“Don’t hate the media,
Henri Freud sizes up his audience
Lights up on HENRI standing.
Tonight we take a cold, hard look at …
(points to “product” next to his head)
… dust.
Bible scholars know Genesis 3:19
says absolutely nothin’ about “ashes to ashes” ..
Although the last stanza of the Good Verse surely says
“dust … to … dust”.
Household dust is eighty percent …
(points to his hand, disgusted)
dead …
skin!
Pause.
Everywhere you go … you leave dead skin.
Just flakes off your body, drops right off.
Who eats dead skin? (to audience front row) Anybody?
… Dust mites!
Dust mites process all your exfoliatin’ DNA …
right there in place
(draws “infinity” with index finger)
along every track you lay in a lifetime.
Pause.
Dust mites consume your whole personal history …
into little bits of scat. Dung you can’t see.
Unless you’re Jorge and Martha,
Henri turns his back to audience.
Breaking News! Golden Gate Bridge Bomb!
Henri turns to face audience.
Henri begins to back slowly toward back wall.
HENRI: Don’t know where exactly they got me now.
Just know I had TWO runs-in with the law.
Pause.
I think it was the law.
Some “extraordinary ren-dition” … of the law.
Henri again backs up toward back wall.
I’m down here in what we call “The Hard Site”.
No windows. Tall walls. Very cold.
Like inside some Costco meat locker.
Except when your door opens
and the tropics blow in.
Drip …
Henri slaps wall.
It’s not the tropics …
Henri slaps wall.
It’s that dang Ranger again!
Drip …
Henri slaps wall.
I Tell myself I’ll get through this …
Drip …
Henri slaps wall.
If it’s the last thing I ever get through!
Pause.
He slowly returns to center.
I know she thinks it’s funny.
Me standing here …
no clothes
on cold concrete,
exposed and posin’ for her
with a measurin’ tape.
of all people!
(beat)
I been to Harbin Hot Springs!
A time or two …
hunnerdt..
I’m not ashamed of total absolute new-DID-it-tea!
So I tell her:
“Make it too hot.
Or too cold.
Or a little drip … drip … drip.
I can look at anybody’s body, I tell ya what!
Why don’t y’all go clothin’ optional?
She don’t like that one bit.
RANGER voice: “You got NO options with me!”
HENRI: Then she come up read close … (jumps) … and whispers in my ear ...
RANGER voice: “Is you wicked?”
Pause.
beggin’ for a fight, like that one. ‘Specially after the Guard said.
GUARD voice: “Wanna measure hot doggy for a new collar?”
HENRI: Then they got real wicked and take their wicked snapshots.
Henri poses ridiculously on the floor.
Me and a buncha other “enemy citizens” like me.
(pause, odd pose)
I ask ‘em “How can a citizen be an enemy?”
Guard answers in my face with a “military workin’ dog”.
(pause, odd pose)
Anybody watchin’ this show on a regular basis
knows I got a trick dog at home. And I’m canine loyal.
Plus … lotta kids watch this show too, so
I’m not about to say bad things about good dogs!
Henri stands up.
Let’s just say they try to do things to me
with that poor dog that ya can’t talk about on polite TV!
Besides, I know how to trick-train a dog without treats.
RANGER voice: Come on!
HENRI: Ranger takes me to a big gymnasium building.
Little dark room upstairs. For my “interview”.
One door. One light. No window.
(looks around)
All I got on is my ballcap, but …
this is what I been waitin’ for …
my interview. Finally!
Sure have a lot of gear in here … for an interview.
Don’t see one reporter’s notebook.
I ask her “Aren’t we takin’ notes?”
RANGER voice: It’s covered.
HENRI (confused): Ranger’s trying hard not to get too emotional,
I know, when she sticks some women’s … (clears throat) …
UNDERWEAR on my ballcap and says:
RANGER voice: You have access to certain … facts.
HENRI (looks up at “underwear” – blows upward): I … do … not … LEAK!
