More Frequently Unanswered Questions

 

Lovers Rendezvous: de Young Museum, San Francisco 

(photo by the author)

More FUQ

by Jamie Jobb

This list of impossible interrogatories is an adjunct to the initial list of Frequently Unanswered Questions, first published here. These knuckleball queries erupt from a rudely-awakened phone-interrupted nap, or a tossed-night of turning: the thoughts that pop into a writer’s head upon emerging from The Deep.

Where does a rondo end?

Who buys a condo in Redondo?

Who goes to church on sabbatical? 

Who is an American sympathizer?

Who needs a retired resume salesman? 

Who are the religious left?

Who was Pontius co-pilot?

Who loves gun-slung heroes?

Who prays for thoughts?

Who plays for the wrong team?

Who plays miniature tennis?

Who wrote “I was there for me”?

Who telephones a call girl?

Who was compliant in her complaint?

Who employs petrified woodpeckers?

Who craves a boon?

Who dates a cockalorum?

Who gets baptized in jail?

Who expects a practical pleasantry?

Who impersonates an impostor?

Who pays when your lawyer has to “lawyer up”?

Who maintains the remaining repository?

Who writes a mountain of a metaphor?

Who holds the reins of Spain?

Who seeks a partial quashal?

Who recommends garlic milk?

Who drinks moon liquor?

Who was blown up while eating cheese?

Who eats silicon-carne? 

Who picks the fruits of the crime? 

Who sells dinosaur bait?

Who’d wear a flat hat?

Who has disarming armpits?

Who predicts the past?

Who is the weak, silent type?

Who was Mercenary Mary?

Who were Jim Nabors’ neighbors?

Who was Samson’s barber?

Who should know Miranda’s rights?

What insures promptness?

Who bakes a giddy biscuit?

Who grows happy food?

Who installs microwave ovens?

Who cooked Goose Gossage?

Who cooks with Reese Witherspoon?

Who corrected Rev. Spooner?

Who was the lone granger?

Who has a moment for a two-timer?

Who could surmise her demise?

Who throws southpaws?

Who flocked to Birdland?

Who sleeps in Carnegie Hall?

Where did Music Row go?

Where did Claude Rains fall in Spain?

Where do I learn wish casting?

Where do we find handy water?

Where do we grow debonair hair?

Where do I find a laptop dog?

Where’s my nearest newshood?

Where is Rhode Ireland?

Where are the barista vocalists of Singapore?

Where would I find lovers in the shrubbery?

Where would you encounter nonsense upon stilts?

Where do I get a reckless breakfast?

Where’d Abe Lincoln avoid a slung-shot?

What’s another word for vocabulary?

What's ostentatious in Austin Texas?

Are things on the up-and-up in Zihuatanejo Guerrero?

Why should it rain on Fair Isle?

Why would anyone live in Jackson Hole?

Where did Poland plant the North Pole?

Why shop at Bed, Bath and Defenestration?

Why do fainting goats have knee-jerk reactions?

Why did the cat look at the king?

How quiet are your hush puppies?

How should a muleskinner pack a burrito?

How do photojournalists cover indecent exposure?

How many gallons in a motorcade?

How slow is zen miles per hour?

How does The Pope direct mass transit?

How many bitcoins in Fort Knox?

How many notes in a virtuoso?

How many teams in The Big Ten?

How tall is Martin Short?

How true are falsettos?

How rich was Maximilian?

How handy was Rollie Fingers?

How much did it cost to build the Dollar Mansion?

How were the downtrodden uplifted?

How could you get 86ed at a salad bar?

How can they be under the guise of being guys?

How can I cross every eye and dod every tee?

Did a Methodist invent the rhythm method?

What do crows count?

What do beans count?

What did Druids draw?

What do moles smell?

What stops a robot cop?

What upsets a booby-hatch?

What harbors naval congestion?

What tans serious leather?

What motivates the speaking impaired?

What if your headquarters has hindquarters?

What do four out of five doctors recommend?

What do dummy construction companies build?

What trims hell’s whiskers?

What lovers need kid gloves?

What kid needs dampers?

Were there white supremacists on the premises?

Are Rottweilers decomposers?

Do composers make sound investments?

Do bakers practice roll play?

Do bugs have rights?

Did Wolfgang like dog parks?

Did Franz Liszt have Things-To-Do?

Who hung Mozart’s gallery?

Who sought Joseph Haydn?

What did John Sayles pitch?

What do lifeguards wear on a nude beach?

What leads to an erosion of rust?

What is reheated rice syndrome (RRS)?

What role is best for my stay-at-home starlet?

Was Noel Coward never scared?

What harbors defensive contempt?

Do gravediggers commit skulduggery?

Does Beckham get kickbacks?

Did Burt Bacharach make a comeback?

Who looks like a diet Benedict Cumberbatch?

Who sings a swan song?

Who flew Gloria Swanson?

Who walks hundreds of millimeters a day?

Who bifurcates the baby from the bathwater?

Who named her daughter Minutiae?

Does private practice make perfect?

In China, do they collect America?

Did the Brown Derby have a leaky roof?

Did the Cotton Club employ slaves?

Is the cosmos a multiverse?

Is your shrink out of my mind?

Is he a professional liar, or just massively uninformed?

Are accountants totalitarians?

Do nightingales blow in the dark?

Should starlings fear upshots?

Should a library have a substack?

Should a four-flusher use low-flow toilets?

Should a serial criminal wear a hair shirt?

Should beat officers be discharged for copulation?

Should an umpire drink highballs?

Should a horseman be on the wagon?

Should a fussbudget frequent a speakeasy?

Should a non-reader steal top-secret documents?

Should you be counterproductive in a delicatessen?

Should a doctor nurse a wound?

Could a sap make a surgeon? 

If your abs were normal, who'd be abnormal?

If you had a brother, would he like cheese?

How do you vet a veterinarian?

Who throws paper towels at Puerto Ricans?

If you trot in front of your wife’s donkey, is her ass in arrears?

Lovers Reflect: de Young Museum, San Francisco (photo by the author)