Photo by Jamie Jobb
Autocar
or
Six Characters in Search of a Designated Driver
a romantic road show in one act
by Jamie Jobb
Scene One
STRUMPF MOTORS showroom –Twilight, San Francisco.Car salesman AUSTIN DOBRO andfloor manager BENTLEY CONUNDRUMstare out storefront windows.AUDIO: showroom Muzak, distant phones ring.PROJECTION: “Strumpf Motors” with billboard:“Home of the Autocar” “What A Deal We Got For You!”
AUSTIN: It’s escaped!
BENTLEY: Can’t be!
AUSTIN: It’s out …
BENTLEY: Left the lot?
AUSTIN: … on its own.
BENTLEY: Drove … itself?
AUSTIN: … What’d ya expect from “The Autonomous Vehicle”?
BENTLEY: I saw this coming. We took Pride-of-Ownership
right out of the equation.
AUSTIN: Only sold one of ‘em so far – to a retired chauffeur!
BENTLEY (mocks): “The All-Automatic, All-Purpose, All-New Autocar.
No need to test drive!”
Beat.
AUSTIN: It’s self-driving, self-parking, self-cleaning, accident-proof and
extremely fuel-efficient. You-don’t-have-to-do-a-damn-thing!
BENTLEY: It takes care of itself, thank you very much … “a computer
on wheels”.
AUSTIN: You don’t even have to GO anywhere at all!
Pause.
BENTLEY: Elon Musk is nuts!
AUSTIN: Looks like an egg!
BENTLEY: Who drives an egg?
AUSTIN: A chicken!
BENTLEY: A turkey!
AUSTIN (mocks): “What’s it gonna take to get you into one of
these turkeys today?”
BENTLEY (tries to sound Yiddish): “Vatt A Deal Ve Got For You!”
Pause.
Bentley gets coffee.
BENTLEY: Which way did it go?
AUSTIN: Out Geary …
BENTLEY: That can’t be!
AUSTIN: Check the GPS …
Both of them check computer Monitor.
PROJECTION: Autocar lays down computer game trackson map of San Francisco’s 49-Mile Scenic Drive.
AUSTIN: This is no little test-drive glitch … Look! It’s headed into
Golden Gate Park!
BENTLEY: Any passengers?
AUSTIN: Yes!
BENTLEY (suddenly serious):... How many?
AUSTIN: Two … young bureaucrats … from Sacramento.
Beat.
(rapid succession)
BENTLEY: CalTrans …
AUSTIN: DMV!
BENTLEY: Hostages ...
AUSTIN: Kidnapped!
BOTH TOGETHER: Crap! Agents of the State … of California … Trapped
On The Road ...
PROJECTION: Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady… On The Road.
LIGHTS
Scene Two
AUTOCAR holds hostage
MARTINI MINGTEA from Department of Motor Vehicles and NASH RAMBO from California Department of Transportation.
AUDIO: road hum.
PROJECTION: Autocar interior.
MARTINI: What’s going on?
NASH: We’re moving!
MARTINI: Can’t be!
NASH: We are moving!
MARTINI: Open the door!
NASH: It’s locked!
MARTINI: Step on the brake!!
NASH (looks): Where is it?
MARTINI: How would I know? DMV only issues licenses. (beat)
You’re the Designated Driver.
NASH: No! CalTrans is in charge of roads ... We don’t handle drivers!
You’re Designated Driver!!! I’m Designated Shotgun!
Both look around, worried.
They face each other.
Beat.
Both start to panic.
MARTINI: Do Something! You’re the man … it’s your road!
NASH: What’s gender got to do with it? It’s not sexual harassment
… it’s kidnapping!
Pause.
NASH: Quick! Find Autopilot!?!
MARTINI: Can’t say that! Against Regs.
NASH: I forgot. Remember the Power Point? What’s that term
… Level Five? Find Level Five!
MARTINI: Right! Level Five has … “Suppression Overdrive”!
AUDIO: road hum louder.
MARTINI: We can stop this.
Pause.
NASH: How?!?
Pause.
MARTINI: Try the Braking App …
Beat.
Nash takes out his cell.
NASH (pokes phone): Nothing!
MARTINI: We’re kidnapped!
NASH: Kidnapped by an App!?!
MARTINI: This is no joke, Mister!
NASH: State of California – Land of the Freeway – kidnapped by a
Level Five Autocar!
MARTINI: I don’t wanna be some Crash Test Dummy!