RANGER voice: You have access to certain … sources.
HENRI (still blows): Depends!
RANGER voice: What were you doin’ on the Golden Gate Bridge?
HENRI: Haulin’ manure for my Black Prince and my Big Beef … tomatoes.
HENRI: She don’t know a salad fork from a manure fork, so I ask her:
“What’s the scientific basis for your equine inquiry?”
RANGER voice: We need information outta you … right now!
HENRI: Watch my dang show, it’s full of it.
RANGER voice: We know who you know, but we gotta know what you know …
on the bridge.
HENRI: Ranger’s gold tooth kinda sparkles
every time she says the word “know”
“But I don’t know where this underwear’s been!”
Ranger grabs the underwear off my ballcap and says:
RANGER voice: “You’re not gettin’ another chance with me.”
HENRI: Women!
Pause.
Then Guard flips a switch and sparks fly between loose wires
hung next to what they call the Double Cross over by the door
“You ever been in a desire discordant relationship?”
Pause.
She don’t like that remark, whistlin’ through her gold tooth:
RANGER voice: “Shut up and talk!”
HENRI (mouths words):
{“Shut up AND talk???”}
Pause.
I tell her, real polite:
“I can’t do that … ma’am …
BOTH … at the same time.”
Henri attempts a painstaking demonstration.
HENRI (mouths words):
{“Shut up AND talk???”}
After thinkin’ about it a minute,
ranger can’t refute her own tortured logic.
So I think now’s a good time to ask her:
“When am I gonna get my exclusive interview?”
Pause.
HENRI: Then the Guard brings over The Double Cross
Big stainless steel one-piece brace.
Solid. Heavy.
Slots for straps.
Fits between your legs.
(bends into Double Cross position, maintains it)
Lash me down …
My hips, my knees, my ankles, my wrists.
Can’t stand. Can’t sit.
Can’t do nothin’!
Long pause.
LIGHTS
HENRI: … then some new boys come in …
Military Intelligence, I think.
Hard to tell: they don’t wear uniforms.
I say “Who’s that?” … Ranger says:
RANGER voice: OGA.
HENRI: OGA?
RANGER voice: Other Government Agents.
Independent freedom contractors.
… Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
HENRI: Head OGA’s tall, stout, crewcut guy.
French maybe, kinda Latin.
Dark face. Eagle eyes.
Big knife on his hip.
Ranger calls him “Chef”.
Chef comes over and says:
CHEF voice: “Let him go …”
HENRI (breaks position): Which she did …
Henri stretches, luxuriously.
I really appreciate stretchin’ out there
for about five seconds … until Chef tells ‘em:
CHEF voice: “I’ll hannle this … y’all stand down.”
HENRI: He just waves ‘em off … and they leave!
(pause)
Real peculiar: Somebody without a uniform comes up
and orders two people IN UNIFORM right off their dang posts
… just like that. Don’t make military sense.
But they follow Chef’s orders anyway.
I don’t wear a uniform either …
Should’a thought of that my own self.
(mocks Chef’s voice)
“Stand down y’all two! I’m in charge here … I’m walkin’!”
Pause.
I’m feelin’ kinda giddy, I know. Chef’s a no-nonsense guy,
but I think I’ll get my exclusive interview now!
If he’ll only let ME ask the questions.
CHEF voice: “We been tracking you six years –all across America …
ongoing National Homeland Social Security investigation
on the tourist threat to the Golden Gate Bridge.
HENRI: Ah … he IS French!
Americans don’t talk like that.
I tell him the truth:
“National Guard nabbed me in Sausalito,
front of The No Name.”
HENRI: I’m no fake impersonator!
CHEF voice: “What’s your strange relations with someone you call ‘Jello Biafra’?”
Pause.
HENRI (very upset): That FAKE … that TOURIST … Livin’ hand to mouth.
CHEF voice: “Who IS Jello Biafra? We have several leads, going nowhere.”
