any road will take you there.”
– Taylor Goldsmith
Baggage Claim
or
Late for Thanksgiving
an airport-lounge tragic-farce in one act
by Jamie Jobb
(c) 2022 by Jamie Jobb
AUDIO: incomprehensible sitcom dialogand canned laughter.
PROJECTED upstage on big-screen “Monitor” images flicker to life:an odd sequence of film clips and street views of exotic locales.
HE sits facing upstage with his back toward us.Erect and waiting motionless.
SHE enters left quickly crossing right. Frantic.She drags a pair of large suitcases. They’re heavy.
SHE (checks watch): We’re late!
SHE exits right, struggles with baggage.
AUDIO (off right): car door opens,loud metallic rumbling,... somebody falls?Car door slam.
SHE (off): Please co-
AUDIO: Another slam.
SHE (off): -operate!!!
AUDIO: Another slam.
SHE (off): … Ugggghhhhh!!!
Pause.
Now composed,SHE enters right empty-handed,crossing left.
He remains seated.She stops, hesitating toward him – reachingbut not touching.
SHE (points): Where’s our … tie?
He looks down.
Suddenly before any answer, She looks down …
SHE: Our … purse?
SHE abruptly exits, left.
He does not speak, but remains seated.He feels his chest.
AUDIO (off left): loud rumbling of metal and wood.
He reaches under seat, searching. Nothing.
Pause.
AUDIO (off left): more rumbling of wood.
He stands but stops before taking any step toward sounds.He sits back down. Gingerly.
SHE enters left with large black patent leather purse andtwo more rolling bags.
Her precarious and heavy load creates another struggle.
She stops, puts down bags.He does not move to help.
SHE (feels her chest): Did we print our … boarding pass?
Without waiting for response,SHE suddenly exits right with purse and bags.
He clears throat and again stands.He awkwardly bends to look under seat.Finding nothing, again He sits down.
AUDIO (off left): rumbling of railroad track and horns.Car door cracks open.Long and loud cloth rip.
SHE (off): Arrrgggghhhh!
Pause.
SHE (off): Butterscotch fudge!
SHE enters right, again holding nothing,but trying to act composed.Her dress is ripped, She disregards it.
He sits and studies the situation, tilting in his seat as …She continues to cross mid-stage but stopsto directly confront him, hands on hips.
Pause.
SHE: Our boarding …
Suddenly, She looks down to notice ripped dress.
SHE: … tickets?
He sits, looks under seat.
He shrugs. She shivers …
SHE: Did … we print …
Suddenly, She turns and leaps up,
all legs and arms flailing like Al St. John.
Beat.
SHE (blurts): our … turkey!!!
SHE runs off, left.
AUDIO (off left): oven door slam,sudden smoke alarm,dueling knives,one dull thud, andperhaps a hubcap spinning to a halt…
Pause.
He continues to watch Monitor, unflinching.AUDIO (off left): cooking shows and food commercials.More thuds inside cardboard box.Gurgling fatty fluids down a drain.Beat,a flush.
Suddenly SHE enters left, struggling with heavy big box… which seems to have sprung a leak.SHE rushes to exit right with box …
SHE (upon exit): Turn off …
He sits, but leans to regard stage right as SHE leaves.His face appears in profile for first time.He wears a blank stare.Pause.
He turns to face Monitor again, with back to us.
AUDIO: ball games jump-cut with websites and street views.
SHE (off): Turn off our …
AUDIO: car horn honks three quick blurts.Beat.Car alarm blares out of control.
He fumbles into pocket.Beat.He takes out keys.Beat.He turns off alarm.
AUDIO: car horn ceases.
Pause.
SHE (off): … Oven!?!
He stands, begins to turn left but again stops.He reaches into his pocket to return keysand remove cell phone.He hits speed dial.
Beat.He stands, facing Monitor, bolt upright and in command.Pause.
HE (into phone): Fire!