NASH: Love that band!
MARTINI (sings): “Tarzan wasn’t a ladies man … “
NASH (sings): “Superman never made any money … “
MARTINI (blurts): We need a superhero – we’re locked in here!
LIGHTS
Scene Three
STRUMPF MOTORS – twilight.
AUSTIN sits at desktop Monitor. BENTLEY paces.
AUDIO: showroom Muzak, distant phones ring incessantly.
PROJECTION: Great Highway with 49-Mile Drive sign.
BENTLEY: Media calls are driving us nuts!
AUSTIN: They’re out on Great Highway!
BENTLEY: 49-Mile Drive!?!
AUSTIN: I knew it!
BENTLEY: They’re following the exact route – second time around!
BENTLEY: Do we know who they are?
AUSTIN (checks Monitor): Test drivers, er … passengers! … Martini
Mingtea from CalTrans and Nash Rambo from DMV. Wait, that’s backward.
BENTLEY: Call ‘em.
AUSTIN: We’ve been trying. They’re not responding.
BENTLEY: Of course. They’ve got their phones turned off!
AUSTIN: State Regs: Can’t text when they’re on the road.
Pause.
AUSTIN: FBI sent their best cyber-trackers. Forensic and bionic experts.
They’ll find the root cause of this runaway car.
BENTLEY: When do they get here?
AUSTIN: Check BART.
BENTLEY: They took BART!?!
AUSTIN: Required to take public transit … in their regs.
BENTLEY: Federal regs!?!
AUSTIN: How do they know what to look for?
BENTLEY: Well … It looks like an egg.
AUSTIN: I keep sayin’: Nobody wants Eggshell White!
LIGHTS
Scene Four
BART car with FBI agents standing,
each “holds” ceiling handrail.
HILARY WASHINGTON also holds clipboard
and binder of regs.
MARTHA JEFFERSON also holds listening device to her ear.
AUDIO: track rumble and tunnel whine.
PROJECTION: interior BART car.
WASHINGTON (listens on device): They say it looks like an egg.
JEFFERSON: White … or brown, like a Rhode Island Red?
WASHINGTON: Like a regular white egg …
JEFFERSON: What color white?
WASHINGTON: … Eggshell White.
AUDIO: beep and air brakes. BART rolls to a stop.
Pause.
PROJECTION: Inside MacArthur Station.
AUDIO: BART door opens.
BART ANNOUNCEMENT (off): “This train is subject to a ten-minute
delay due to deferred track maintenance.”
Beat.
Jefferson looks at Washington.
Pause.
JEFFERSON: DOE and DOT both warned us we shouldn’t take BART.
WASHINGTON: What do you think we should do … ask the Dealership?
You know NSA won’t let us break The Fifth Wall. (indicates listening device) They can’t hear US!
Jefferson takes out file, opens to FBI Report.
JEFFERSON: Here’s the file from Hoover. (reading) The car thinks it’s
Vincent Chang from South San Francisco. Chang made a Google Map search for 49-Mile Drive-star-star … Six years ago. That’s what got Autocar’s software hooked onto the endless 49-mile loop. It just keeps going round and round the same route.
WASHINGTON: I don’t understand.
JEFFERSON: Turns out Chang was among the first autonomous car
developers at Google X. He was on the original DARPA Moonshot Team. Autocar was a baby named “Stanley” when it bonded with him ... or more accurately … his laptop.
WASHINGTON: Stanley?
JEFFERSON: Nobody knows what they mean by that … Chang was
accustomed to hosting visitors from Hong Kong who wanted to see the sights of San Francisco. They often got drunk while doing business … So they don’t mind driving around the city all day in circles … until they get their deals done.
WASHINGTON: What keeps it going? It’s bound to run out of gas.
JEFFERSON: Not this model. (reading) It’s fueled by a new hydrogen super-
octane from Stanford. They produce it with high-energy x-rays. It can run continuously at that speed for over a year. It reclaims eighty percent of its own momentum, and it runs on quantum nanomotors. Twenty trillion math operations a second …. Unstoppable, really.
WASHINGTON: Makes sense! We need to intercept …
BART ANNOUNCEMENT (off): “This train is subject to another
ten-minute delay due to deferred track maintenance. You may transfer to the BART Bridge-Bus between MacArthur and West Oakland.”
Pause.
JEFFERSON: We’re going nowhere. (pause) What about those
compressed-air cars? From France.