HENRI: She’s a dang flamin’ … bodice-rippin’ MYSTERY to me!
CHEF voice: “She? It’s a HE!”
Henri pulls photo from ballcap, hands it to someone in front row.
HENRI: Chef hands me a photo of Jello Biafra with Grateful Dead Kennedy.
Course that’s not her – that’s Eric, the impostor and his band.
I shout: “HE’s not my identity thief! SHE is!”
And then Chef says, get this, Chef says …
CHEF voice: “Don’t be confused by the gender of Jello!”
HENRI: I don’t like where this is headed
… because I know where it’s been!
Once again, I try to keep my mouth shut,
but I just can’t do it ... I blurt out:
Where’s she, now?!?
CHEF voice: “Your fingerprints are all over Jello Biafra’s bathroom!”
HENRI: She’s got strange bottles! Gycolic acid ampules!
CHEF voice: “Your fingerprints are all over the Golden Gate Bridge!”
CHEF voice: We don’t have time to beat around the Bush.
What’s happening on the bridge tonight?
Pause.
HENRI: I don’t know what the heck Chef’s talkin’ about.
But I can’t act like I’m ignorant, if he’s gonna
take me serious enough to embed me here
as an up-close-and-personal in-your-face investigatin’ journalist.
I know I’m usually the one askin’ the hardball questions!
Was Jello a spy?
Is Eric workin’ for ‘em?
Did Jello and Eric get back together?
I can’t ask him any of that direct.
I gotta be … coy.
Keep him off balance, and …
try to gain his confidence.
Finally I tell him:
“You know me, I’m on Reality TV!”
CHEF voice: “Don’t watch cable … you talked about a TARGET.”
HENRI: Wrong show! I’m on network TV – a Torture Challenge Survivor!
CHEF voice: “Don’t be coy with us – we got ya on vidyatape.
… talkin’ to someone in your cell.
We just can’t hear ‘em talkin’ to you.”
HENRI: Sho-nuff, he shows vidyatape of me
talkin’ to Jorge and Martha in my cell.
Can’t hear anybody on tape except me.
And they’re doin’ most of the talkin’.
(steps aside)
Don’t worry. Through the magic of theater,
we’ve rescribed the whole conversation
so you can hear it, while Chef can’t.
Then Chef says:
CHEF voice: “Who you talkin’ to?”
HENRI (winks to audience): “My trusty dust mites – Jorge and Martha.”
Looks like I”m talkin’ to the chair, I know.
Actually, they’re so small, they’re on the chair, there …
Henri touches “curve” of “chair”
That’s their favorite spot: one on each side …
He points to each one:
Jorge … and … Martha.
They have the best view in the whole cell.
Eagle Scout mites … mantid class.
Know everything.
Without goin’ anywhere.
He’s the straight man.
She’s the brains of the outfit.
Like George and Gracie.
JORGE voice: “Ninety-six percent of the universe is missing.”
MARTHA voice: “You could join it!”
JORGE voice: “Science has lotsa names for it.”
MARTHA voice: “Missing mass.”
JORGE voice: “Dark matter.”
MARTHA voice: “Dark energy.”
JORGE voice: “WIMPS.”
MARTHA voice: “Weekly Interacting Massive Particles.”
MARTHA voice: “We haven’t been able to get anybody interested.”
JORGE voice: “We’ve tried!”
MARTHA voice: “CBS.”
JORGE voice: “ABC.”
MARTHA voice: “Even Fox won’t bite.”
JORGE voice: “You could help us.”
MARTHA voice: “Target the top brass.”
JORGE voice: “Get the news out on your show.”
HENRI: I only report from exile!
MARTHA voice: “Ninety-six percent.”
JORGE voice: “… missing ...”
MARTHA voice: “… in plain sight.”
JORGE voice: “Easy for us to see … way up here.”
MARTHA voice: “We’re so very small.”
JORGE voice: “And it’s so very big.”
