“Why do they call it rush hour
when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
My Psychic Spouse
or
Homeless House-Sitters of Sausalito
an absurd whodunnit in one act
by Jamie Jobb
All characters, stories, properties, public houses,
organizations, game shows and first responders
portrayed in this play are fictional fabrications.
No identification with actual best-sellers, non-profit groups,
bedroom communications, waterfront activities, nor singer/
songwriters – alive or deceased – should be inferred
as none was intended.
Traveling Light Studio
P.O. Box 12
Martinez, CA 94553
925 723-1782
(c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb
CHARACTERS
Winston Chambers III, aka “Winnie”, caucasian male, 71.
Barbra Chambers, aka “Bubbles”, caucasian female, 53.
Whitney Raven, aka “Brian Birdsong”, caucasian male, 33.
Patricia Raven, aka “Betsy Birdsong”, caucasian female, 29.
Mike Penn, aka “Nobody”, African-American male, 49.
Pat Teller, aka “No One”, African-American female, 29.
Extras: Silent Bartender at No Name.
Announcer (off).
Two “Bodies”: Dummy Legs and Shoes …
SETTINGS
Gate Five Docks, Sausalito – up center
Winnie’s Den, Bulkley Ave. - up right
Bubbles’ Boudoir, Bulkley Ave. - up left
No Name Bar, Bridgeway – down center
Apologies: Sally Sanford, Ilse Stanfield, Carolyn and James Robertson, Marilyn Burns, Gloria and Bill Broder, Susan and Phil Frank, Stewart Brand, Robert Gumpertz, Deepak Chopra, Jonathan Winters, Robin Williams, Peter Pan, Penn Fraser Jillette and Raymond Joseph Teller.
Scene One
AUDIO: Seagulls and traffic hum.
PROJECTION: Massive views of high-perched domestic windows.
Bridgeway traffic blends into San Francisco Bay horizon.
WINNIE in his DEN. BUBBLES in her BOUDOIR – Twilight.
Two pairs of SHOES (male and female) each attached to
one pair of “Legs” which extend briefly from each wing.
Winnie and Bubbles each stands,
holding elaborate land-line phones,
both clearly alone in their private spaces.
Winnie looks out across Bay.
Bubbles paces against her view.
BUBBLES (into phone): Two … two! (beat) I can’t say it!
WINNIE (into phone): Where did we get two ... (beat) I can’t say it either!
Bubbles “points” Phone to Body.
BUBBLES: There!
WINNIE: Two … “bodies” (beat) I said it!?!
BUBBLES: You have one.
WINNIE: YOU have the other.
BUBBLES: Two totally … too!
WINNIE: Too, also!
BUBBLES: So very true … Too!
Pause.
WINNIE: We woke up …
BUBBLES: … and found …
WINNIE: … one apiece.
BUBBLES: One for you!
WINNIE: And another … for you!
BUBBLES: One may be just fine … and dandy!
WINNIE: But two!?!
BUBBLES: Two!
WINNIE: That … just won’t do!
BUBBLES: What can we do …
WINNIE: … with two?
Pause.
BUBBLES: We saw half of this coming.
WINNIE: Fifty percent ain’t half bad!
BUBBLES: We chose to do nothing. Being ...
WINNIE (beat): … psychics!
BUBBLES: That’s what we did …
Pause.
WINNIE: We did …
BUBBLES: … nothing.
WINNIE: Foreseeing …
BUBBLES: … not one thing!
WINNIE: No thing … to do.
BUBBLES: Let it be!
WINNIE: Sort itself out.
Bubbles stops pacing, looks out at view.
Beat.
BUBBLES: But we must admit. We must!
WINNIE: Yes!!! We both foresaw it ... and did nothing.
BUBBLES: Not one thing … to forestall it.
WINNIE: Well … foresaw half of it!
BUBBLES: And forestalled the none of it.
WINNIE: Not any.
BUBBLES: Just one … solo!
WINNIE: Foreseen by both of … ourself (sic) … passively!
BUBBLES: One mind!
WINNIE: One spirit!
BUBBLES: Two houses …
WINNIE: Prime properties!
BUBBLES: Priceless purchases!
WINNIE: World-class views!
BUBBLES (looks out): We see them. (beat)
Pause.
WINNIE: When we’re here.
BUBBLES (beat): We travel so much …
Pause.
WINNIE: Never forget!
BUBBLES: One for each …
WINNIE: And …
BUBBLES: One for …
WINNIE: … all!
BUBBLES: All for one!
WINNIE (beat): Separately united …
BUBBLES: … in unison!
WINNIE: Two for one!
BOTH: … and …
BUBBLES: Two for all!
WINNIE: In … uni-
BUBBLES: -son!
Bubbles again paces.
WINNIE: Also we foresee.
BUBBLES: You mean ... “foresaw” – past tense.
WINNIE: No. We foreSEE (points to body) all is not well.
BUBBLES: Not well at all.
WINNIE: Actually … DEAD!
Bubbles stops pacing.
Long pause.
She begins pacing again, slowly.
BUBBLES: You had to say it!
WINNIE: I did … “Dead”!
BUBBLES: Four-letter word:
WINNIE: “D-E-A-D”.
BUBBLES: Also four letters:
WINNIE: “B-O-D-Y”.
Pause.
BUBBLES: “Our Bodies Ourselves”!
WINNIE: Great book!
BUBBLES: Nineteen-Seventy-One!
