"If laws are outlawed,
only outlaws will have laws.”
– Henri Freud
Henri Freud, avid reader
Henri Freud’s
War On Tourism
Act One: Shelter-In-Place
devised, written and performed
by Jamie Jobb
HENRI FREUD, foreign correspondent
GUY and WOMAN in audience
NATIONAL GUARD on bridge
GUARD at Gulag
RANGER at Gulag
SETTINGS:
Cable Television News locations
Golden Gate Bridge
Bush InterContinenal Airport, Houston
The Gulag at Abu Ghraib
Pause.
Henri returns with music stand, binder and syllabus.
Just found out I’m in a
(fights each word)
Desire …
Discordant …
Relationship!!!
Didn’t even know about it!
“Desire Discordant”
What that means in plain English is:
“One of us wants to … and She Don’t!”
Pause.
Then I come to find out the real truth about her:
Pause.
She FAKES …
just like a woman.
Yes she does!
… Just like a Tourist!
(aside)
Hope this don’t mess up my show tonight.
Pause.
of my up-close and-personal in-your-face investigatin’ journalism.
Right after she told me were were
quote … desire discordant … unquote
I looked it up on my Google toolbar.
I knocked the dang thing outta the park!
Y’all know about the Google Whack, don’t ya?
and you search it up on Google-dot-com and it looks out
over the whole All-America On-Line Worldwide Internet
and it comes back with one – and only one answer back –
well … that’s your dang Google Whack!
You don’t believe it?
It’s all right here.
with the news so you can follow through on it
your own selfs at home … in the dark.
Henri suddenly jerks.
I know she still cares about me.
Pause.
She told me she’d be out there in the audience tonight …
Henri scans his audience.
… and she’d have my ID
LIGHTS
Gettin’ Up Close and Personal In-Your-Face on The Recovery Channel.
and how every dang American can help out.
It’s another to be sacrificin’ hard-earned American privileges
like gas … and electricity.
we’d get rid of war
… Period.
a home team and … Guys? Guys?
GUY IN AUDIENCE: Away team?
HENRI: … Visitin’ team. Right!
You got to draw the line somewhere!
Now think about it. It helps in a war if they wear different uniforms, kinda like a ball game.
War’s a direct result of people movin’ all over tarnation …
stealin’ home … and haulin’ suspicious bags of mass consumption.
In other words, war’s caused – no doubt – by (spits the word): TOURISTS!
gotta search ‘em.
when the President of the United States … of America
called me up for his perpetual War on Tourism.
I’s all for it, hunnerdt-and-fifteen percent.
When the President of the Whole Dang Planet asks for your help,
Well by God you gotta give it to him!
When he says “don’t misunderestimate this …
the worst threat to American freedom and-personal
good ole top-dollar family values is
Tourism” … well, you just can’t argue with that!
You got no choice, up against the Axes of Empire
and … pure dee-ole EVIL!
But who are these dang Tourists …
comin’ in huge cells on chartered flights and tour busses?
Wearin’ Oahu shirts … Bermuda shorts … and
open-toed Milano shoes?
Beijing,
Tokyo,
Cairo …
and
San Ho-dang-Zay!!!
Cameras hangin’ …
stoppin’ …
parkin’ …
eatin’ …
Tons of Trash!
You can smell a Tourist a mile off,
like overripe Gorgonzola!
They don’t know the streets!
Always in the way,
cloggin’ the parks and open space.
Messin’ up the best attractions …
like Her Majesty …
Henri stands at attention
… the … Golden … Gate … Bridge …
Henri “draws” arc of bridge with his index finger.
Before they start chargin’ nine bucks for it.
Nothin’s worse than comin’ home after a long day’s work
and there on your doorstep is some drunk Tourist …
sleepin’ off his night of thrills up on the world’s crookedest street!
Dang foreigners!
Henri starts toward audience, angry.
It’s time for all you Tourists to Go Home!
Gotta learn you can’t play ball in America like that no more.
Takin’ up the best box seats at PacBell Park.
And both the dang dugouts!