MARTHA voice: “We have HDSD.”
JORGE voice: “High Definition Smart Dust.”
MARTHA voice: “Helps us pinpoint the portals ...”
JORGE voice: “Find the gateways … “
MARTHA voice: “… into the parallel universe.”
JORGE voice: “Imagine a target, the center of a target.”
HENRI: “A target?”
MARTHA voice: “Mark the spot.”
JORGE voice: “Say the magic words.”
MARTHA voice: “Two feet, one step.”
JORGE voice: “One foot, two steps.”
MARTHA voice: “Then think about your favorite thing.”
JORGE voice: “And click your heels!”
MARTHA voice: “Your favorite thing!”
HENRI (draws it with finger): “Her Majesty, the Golden Gate Bridge.”
Henri jumps back.
HENRI: Then, Chef turns off the vidyatape … and turns up the heat on me.
CHEF voice: What they tellin’ you?
HENRI: “Ninety-six percent of the universe is missing.” … Here, look.
I say the magic words:
“Two feet, one step …
One foot, two steps.”
… then I dance the magic shuffle Jorge showed me.
Pause.
CHEF voice: “Who you know at The No Name?”
HENRI: “Ilse.” (aside) Chef’s gotta know I’m a person of consequence,
If I know the name of the No Name owner …
I could be capable of knowin’ … or doin’ … any dang thing!
CHEF voice: “No time for name droppin’
What’s your target on the Golden Gate Bridge?”
HENRI: I keep repeatin’ Jorge and Martha’s magic words ..
“Two feet, one step …
One foot, two steps.”
And I do a little tap dance.
(he tries)
No, that’s not it!
CHEF voice: “If you don’t cooperate, I’m givin’ you back to Ranger
for one last joy-ride on your favorite bridge.”
HENRI: “Two feet, one step …
One foot, two steps.”
I think of the Bridge …
(his finger draws it)
And I click my heels.
Pause.
Dang, if this time I don’t just disappear!
Vanish!
Just like that!
Into a parallel universe …
Henri stands in wonder.
Pause.
HENRI (sheepish): Except …
that … I do land … back …
in the same cell.
Just not in the same spot,
exactly!
I land back … inside Chef!
And I see myself … talking to myself.
I’m Chef and I say to myself:
(mocks CHEF voice)
“YOU are a fake impersonator
in a parallel universe.
You’re not Henri Freud!
You’re Henri Fraud!
Me … tryin’ to humiliate me, of all people?
Then, like Cher in Moonstruck, I realize
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute.”
If I’m inside his head … I can make a suggestion!
So, I tell myself:
Let your prisoner go!”
(mocks CHEF voice)
“My spy is good for you …
My spy is good for your mother …
My spy is good for everybody’s body.
Take him away!”
Then Guard comes in and takes me
back out on the Golden Gate Bridge
right out in the middle …
I can see the anemometer
twirling away. Dang, it’s windy.
He pushes me up against the guardrail,
and says:
(mocks GUARD voice)
“Talk ‘til ya drop!”
I look. It’s a long way down.
Two hundred twenty feet to serious water.
What can I do?
I’ve caught myself between the iceberg and the Titanic
here in the middle of Her Majesty.
And now I can’t seem to tell a joke from a wisecrack.
Irony certainly must be dead …
nothin’ makes sense on the news, that’s for sure.
I’m just about to say:
“I confess! I confess!
I’m Osama Hussein
… his own self!
I’m the worst Tourist alive!
The savage dictator beast
behind the tragic events of 7/11”
Henri turns back to audience.
TV ANNOUNCER voice: Bridge Threat Averted. Nut Case Cracks.”
Henri turns to face audience.
HENRI: Chef figures out what’s goin’ on,
seizes the moment,
kicks me out of his body,
looks Ranger straight in the eye and says:
CHEF voice: “There ..."
HENRI: Chef says to Guard as he heads out the door.
CHEF voice: “Give him another bad night.”