(simultaneously)
SHE (off): Fire!
Suddenly FIREMAN rushes in, right
with Fire Extinguisher.Fireman has no control of deviceas it swings him in wide circles …
Finally, FIREMAN spins cross stage to exit left.Pause.
AUDIO (off left): loud and long expression ofextinguisher foam… every last squirt.
HE (into phone): It’s out … Yes.
Pause.
One more squirt.
HE (into phone): Yes, extinguished!!!
He puts away phone, sits down. Exhausted.
FIREMAN exits right.
This has happened before.
Pause.
SHE enters right, carrying nothing.
Pause.
SHE (reaches for her head): Our … sunglasses?
SHE rushes off, left.
He stands up, begins to turn left but again pauses.He remains facing Monitor upstage, back to us.
PROJECTION: pace picks up, an unconnected fair-use montage of old motion pictures clips culminating in Jimmy Stewart reaching out to cop holding onto San Francisco roof before falling, Cary Grant reaching out for Eva Marie Saint holding onto Mount Rushmore … a quick flash of Vertigo …
He sits tentatively, then stands abruptly…He starts to lose balance.
AUDIO (off left): sudden rumbling of plastic,metal and wood.Drawer eventually slams shut.
SHE (screams off): Eye … Key… Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
AUDIO (off left): drawer slams again,cheap wood splinters.Pause.
SHE enters left, wearing sunglasses.
As She crosses, He again stands and begins to advancetoward Monitor upstage which begins to pulsate.
PROJECTION:“TSA travel advisory:If you see something, say something.”
Followed by these words:“Baggage Claim Closed for Repairs …Are You Ready for a New Wardrobe?!?”
As He moves forward, She crosses his path,and begins removing her blouse.
They touch ... their movements now in slow motion(to be devised):He dips under.She spins through.He ends up standing.while She spins and sits.
Back to normal pace of movement …
On his feet now, He wears sunglasses.
She sits erect and buttons up, then waits motionless.
Suddenly, He leaps up like Al St. John.
Beat.
HE: We’re late!
HE runs off, left.She shakes head before noticing Monitor.She stiffens in seat.
AUDIO: airport wildtrack replaces tv soundtrack.
PROJECTION: Monitor now displays airline Arrivals and Departures.
HE, frantic in sunglasses, enters left.He drags two large, heavy suitcases.
HE (checks cell phone): They lost our … reservation!
HE exits left, with baggage.
Pause.
AUDIO (off left): sudden flush followed bybroken glass.Pause.
Another flush.
HE enters left, crossing right.He carries nothing.She remains seated.He stops mid-stage.
HE: Where’s our … baggage claim?
Before She can answer, He suddenly recalls …
HE: Where’s … Noodles?
AUDIO (off left): dog bark.
HE: Our … Noodles!?!
HE rushes off, left.
HE (off): Noodles ... Sit!
She continues to sit.She does not speak, but rustles through purse.
AUDIO (off left): dog bark and scuffle,loud flush,rattling of pipes.Beat.Water down drain.
She closes purse, stands and turns to exit rightbut stops before taking a step.She sits down. Quickly.
HE enters right with two more rolling suitcasesand one large oddly moving package.[GAG: rig a “living” Burlap Sack]
This precarious load demands a struggle.He stops, puts down bags.She does not move to help.
HE (zips up pants): Are we Budget? …
[GAG: Burlap Sack “runs off”, right!]
HE (fully zipped) … Or Enterprise?
Suddenly realizing, HE exits right, chasing Burlap Sack.She checks under seat, clears throat and stands up.
AUDIO (off right): loud ceramic thud,metal door squeak,more flushing,door cracks open,another cloth rip.Beat.
Dog bark.
HE (off): Aaaarrrghhhh! … Noodles!!!
Pause.
HE (off): Shouldda named you Pasta!
HE enters right, holding nothing but a leash.
His pants are ripped, He disregards it.