Check the rosters of Major League Baseball:
it’s all foreigners.
National Pastime my foot!
It’s time to Piratize the ballparks
like they did in Pittsburgh.
Give ‘em back to the American People …
that own the teams.
and root out foreign Tourism in the Ownership Society
right after these messages.
LIGHTS
He thinks a minute.
Looks at his “watch” …
again he scans the audience.
Never calls.
Never writes.
Pause.
Driver’s license?
National Homeland Social Security card?
Henri extends hand to WOMAN in first row.
HENRI: Hand it over!
WOMAN hands Henri a driver’s license.
HENRI: Thank you. I’m not gonna steal this.
walks to other side of audience,
takes out another card,
approaches a MAN in the first row.
It says … This is her name (pointing to card) …
Can you read that?
MAN (reads card): Adzuki Pablano.
(looks at card) … from CHINAtown! Can you point to where Chinatown is?
WOMAN responds.
or have you ever been … a Tourist?
Pause.
Henri turns back to center.
here at the Recovery Channel. But I can’t do that all the time.
I’m doin’ this to make a point. (to WOMAN) … I don’t mean to embarrass
you there, ma’am.
pulls out phone book tear sheet,
page A38).
He reads:
“The fastest growin’ crime in our nation today.”
Identify Theft.
Just like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.
Boom – they gotcha!
I know because it happens to the best of us.
Pause.
She’s got no ID of her own.
Pause.
Henri gives phone book tear sheet to someone.
You can keep that. Right out of the phone book.
Page A38, in all the Regional Directories.
Now, when a woman tells you her name is “Jello Biafra”,
you know she’s not eatin’ too good.
And when she says she’s singin’ for Ted … Kennedy
you just gotta help her out!
There’s some guy she knows named Eric and she claimed in court
that SHE was HIS fake impersonator on stage!
And that HE was the real “Jello Biafra” – not her.
Even though he told the court his name was Eric!?!
Certainly the Court was confused as to the gender of Jello.
Not me!
and his two-faced scam. Kinda like Milli Vanilli.
What’m I ‘spozed to do? I gave it to her!
She … just does … things … to me.
Henri shakes like jello.
Y’all know that story I had last night
about the sleep sex research at Stanford University?
Pause.
Where people’re havin’ sex while they’re
fast asleep … and they don’t even know about it?
Like I reported: “It’s more common than they first thought!”
Hard enough getting’ it while you’re awake!
Then when you do, you’re sleepin’ through it!”
I always do the research here, but
I had to stop sleepin’ with her … this time,
because I saw what she was hiding’ right there in her shower!
Henri struggles with each word on the list …
Micro-dermabrasion kit …
Rinse-off solvent.
Fungus therapy!
Bio-tourism! Right there in her dang shower!
twice-st!
Henri meekly shakes a fist.
She’s a Tourist!
LIGHTS
HENRI: Welcome back!
Anybody watchin’ this show on a regular basis
knows everything I say up here’s pretty much true.
If it’s not, I’ll be the first one to let ya know.
Every American understands that intelligence comes at a price.
Ya wanna be smart, you gotta pay for it.
But what’s your price?
Mine’s a buck-fifty … a gallon.
One main fact you can’t overlook about Tourism:
It runs on oil!
Jet fuel … rent-a-cars … tanks.
Every wheel needs grease.
Not to mention Amtrak in the mail!
You kick the dang oil habit … you stop Tourism dead in its tracks.
Once a week the siren goes off
meanin’ we’re havin’ a quote … “Shelter-In-Place” event … unquote.
What that means in plain English is … “stay home”.
Cyanide leak!
The Cracker broke!
The Cracker, that’s the thing that cracks your crude down into
propane, ethanol and your volatile fuels of mass consumption.
So we cam bomb the Tourists back to Stonestown!
The whole world needs to just shelter-in-place … and stay there!
‘Course I know we’re not gonna eliminate Tourism
unless we deregulate … transportation!
Passports!
I mean, what Tourist doesn’t have one?
Airline tickets!
You get an airline ticket, it’s got your name on it,
and your seat number.
