
Curtis Donner, aka “Curt” – Former UC Berkeley PhD chemistry student. Now working at Cheeseboard while attempting to get back into grad school. White male, 29, single.
Pearl Daley – Former circus aerialist and homeless Gulf War vet. Now living in Mad Marc's Castle with “Sacks” her mate. Japanese-American female, 51, single.
Running Sacagawea, aka “Sacks” – Shaman who traces her heritage back to Sitting Bull. Moved to Albany Bulb after People’s Park became “polluted with politics”. Lakota-Nez Perce female, 57, single.
EXTRAS: two first responders (non-speaking roles) in Hazmat Suits.
* * *
Thanks: Joseph Torchia, Richard Schwartz, Bob Cellini, Scott Hildula, Harlan Bailey, Julian Frazer, Paul Borenstein, Charlie Varon, Paul Sussman, Robert Kourik, Arthur Crummer, Jana De Brauwere, Johanna De Brauwere, Davey Towers, Steven Rea, Meera Chaturvedi, Leanne Peterson, P.J. Turnham, Melinda Foster Sellers, Mona Ram, Noralea Gipner, Bailiff Bailiwick Esq., Bijou, Dena Zachariah and the morning staff at States Coffee + Bread, Martinez California
Apologies: Nina Simone, Thomas Osha Neumann, Malcolm Margolin, Wavy Gravy, Julia Vinograd, Bruce Isaacson, Mary Kay Ash, Bernie Madoff, Jeff Musk, Elon Bezos, Zark Muckenberg, George Costanza, Bill Mollison, Ken Kern, Mad Marc, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Fat Dog Guitars, REI, North Berkeley Library, The Freight and Salvage, Down Home Records, People’s Park, Garden Village Apartments, The municipal employees of Albany and Berkeley, California.
* * *
ISBN:
Library of Congress Catalog Number:
Jobb, Jamie Companion One-Acts
“RadLab Rats” or “Picnic in People’s Park”“Hazmat Suits” or “A God-Awful Truth of Unintended Consequences”
FURTHERMORE
“Eccentrics, Heroes, and Cutthroats of Old Berkeley” by Richard Schwartz (2007) RSB Books.
“Outliers: The Story of Success” by Malcolm Gladwell (2008) New York: Little Brown.
“Dress for Success” by John T. Molloy (1975) New York: Wyden Books.
(four minutes, 20 seconds)
https://www.amazon.com/Silver-Lilly-Shaped-Sleeping-Blanket/dp/B073PMVBKV
https://www.rawstory.com/carl-jung-psychosis/
The Great Norwegian Goat Cheese Fire
If there’s ever a dinner party that you’d like to go with a bang, you may want to consider investing in some Brunost. In January 2013, a lorryload of the brown Norwegian goats’ cheese managed to spontaneously combust whilst being driven through a tunnel, causing a fire that raged for five days and did so much damage to the Brattli Tunnel at Tysfjord that it had to be closed for several weeks for repairs. The reason for its weird flammability? A high concentration of fat and sugar, which, according to a police officer local to the incident, can burn “almost like petrol if it gets hot enough”.
In January 2013, a lorry carrying 27 tons of brunost caught fire in the 3.5 km (2.2 mi) long Bratli tunnel in Tysfjord. The temperature increased so much that the Brunost caught fire, the fats and sugars in the cheese fueling the blaze, preventing firefighters from approaching it until four days later, when most of it had burned out. The tunnel was severely damaged, and was closed for repair for several months afterward. The accident was widely publicized in international media, and was dubbed "the goat cheese fire". It was likened to the 1999 Mont Blanc tunnel fire, when a truck carrying margarine and flour caught fire.[10][11]
Former Cal quarterback Aaron Rogers, who allegedly got some of his education at Berkeley, has this to say about vaccinations:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.rawstory.com/is-aaron-rodgers-vaccinated/
“
ReplyDelete2
GIVE
$
Alarm Grows as Covid Cases Spike in Europe and US Deaths in 2021 Top 2020's Toll
"Wealthy nations need to understand that unless everyone everywhere is vaccinated, the situation is not going to change."
https://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/11/21/alarm-grows-covid-cases-spike-europe-and-us-deaths-2021-top-2020s-toll
https://truthout.org/articles/djokovic-is-obnoxious-but-his-story-highlights-cruelty-of-australian-detention/
ReplyDelete