WASHINGTON: Andre Citroen was the Henry Ford of France. Invented
their first mass-produced vehicle, eleven years after Ford’s Model T.
JEFFERSON: Eat your Freedom Fries!
WASHINGTON: Sure … France developed an Autocar last century. “The
Quasper” they called it. A Renault SUV with a roof-box and computerized gearing. They rigged the steering wheel to robotics in the backseat. It hit 55 mph in the rain.
JEFFERSON: Wanna sell more cars? Learn French and move to China!
WASHINGTON: A driving robot … all within an existing vehicle: Genius.
And it was fully controllable by any passenger. As usual, the French did it better. Now they’re buying out GM! And they beat everybody to the punch with their self-driving parking lot shuttle for large back-office workers.
JEFFERSON: Screw the French!
WASHINGTON: They take care of that by themselves, thank you very much.
Now they have vehicles that can run all day on compressed air! No internal combustion at all.
JEFFERSON: I know they don’t have America’s problem. Their Autocars
have handbrakes!
BART ANNOUNCEMENT (off): “This train is subject to another
ten-minute delay due to deferred track maintenance. You may transfer to the BART Bridge-Bus between MacArthur and West Oakland.”
WASHINGTON: I miss Metro!
Washington studies Regs. Jefferson takes out iPad.
JEFFERSON: Thank God for Scrabble.
LIGHTS
Scene Five
STRUMPF MOTORS – Later the same evening.
AUSTIN and BENTLEY still track Autocar on Monitor.
BENTLEY: There’s another reason they’re not stopping!
AUSTIN: What?
BENTLEY: They can’t find a single parking space!
AUSTIN: Autocar has the GPS Parking App!
BENTLEY (points to monitor): Autocar says: “No Spaces Available.”
AUSTIN: That can’t be! We see ‘em!
PROJECTION: “22 Spaces Available”.
BENTLEY: Things’ve gone haywire!
BENTLEY: Their phones are still off … What can we do?
AUSTIN: Nothing … but keep watching.
LIGHTS
Scene Six
AUTOCAR still on 49-Mile Scenic Drive
MARTINI pulls out flask from purse and offers NASH a drink.
AUDIO: road hum.
PROJECTION: montage of San Francisco landmarks.
MARTINI: Can’t drink-n-drive when nobody’s driving!
NASH (sips): Right on! Kidnap us and we get royally pissed!
Pause.
Nash hands flask back to Martini.
MARTINI: Yellow … Checker … Über … Lyft … Didi
NASH: … all going out of business.
MARTINI: All kaputtski … (sips)
NASH: Nobody’ll remember ‘em!
MARTINI: We saw this coming at DMV!
NASH: CalTrans did too … wrote it into our Twenty-Twenty regs.
MARTINI: Dealerships see the writing on the wall.
NASH: Too much inventory. No drivers … no sales.
MARTINI (sips): People wanna ride bikes these days. Public Transit ...
Motorcycles for Chrissake! Screw cars … split those lanes!
NASH (sips): The Solo Commuter … What-a-Has-Been!
MARTINI: Who’s getting new licenses? Hell, we only had twenty five
last month … Whole state!
NASH: Nobody buying cars either. Did you see San Jose turned an auto row
into condos? Same thing happening in Fremont and West Sac.
MARTINI (sips): We’re supposed to treat everybody equal. (punches flask
to sky) Hardly equal!
NASH: Look how they treat us, mother-frackers (sic)?
MARTINI: Like we owe ‘em a license?
NASH (sips): Don’t tax me, tax the other cat!
MARTINI: I can’t wait for a self-riding motorcycle … the Bot-Bike!
NASH: Über wants to change its name to “Elevate”– a fleet of flying taxis!
Pause.
Martini looks out windshield, takes out another flask.
MARTINI: God bless (purring) Über! (beat) I’m beginning to enjoy
this … (takes another sip).
NASH (sips): The repetitions … the recurring landmarks?
MARTINI: The constant … same … change! We do seem to be going lot
faster … or is my head spinning?
NASH: That’s entropy – the constant falling arrow of time.
MARTINI: Falling? Spiraling? (losing her balance) … up and down!
NASH: Whatever … (steadies her).
PROJECTION: Animation of 49-Mile DriveLandmarks appear as Nash calls them out.