HE (points to his head): Remember? … Our heritage?!?
He continues to cross but stops to directly confront her.
HE: Our … Pocahontas.
He removes Sierra Cup from his belt, holds it up as a sacrament.
HE: Our … John Smith!
She sits, looks under seat.Looks into purse.She shrugs.
HE (blurts): Our … Thanksgiving!
Suddenly HE turns to exit, left.
HE (hurries off): Our deep-fried turkey!
Pause.
AUDIO (off left): knives and meat,plates and forks,a big splash.Pause.A flush.
She sits, but turns to regard stage left.In profile, She wears a blank stare.Pause.
She turns back to face Monitor again, her back to us.PROJECTION: more airline Arrivals and Departures.
AUDIO (off left): car horn honks,three quick blurts.Beat.Car alarm blares out of control.
She fumbles through purse.Beat.She takes out keys.Beat.She turns off alarm.
AUDIO: car horn stops.Pause.
HE (off): Our … Oven!?!
SHE: Our … eternal flame?!
Pause.
She stands, starts to turn left but again stops.Beat.
She reaches into purse to remove cell phone.Beat.She hits speed dial.HE enters, holding phone.Pause.
SHE (into phone): Fire!
(simultaneously)
HE (into phone): Fire!
Suddenly FIREMAN rushes in, rightwith Fire Extinguisher.Fireman has no control of device
as it swings in wide circles …
Finally, FIREMAN spins cross stage to exit left.Pause.
AUDIO (off left): loud and long expression ofextinguisher foam … every last squirt.
SHE (into phone): Yes … It’s out!
Exhausted, She moves toward center left wing,holding purse.
He continues toward center right wing,holding Burlap Sack.
At edge of wings, both stop and turn to face each otherwithout actually looking at each other.Pause.
She and He run toward each otherShe looking beyond him into wingsand He looking beyond her into wings …
(In rapid succession)
HE: Martha!
Each continues to run into opposite wing
… passing the other with no notice whatsoever.
END of PLAY
He
She
Fireman/Burlap sack
PROPS:
seat
two suitcases
two roll-on suitcases
large black patent leather purse
“leaky” cardboard box
odd box
odd package
cell phones
car keys
fire extinguisher
invoice
sunglasses
dog leash
Sierra cup
rigged “living” burlap sack
ripped dress/pants
PROJECTIONS:
tv sitcoms
cooking shows
food commercials
street views
ball games
websites
Arrivals/Departures
Vertigo opener
North by Northwest
Other cliffhanger clips …
“TSA Travel Advisory:
If You See Something, SaySomething!”
“Baggage Claim Closed for Repairs
– Are We Ready for Our New Wardrobe?!?”
canned laughter
tv sitcom dialog
metallic rumbling
wood rumbling
plastic rumbling
railroad rumbling/horns
car door crack open
car door slams
person falling
cloth rip
oven door slam
smoke alarm
kitchen knives
dull thud
hubcap spinning
cardboard thud
gurgling drain
dog bark
scuffle
flush
broken glass
car horn
car alarm
speed dial
fire extinguisher foam
metal squeak
ceramic thud
drawer slam/wood splintering
airport wildtrack
tv wildtrack
toilet
knives and meat
plates and forks
sink
big splash
water down drain
rattling pipes
Apologies: Jacques Tati, Pierre Étaix, Dan Hoyle, Jeff Hoyle, Gordon Cooper and Chuck Yeager.
Tom Hanks and Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III.
* * *
CAUTION: Nothing within this one-act play may be replicated, for any reason, by any means, including any form of photographic reproduction, without expressed permission of the author.
This written work is subject to a royalty and are fully protected – in whole, in part or in any method of production – under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved by the author. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to him, contact details below.
Second Edition: February, 2022
ISBN:
Library of Congress Catalog Number:
Jobb, Jamie
“Baggage Claim” or “Late for Thanksgiving”
Contact Details regarding performance rights:
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