HENRI: Guard and Ranger take me back to the hole
and they do it without The Double Cross.
All night, they keep wakin’ me up.
Every time I try to get to sleep …
BAM!
They’d hit the steel door.
Then … drip, drip, drip.
Forty-five minutes later,
I’d start to drift off again,
and BAM!
They’d hit the steel door!
Then … drip, drip, drip …
all over again.
Kept goin’ on like that all night until I yell out:
“This is not my idea of sleep-sex research!!!”
Pause.
Suddenly, it smells like skunk in here!
So I yell out:
“You guys tryin’ to brainwash me,
or just give me a little light rinse …
rinse … rinse?
It’s quiet for a good bit, then
Guard opens my door and
Ranger’s got a message for me.
RANGER voice: “You have NOT been cooperatin’ here.
In fact, you’ve been a big detriment to our entire investigation.
We checked your NSA files, and
determined that you are … OFU
One Fodder Unit. And as such,
you have … no … intelligence … value.”
HENRI (devastated, mouths words):
{“No … intelligence … value!?!”}
Long pause.
Tryin’ to humiliate me, of all people.
Well, I hannled everything before … up to that point.
But then I could do nothin’ but
play possum on ‘em.
Didn’t move for ten minutes.
Medic came in to check me out, and said
MEDIC voice: “He’s dead, but he’s not movin.”
HENRI: Tryin’ to humiliate me, of all people.
Pause.
Ranger didn’t know what to do.
So, she sent me back to my own hole.
LIGHTS
HENRI: I gotta come clean on this.
That “joke” back there in the airport,
Actually I got that out of a New Yorker magazine!
Henri takes off ballcap, pulls out cartoon.
… a David Sipress’ cartoon.
Henri hands cartoon to someone in front row.
Page 14 in your Syllabus there.
Henri returns to back wall.
Now I can’t remember exactly what I’m in here for.
Been a long time, but I know … we’re back “home”.
Me and my dust mites.
Feels a lot better in here now.
Martha’s tidied up the place.
Jorge got me this great High-Definition Smart Dust,
lookin’ for the missing mass!
Dust mites have connections … They’re everywhere!
Hyper-vigilant.
Security can’t stop ‘em …
Tourists can’t touch ‘em …
Armageddon? “Bring it on!”
Don’t miss a dang thing.
Follow … every … word.
My perfect audience!
Trusty dust mites.
Or so I thought …
Henri backs up against wall.
They got audience skills … and intelligence value!
Henri holds his left ear.
Henri holds his right ear.
Henri holds both ears.
Stuck here with ‘em bickerin’ all day.
And her singin’:
Henri holds left ear, singing:
“I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind …
You could done better, but I don’t mind.
You just kinda wasted my precious time.
Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”
END of PLAY
Henri Freud hits his Google Whack
PHOTOS by Jana Rolls Russon
TAGS: Abu Ghraib, Eric Reed Boucher, Jello Biafra, No Name Bar, Golden Gate Bridge, War on Tourism, Sausalito,
APOLOGIES
George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein, Baghdad Bob, Country Joe McDonald, Bob Dylan, Stanford University School of Medicine, San Francisco Mime Troupe, Costco, Eagle Scouts, Fox Newz, David Sipress, Joseph Strauss, Ilse Stanfield, Eric Reed Boucher, Jello Biafra, The Dead Kennedys, The Grateful Dead, Genesis, Harbin Hot Springs, Other Government Agents, the Fourteenth Amendment Citizenship Clause, and “Military Working Dogs”.
THANKS
for help/inspiration in developing this script from stage to page.