You got a seat number at home?
I don’t think so!
Most regulated industry of all is transportation …
Like I said about the squeaky wheel.
Gotta come clean on this because you know my motto:
“If laws are outlawed only outlaws will have laws.”
Pause.
for speeding’. (sheepish) and tryin’ to haul a load of horse manure
across (meekly “drawing” it with his finger) the Golden … Gate … Bridge …
Got pulled over by the National Guard …
AND the Highway Patrol!
Can’t blame ‘em. Them boys are on a state of perpetual alert
at all times. No wonder they can’t tell the difference
between horse manure and stable beddin’.
Don’t bring up about the “urinated wood chips”.
They don’t wanna hear about it.
Them National Guard boys are pretty slow.
I mean … had to chase me all the way down to Sausalito.
Pulled me over … Chevy stepside … pulled me over on Bridgeway.
Right across from the No Name.
Had to drop my precious load in that little Plaza Vina del Mar
with the white elephant statuary.
I know y’all know it.
(now indignant)
Dang! Good manure now fertilizin’ primroses!
What’s this country comin’ too when an All-American tomato grower
gets apprehended tryin’ to fertilize his Big Beef and his Black Prince?
And then they waste it all on primroses!
Burns my dang goat!
I tole ‘em “Our faith-based industrial-military complex
needs lotsa good enemies, but I’m not one of ‘em!!!”
They just said:
NATIONAL GUARD VOICE: “Show us some ID!”
HENRI: I said Jello Biafra’s got mine and she didn’t show up yet!
(aside)
She better get here!
Then I said: “What you goys pullin’ me over for anyway?”
And they said, get this, they said:
NATIONAL GUARD VOICE: “We’s protectin’ the Tourists!?!”
HENRI: I said: “I’m the American around here!
You’re ‘spozed to be protectin’ me and my dang
(spikes his fist into hand for each beat)
Golden … Gate … Bridge!
They didn’t like that one bit.
They said, real polite.
NATIONAL GUARD VOICE: “You’re under arrest.”
HENRI: And I said
(presenting his sartorial splendor to the audience) …
“Do I look like a Tourist???” And they said:
NATIONAL GUARD VOICE: “We’re not that dumb. We’re agents of the US of A.
We know McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City with a truckload of fertilizer,
just like you. And we know this is ‘the suicide bridge’.
And we know what you’re out here … up to … on it, Mister Freud!”
HENRI: Well, they had me there!
Seems then National Guard boys knew
a lot more about me than just my name
and my National Homeland Social Security number
(feigns modesty)
… and of course, my fame here on cable tv.
Henri takes off his ballcap, holds up page A38 of phone book.
Then I said “You guys ever look on page A38 of the phone book?”
And then they started to get a little rough.
Henri notices someone in back of audience.
I’m not dangerous!
He points.
She’s dangerous!
She’s got strange bottles in her bathroom!
Henri continues pointing at “someone” running in back of audience.
There she goes … she’s got my ID.
She’s a Tourist for God’s sake!
Don’t let her get away.
Pause.
‘Course they let her get away.
That’s the last time I ever saw her.
I still “see” her all the time.
Pause.
I started to tell ‘em about her exfoliatin’ lip treatment,
and that’s when they put the duct tape over my mouth.
Henri grabs his jaw.
And they said I got a right to remain silent.
Pause.
Later they said they’d let me have this one last show,
First Amendment reasons.
Don’t quote me, but I’m startin’ to doubt
what I am sayin’ on my own show here
because, well … that wasn’t a Google Whack I made back there.
Because I put it in direct quote marks.
You can look it up in the Syllabus.
You can’t have direct quote marks for Google
to count it as a Google Whack.
So, If I can’t trust my own reportin’ … whose can I trust?
Besides, gettin’ arrested by your own governmint
is real … humiliatin’.
Especially right there in front of the No Name Bar.
Pause.
I gotta go to my trial now.
They won’t be havin’ it on Court TV.
Or Judge Judy.
Or Elimidate.
I’ll be gone a few weeks … or ten, to life.