NASH (holds flask): Embarcadero … Folsom … Ferry Building
...California Street Cable Car … (sips) … Moscone Center ... Powell Cable Car Round ... Painted Ladies … (sips) … Union Square ... Steep Hill ... Chinatown Gate … (sips) … Chinatown … (sips) …Coit Tower ... Filbert Street Steps... Crooked Street … (sips) … Alcatraz ... Transamerica Pyramid ... Sea Lions … (sips) … Aquatic Park ... Ghiradelli Square ... Maritime Museum ... Golden Gate Bridge ... Fort Mason … (sips) … Palace of Fine Arts ... Presidio Gate … (sips) … Old Post Hospital ... National Cemetery ... Crissy Field... Fort Point ... Baker Beach ... Lands End ... Lincoln Park Golf … (sips) … Ocean Beach … (sips) … Twin Peaks … (sips) … AT&T Park … The Bay Bridge … (sips) … Wash ... rinse ... repeat!
Nash throws down flask in triumph!
Pause.
MARTINI: There’s only 36 stops on the 49-Mile Drive!?! What about
the missing thirteen?
NASH: LOOK OUT!
AUDIO: wild tire screeching.
PROJECTION: (video) swerving auto and legs.
AUTOCAR suddenly swerves to miss someone.
Martini and Nash lurch to maintain balance.
MARTINI (sips): Did we just hit something?
NASH: Or some … one?
AUDIO: road hum.
PROJECTION: San Francisco State campus.
NASH: … coulda been a student!
MARTINI: Hit-and-run kidnappers!
NASH: Federal and state offenses!
MARTINI: We’re done!
LIGHTS
Scene Seven
STRUMPF MOTORS – the same evening.
AUSTIN and BENTLEY track Autocar on Monitor.
BENTLEY: They’re in a big hurry out at S.F. State!
AUSTIN: Autocar’s getting dirty.
BENTLEY: How do we know?
AUSTIN: There’s an optical scanner inside the windshield. It senses grime
and sends warnings after too much yellow waxy buildup. We’re seeing it head into the red. The sensors are going to shut down the drivetrain … there’s no telling what could happen. It drives itself only when it sees clearly!
BENTLEY: What can we do?
AUSTIN: Nothing … but keep watching.
LIGHTS
Scene Eight
AUTOCAR interior – same evening.
NASH and MARTINI huddle together.
AUDIO: tires screeching.
PROJECTION: Golden Gate Bridge.
NASH: We’ve gone off Scenic Drive … we’re headed over The Golden Gate!
MARTINI: Driving around in circles makes it feel dirty.
NASH: Vehicles have feelings too!
Martini and Nash climb into back seat,get cozy together (out of view).
MARTINI: Wow … get a load of this!
NASH: Bucket backseats!
Both of them now have flasks, they clink them in a toast.
BOTH TOGETHER (off): To California!
NASH (off): We love you … DMV.
MARTINI (off): We love you … CalTrans.
LIGHTS
Scene Nine
STRUMPF MOTORS – same evening.
AUSTIN and BENTLEY track Autocar on Monitor.
AUSTIN: It went to wash itself!
BENTLEY: How do we know that?
AUSTIN: Telemetry … GPS has them pinned down to a three-hundred
dollar touch-less car wash in Marin County. Complete with valet donuts and tantric massage.
BENTLEY: So what can we do?
AUSTIN: Nothing … Just keep watching.
LIGHTS
Scene Ten
AUTOCAR interior – later that evening.
MARTINI and NASH are not visible,but can be heard in back seat.
AUDIO: frantic romantic music.PROJECTION: video animation – Autocar covered in suds.
MARTINI (sings, off): “Superman never made any money … “
NASH (sings, off): “I Tarzan … you Jane!”
MARTINI (off): We’ve run out of juice!
NASH (off): Now what can we do?
Martini shrieks.
Pause.
MARTINI (off): Do we have a diaphragm?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Do we have an IUD?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Do we have a sponge?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Do we have a Nuva Ring?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Do we have a pill?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Do we have a condom?!?
NASH (off): No!
MARTINI (off): Oh well … (moaning)
AUDIO: romantic music swells … Autocar rocks.
LIGHTS
LUIGI PIRANDELLO (in spot): My name is Luigi Pirandello. Please
pardon the narrative intrusion at this intimate moment, but I must point out that when I wrote a play in Nineteen Twenty-One called “Six Characters in Search of An Author” – never did I imagine that two of those six characters would hang out and conceive of a seventh! Another testament to the power of the bucket backseat … and alcohol as medicine.
LIGHTS
Scene Eleven
BART Car – same evening.