Judi Jobb, Meera Chaturvedi, Charlie Varon, Evy Jean Pine, Rebecca Halas, Jennifer Proctor, Lisa Anne Manulkin, Bob Schier, Beverly Kalinin, Earthman Mur, Robin Plutchok, Lorrie Berg, Ken Berry, Ivy Millman, Itzzy Rothstein, Deborah Giattina, Holly Johnston, Stephanie Weisman, Joe Malloy, Fred Wickham, Mike Duvall, Douglas McCoy, Terry Porter, Robert Kourik, Peder Jones, Jeff Angus, Dena Zachariah, Dusty Gray Menesini, Mike Menesini, Mario Menesini, Iumi Richard Crow, Patrice Manget, Hilde Brautigam, Victor Delpine, Scott Ganas, Monica Ganas, Bill Broder, Steven Russon, Jana Rolls Russon, JoAnn Valenti, Brad Rovanpera, Ron White, Marnie White, Tracey Walker, Jackie Walker, Bruce Weidman, Deanne Weidman, Jackie Escobar, Lois Quesada, Scott Coddington, Patt Coddington, Dianne Hayashi Browning, Bob Shipman, Millie DePalllo, Mark Richardson, Brenda Richardson, Phil Frank, Marion Cunningham, Linda Hanson, Linda Allison, Bill Wells, Martha Weston, Charlene Wisman, Kate Gaines, John Gaines, Deanne Lindstrom, John Lindstrom, Mary Crummer, Arthur Crummer, Carolyn Robertson, James Robertson, Jane Chen, Brian Seff, Joshua Brody, Richard F. Thomas, the Poet Azeem.
*
copyright (c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb
all rights reserved
Caution: No part of this dramatic work may be reproduced, for any reason, by any means, including any method of photographic reproduction, without the permission of the author.
This play is fully protected in whole, in part, or in any form, under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, and is subject to a royalty.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to the author at Traveling Light Studio.
aka
“The Syllabus”
https://allergystore.com/blogs/news/having-dust-mites-does-not-mean-you-are-a-dirty-person
https://www.rd.com/article/mattress-bed-germs/
https://www.amnesty.org/download/Documents/52000/amr510132008eng.pdf
https://web.csulb.edu/~cwallis/382/readings/160/danner.html
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna6876549
https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/gulag-abu-ghraib-rod-dreher/
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2004/05/10/torture-at-abu-ghraib
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abu_Ghraib_torture_and_prisoner_abuse#War_on_Terror
https://www.directives.doe.gov/terms_definitions/other-government-agency-oga
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citizenship_Clause
https://www.consciouslifeandstyle.com/toxic-skincare-ingredients-to-avoid/
https://www.newsweek.com/golden-gate-san-francisco-isis-640726
https://www.mercurynews.com/2020/08/28/golden-gate-bridge-suicide-barrier-delays-to-cost-23m/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/kabul-airport-video-afghans-clinging-plane_n_611a6142e4b07b9118ad564d
https://www.rawstory.com/nothing-i-learned-as-a-historian-over-45-years-prepared-me-for-this-moment/
https://www.thebulwark.com/a-total-and-unmitigated-defeat/
https://www.amazon.com/Trouble-Reality-Rumination-Moral-Panic/dp/152350238X
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weakly_interacting_massive_particles
https://science.nasa.gov/astrophysics/focus-areas/what-is-dark-energy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_matter
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_energy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smartdust
https://history.nasa.gov/SP-466/ch22.htm
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/sleep-sex-unromantic-even-dangerous
https://history.williams.edu/history-majors-past/1968-david-sipress-cartoonist/
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fodder%20unit
https://www.bobdylan.com/songs/dont-think-twice-its-all-right/
https://www.symmetrymagazine.org/article/how-jwst-will-test-models-of-cold-dark-matter
Two decades after 9/11, this gets written:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/zoetillman/capitol-riot-tourists
A trio of the San Francisco Bay Area solo performers/storytellers have joined efforts to create this non-fiction "flip side" of solitary confinement:
ReplyDeletehttps://markkenward.com/fippp
Then there is this assessment from Salon:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.salon.com/2021/09/15/novelist-and-veteran-elliot-ackerman-says-biden-blew-it-in-afghanistan-was-there-another-way/