Jello Biafra’s ‘spozed to be down here takin’ over my prime time slot
on the Recovery Channel.
And I reckon she will … with me gone.
… whoever she turns out to be.
Henri exits.
LIGHTS
Henri returns, reading National Enquirer with headline:
Pause.
ANNOUNCER (off): Next on Recovery Channel,
from exile, it’s Henri Freud: Up Close and Personal.
Henri returns with a bundle under his arm.
HENRI: I’m not making this up.
Except for the part about HDSD.
(BEAT) High Definition Smart Dust.
Berkeley won’t answer my email.
So I know somethin’s up.
Henri moves toward audience, pulls out Syllabus.
HENRI (handing it out): Here’s tonight’s Syllabus.
Proves everything I’m sayin’ on this show is pretty much true.
Like I always say: we’re the only news program on cable
that puts out a Syllabus with the news.
So you can follow up your own research and
take it to your place of worship … when ya vote.
HENRI (removes sunglasses): Welcome back!
Might as well come clean on this.
First she hauls out a camera,
a collar,
a HALTERtop …
a measurin’ tape,
a blue dress … with a STAIN on it,
a leash and
a couple loose wires,
ya know, for hookin’ up a light bulb.
Then she tells me …
RANGER voice: See how these things fit ya.
HENRI: I said, matter of fact: (presenting his sartorial self)
“What don’tcha like about my outfit?”
RANGER voice: Take off your clothes!
HENRI: Ma’am I picked this out my own self
… at the Citizens-for-Fair-Choice fundraiser.
RANGER voice: Take off your DANG CLOTHES!!!
BAM!
Honey? Never thought I’d see you again!
Pause of reawareness.
Henri blinks.
These liberatin’ peacekeepers
gotta play a little rough,
defendin’ almighty dollar.
I understand that!
Don’t hurt too much.
Once ya get used to it.
Kinda like a (spits) frat prank.
I know Recovery Channel don’t like me cussin’
on this show, but … HELL,
Daddy beat me worse than that!
RANGER voice: Take ‘em off!
HENRI: I say: “I’ll take ‘em off, ma’am,
if you fill out the proper paperwork.
Ya got a release or somethin’ for me?”
At that point, she had to know she’s dealin’ with a PRO!
Them girls and boys from our town, the holler, the rust belt …
they don’t feel all that tough out here on strange terrain.
Ya gotta look at it from their dang point of view,
liberatin’ peacekeepers livin’ every minute
on the skin of their teeth.
Everythin’s foreign!
Not knowin’ local customs.
Who the dang “enemy” is.
Young minds get OCCUPIED
with odd thoughts …
alone and far away from home.
They GET it rough … so they GIVE it rough.
‘Course, they don’t know a thing about
Henri scratches his left ear, suddenly stands erect.
On Seven Eleven when the President of the United States …
of America … declared Global War on Tourism,
he said you got to sacrifice of your own-selfs.
So by God, I sacrificed – hunnerdt-and-fifteen percent
of my own self …
in solitary confinement.
Kinda like Mel Gibson’s movie “Passion Pits of Christ”.
Go ahead and let ‘em beat crap outta me.
If Jesus can hannle it, I can hannle it!
Pause.
I been through Pledge Week … and Hell Night!
Henri turns and goes to back wall.
LIGHTS
HENRI turns and returns to center.
HENRI: Fourth of July early mornin’ down Houston
at George Herbert Walker Bush InterContinental
right across Beltway 8 from Halliburton.
the Airport Announcer Says:
AIRPORT ANNOUNCER voice: This terminal has been designated
as non-smokin’ areas, blah-blah-blah.
HENRI: More ridiculous regulation … in a BUSH AIRPORT!
(beat) Bad enough you gotta go through the metal … detector.
The shoes! Don’t forget to unlock your luggage.
So National Homeland Social Security can mess up your packin’.
Suddenly I think of a joke:
Two men on a street corner, tall one leans t’other and says:
“Ya know I was straight … when you married me.”