HILARY WASHINGTON holds clipboard and binder of regs.MARTHA JEFFERSON balances iPhone and iPad.
AUDIO: tiny bell and slight AC hum.PROJECTION: interior BART car, motionless.
JEFFERSON (reads iPad): Let’s hear it for the good ole USA! Now, we’ve
got DoorDash -- the robot pizza delivery service. Delivers food straight from the restaurant to your door. No human needed.
WASHINGTON: And it’s a good way to feed the homeless!
JEFFERSON: They’ll flock like seagulls to extra innings at a ball park
near the sea!
Pause.
WASHINGTON: Six hundred million cars on the planet. And we can’t
get cross town!
JEFFERSON: What part of “public transit” don’t we understand?
WASHINGTON: The moving part!
BART ANNOUNCEMENT (off): “This train is subject to another
ten-minute delay due to deferred track maintenance. You may transfer to the BART Bridge-Bus between MacArthur and West Oakland.”
JEFFERSON (checks cell): We’ve been stuck here two hours! (puts
away iPad) All my Scrabble partners have gone to bed.
WASHINGTON: Every year … one billion cubic meters of fuel … burned!
JEFFERSON: No wonder I’m hot!
WASHINGTON: Ain’t funny. You ever been to Venus?
JEFFERSON: Huh?
WASHINGTON: Venus … “Runaway Greenhouse Effect”. Unquote.
Look it up.
AUDIO: air movement, tracks rumbling.
PROJECTION: BART car moving through tunnel.
JEFFERSON: We’re moving!
LIGHTS
Scene Twelve
STRUMPF MOTORS showroom – next day.
AUSTIN and JEFFERSON are looking at anAutocar … inside and out.
BENTLEY chats with WASHINGTON.
BENTLEY: You got here too late. They escaped when Autocar drove onto
BART and got stuck between trains. Must be the reason your train was delayed so long. Then Autocar got off BART in Fremont and drove them to Cherry Oaks, where they settled down (points to monitor). Seems Autocar has a mind of its own …
WASHINGTON: Looks like they’ve got a nice little “Nest Egg” …
PARALLEL SCENE upstage right:
AWOL Autocar in suburban
driveway slowly rocking.
AUDIO: spring birds chirping, a baby giggles.
PROJECTION: “Cherry Oaks California –
Nine Months Later”
BENTLEY: It’s not a nest. Take off the wheels, it rocks like a cradle!
WASHINGTON: Is California ready for a vehicle that runs from cradle
to grave? I don’t think so!
Meanwhile on the other side of Strumpf Motors …Austin takes paperwork, hands Jefferson keys to Autocar!
END of PLAY
CHARACTERS
AUSTIN DOBRO – Young up-and-coming new-car salesman at Strumpf Motors.
BENTLEY CONUNDRUM – Seasoned salesman and floor manager at Strumpf Motors.
MARTINI MINGTEA – licensing inspector and designated “driver” from California Department of Motor Vehicles.
NASH RAMBO – motorway inspector and designated “shotgun” from California Department of Transportation.
HILARY WASHINGTON – FBI cyber-tracker, expert in bionic locations.
MARTHA JEFFERSON – FBI cyber-tracker, expert in forensic locations.
EXTRAS: BART Announcer (voice), LUIGI PIRANDELLO.
LOCATIONS:
Autocar, down right.
BART car, upstage center.
Strumpf Motors, down left.
* * *
copyright (c) 2022 by Jamie Jobb - all rights reserved
CAUTION: Nothing within this one-act play may be replicated, for any reason, by any means, including any form of photographic reproduction, without expressed permission of the author.
This written work is subject to a royalty and are fully protected – in whole, in part or in any method of production – under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved by the author. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to him, contact details below.
ISBN:
Library of Congress Catalog Number:
Jobb, Jamie
“Autocar” or “Six Characters in Search of a Driver”
Contact Details regarding performance rights:
Apologies: Henry Ford, Willie Lowman.
Thanks: James T. Jobb, Arthur Miller.
FURTHERMORE
https://search.carsgenius.com/serp?q=5+levels+of+autonomous+driving&sc=9ZheFntez4xj02
https://www.ibm.com/industries/automotive
https://www.ibm.com/products/iot-for-automotive
https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/file/order-to-adopt-pdf/
https://www.adrenaline-junkee.com/Dragonfire-Racing-Rear-Bucket-Bench-Seat-RZR-4-800-p/15-1011.htm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autocar_Company