Instead of that joke, though … I yell out:
“I-RON-ee is dead … dead … dead … “
My words ricochet off
glass,
stainless steel,
Starbucks cups.
“dead … dead … dead.”
There in the world’s 19th busiest airport.
Pause.
After the catastrophic success of Seven Eleven,
Every American from Karl Rove to Graydon Carter
knows irony’s deader’an a doornail!
Just like “history is … history.”
Pause.
RANGER voice: Freeze!
black blazers chock fulla federal agents,
flyin’ sunglasses, unpacked heat
and them new hearin-aid cell phones.
They’re talkin’ to their own selfs …
before they talk to me.
One of ‘em wears a ballcap says “GUARD”.
He’s short, Ben Franklin shades. Good cop.
Don’t say much.
Other, she’s got a badge says “RANGER”.
Tall, athletic. Gold tooth. Bad cop.
Mostly does the talkin’.
“Ranger” rhymes with “stranger” …
and she was.
RANGER voice: Who’d ya say’s dead?
HENRI: That’s more a WHAT question, innit?
RANGER voice: Why you talkin’ ‘bout death … IN AN AIRPORT!?!
HENRI: I ask ‘em if they think I should go to a funeral home?
Then Guard says …
GUARD voice: We know what you said!
RANGER voice: We gotcha on playback.
HENRI: Sure enough, on playback, I hear myself say:
HENRI PLAYBACK voice: “I-RON-ee is dead … dead … dead … “
RANGER voice: I-RON-ee ... Just where’s that located at?
HENRI (shrugs): Grateful Dead Sea?
RANGER voice: WE’RE AT WAR HERE! Show some respect!
HENRI: Guard suddenly grabs me and says:
GUARD voice: We had him first!
RANGER voice: We got him now!
HENRI: So right there, two jurisdictions had me apprehended
inside the gates of Bush InterContinental for tellin’ a joke,
get this, tellin’ a joke in a … joke-free zone.
Pause.
‘Course it wasn’t a dang “joke” I told at all.
was an actual, non-sequitur.
A wisecrack.
Pause.
Now that crack’s got me buried in a deep hole.
Should’a just kept my dang trap shut!
She came down hard with them flexicuffs!
As they hauled me out the baggage claim,
remarks – or jokes – may result in your own personal arrest.
We appreciate your cooperating while these measures are in effect.
and Ranger said.
Guilty as not charged.
Go directly to jail.
Do not pass Go.
Do not stand before
RECOVERY CHANNEL ANNOUNCER:
LIGHTS
INTERMISSION
TAGS: Abu Ghraib, child abuse, hazing, airport humor, solitary confinement, No Name Bar, Golden Gate Bridge, Eric Reed Boucher, Jello Biafra, Google Whack, Major League Baseball, War on Tourism, Sausalito, Shelter-In-Place,
APOLOGIES
Joseph Strauss, Ilse Stanfield, Bob Dylan, Jello Biafra, Eric Reed Boucher, Judge Judy, George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein, Hannibal Lecter, Baghdad Bob, Country Joe McDonald, The Dead Kennedys, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Amtrak, Stanford University School of Medicine, San Francisco Mime Troupe and The Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club.
Judi Jobb, Meera Chaturvedi, Charlie Varon, Evy Jean Pine, Rebecca Halas, Jennifer Proctor, Lisa Anne Manulkin, Bob Schier, Beverly Kalinin, Earthman Mur, Robin Plutchok, Lorrie Berg, Ken Berry, Ivy Millman, Itzzy Rothstein, Deborah Giattina, Holly Johnston, Stephanie Weisman, Joe Malloy, Fred Wickham, Mike Duvall, Douglas McCoy, Terry Porter, Robert Kourik, Peder Jones, Jeff Angus, Dena Zachariah, Dusty Gray Menesini, Mike Menesini, Mario Menesini, Iumi Richard Crow, Patrice Manget, Hilde Brautigam, Victor Delpine, Scott Ganas, Monica Ganas, Bill Broder, Steven Russon, Jana Rolls Russon, JoAnn Valenti, Brad Rovanpera, Ron White, Marnie White, Tracey Walker, Jackie Walker, Bruce Weidman, Deanne Weidman, Jackie Escobar, Lois Quesada, Scott Coddington, Patt Coddington, Dianne Hayashi Browning, Bob Shipman, Millie DePalllo, Mark Richardson, Brenda Richardson, Phil Frank, Marion Cunningham, Linda Hanson, Linda Allison, Bill Wells, Martha Weston, Charlene Wisman, Kate Gaines, John Gaines, Deanne Lindstrom, John Lindstrom, Mary Crummer, Arthur Crummer, Carolyn Robertson, James Robertson, Jane Chen, Brian Seff, Joshua Brody, the Poet Azeem.
*
copyright (c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb
all rights reserved
Caution: No part of this dramatic work may be reproduced, for any reason, by any means, including any method of photographic reproduction, without the permission of the author.
This play is fully protected in whole, in part, or in any form, under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, and is subject to a royalty.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to the author at Traveling Light Studio.
Henri Freud tells the news
PHOTOS by Jana Rolls Russon
https://www.facebook.com/weeklyworldnews/photos/10154623931406983/
https://www.medicinenet.com/discordant_couple/definition.htm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bushism
https://www.lifelock.com/learn-identity-theft-resources-synthetic-identity-theft.html
https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/milli-vanilli-lip-sync-scandal-24196724
https://www.newsreview.com/chico/content/quivering-jello/28074/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_the_Body_Snatchers
https://www.healthline.com/health/microdermabrasion
https://emergency.cdc.gov/bioterrorism/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oklahoma_City_bombing
https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB1002055715846896960
https://emergency.yale.edu/be-prepared/shelter-place
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googlewhack
https://www.georgewbushlibrary.smu.edu/en/Topics/GWOT
https://agriculture.illinoisstate.edu/downloads/Horse_bedding_compost_brochure.pdf
https://www.goldengate.org/bridge/history-research/bridge-construction/joseph-strauss/
https://www.sftravel.com/article/sf-icons-lombard-street
https://www.marinij.com/2009/06/24/sausalitos-legendary-no-name-bar-marks-50-years/
https://www.mlb.com/news/opening-day-features-256-internationally-born-players
https://www.mlb.com/news/pittsburgh-pirates-team-name-history
https://www.aclu.org/other/5-problems-national-id-cards
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saddam_Hussein#Political_and_cultural_image
https://www.bobdylan.com/songs/just-woman/
https://www.azonano.com/article.aspx?ArticleID=5560
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abu_Ghraib_torture_and_prisoner_abuse
http://jaapl.org/content/38/1/104
https://www.nationalenquirer.com/celebrity/martha-darkest-secrets/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hazing
https://www.reddit.com/r/Frat/comments/9v6mc9/hell_week_ideas/
https://youtu.be/5pBjaEog_34 (one minute, 36 seconds)
https://nymag.com/news/9-11/10th-anniversary/irony/
https://www.jstor.org/stable/27552281
https://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2327&context=plr
https://www.etsy.com/listing/817512881/hannibal-lecter-designed-face-mask-daily?ref=shop_home_recs_1
https://www.amazon.com/Jokes-Airports-Other-Things-Better/dp/1889632287
https://www.insider.com/zip-tie-guy-capitol-riot-plastic-handcuffs-police-prosecutors-2021-1
https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2002-aug-10-na-bar10-story.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Skin_of_Our_Teeth
This from Spike Lee:
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/kMgEupbTsus
Meanwhile in the news, we find this opinion:
ReplyDeletehttps://thetriad.thebulwark.com/p/punishment-never-works
Meanwhile in today's other news:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.rawstory.com/tropical-storm-henri-barrels-toward-u-s-east-coast/
https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/08/23/despite-trillions-spent-us-military-hasnt-won-real-war-1945
ReplyDeleteThen there is this little SUMMARY JUDGMENT:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.commondreams.org/news/2021/09/01/911-us-has-spent-21-trillion-militarism-home-and-abroad
An episode of "House" that deals with "sleep sex":
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/WR7teEjB_YU