WINNIE: No longer with us … Our Bodies Ourselves.
Pause.
BUBBLES: Over …
WINNIE: Our …
BUBBLES: Dead …
WINNIE: Body.
Beat.
BUBBLES: Our ...
WINNIE: Self!
Pause.
BUBBLES: Here no more … deceased.
WINNIE: Not merely … departed.
BUBBLES: Stranded at the gate.
WINNIE: Lost … without a mate.
Pause.
AUDIO: Broken china.
Bubbles knocks over “something”,
bends to clean it up, still holds phone.
WINNIE: Corporeal (sic) punishment …
BUBBLES: “Bodies” … There, I said it again!!!
Pause.
BUBBLES (to herself): I can say “bodies” for cryin’ out loud ... I
write sex books!!
Pause.
WINNIE: The removal. The disposal …
BUBBLES: … of these bodies?
WINNIE: Go on ... just say it!
BUBBLES: The burial!
WINNIE: The … “interment”.
BUBBLES: It’s harder ...
WINNIE: And harder … Can you dig it?!?
BUBBLES: Twice as hard!
WINNIE: Two times twice …
BUBBLES: … as hard.
WINNIE: Like Viagra!
Bubbles composes herself.
BUBBLES: Twice as hard …
WINNIE: … with two …
BUBBLES: A pair!
WINNIE: … of them.
BUBBLES: There! We said it!
BOTH: … bodies!
WINNIE: Elephants!
BUBBLES: In the …
WINNIE: … room!
BUBBLES (beat): Rhinos …
WINNIE: … in name only.
BUBBLES: Spineless hens.
WINNIE: Boneless chickens ...
BUBBLES: ... in the room!
WINNIE: Six feet under.
BUBBLES: Twelve feet under! … For both.
Beat.
WINNIE: Buried. Can you dig it?!?
BUBBLES: Doubles down the clean up.
WINNIE: Doubles down the funereal (sic) costs.
BUBBLES: Compromises … The Crime Scene.
WINNIE: Can’t say that!
BUBBLES: “Crime”?
WINNIE: No!
BUBBLES: “Compromises”?
WINNIE: No!
BUBBLES: What’s left?
WINNIE: “Scene”!!!
BUBBLES: Don’t make a “scene”
WINNIE: … if you don’t have another one to show for it!
BUBBLES: No sir!
WINNIE: Don’t make … a mess!
BUBBLES: One “scene” begets another.
WINNIE: Beginning ... Middle ... End.
BUBBLES: Once upon a time …
WINNIE: … years pass …
BUBBLES: … then one day.
WINNIE: Amen.
BUBBLES (beat): That’s the whole story of a life, really.
WINNIE: An Arc ...
BUBBLES: … of Triumph!
WINNIE: I feel like …
BUBBLES: … I’m in Paris!
WINNIE (indicates window): We’re still in Sausalito!
BUBBLES: Home of the oh-so salty sailors!
WINNIE: Land of Enchanted Views!
BUBBLES: Got your yacht glasses?
WINNIE: Yes ...
BUBBLES: … we had to avoid Paris this year.
WINNIE: Right … twice.
BUBBLES: Too … too dangerous!
WINNIE: … another desperate destination!
BUBBLES: And Boston – too, too.
WINNIE: Right … saw it coming!
BUBBLES: And Orlando – too, too.
WINNIE: Right … saw it coming!
BUBBLES: And St. Louis – too, too.
WINNIE: Right … saw it coming!
BUBBLES: And San Bernardino – too, too.
WINNIE: Right … saw it coming!
BUBBLES: Too dangerous to travel!
Pause.
WINNIE: Nowhere to go …
BUBBLES: Covid ...
WINNIE: … and guns.
BUBBLES: … but we must Move On!
Pause.
WINNIE: Tourism is terrorism.
BUBBLES: Terrorism is tourism.
WINNIE: You just can’t …
BUBBLES: … trust anybody!
Pause.
WINNIE: Who was that masked man?
Pause.
BUBBLES: Call it what it is …
WINNIE: … A war on tourism!
BUBBLES: Call it what it is!
Pause.
WINNIE: I’ll call the house-sitters!
BUBBLES: We’ll sleep on it … then I’ll call.
WINNIE: Each in our own bed … tonight!
BUBBLES: Indeed … tonight. Not a fortnight!
WINNIE: We must remove all emotion …
BUBBLES: … from the equation.
WINNIE: Let’s just say
BUBBLES: … good night
WINNIE: … and good luck!
They hang up.
Scrim drops: sudden fog.
LIGHTS
Spots linger on shoes of the Two Bodies …
Scene Two
AUDIO: Fog horn and Mozart.
PROJECTION: “9 p.m.”
Ceiling-to-floor windows reveal fog (on scrim).
WINNIE alone in his DEN (behind scrim).
He looks downstage, out at fog.
WINNIE: On a night like this, Miles Archer got bumped off. Bush and
Stockton, San Francisco … That’s why I finally left The City. Hard to lose a partner. Harder to lose yourself with no heirs to call your own.
Winnie kicks Shoes of Body in wings.
He picks up Suitcase, tips his hat to Shoes, then “exits” …
… downstage to enter NO NAME BAR.
AUDIO: Piano lounge music.
PROJECTION: “The Bar With No Name” “We Never Close”.
Winnie sits at bar while BARTENDER listens intently.
WINNIE: I get nowhere with her … absolutely nowhere!
Bartender pours drink.
WINNIE: I swear I’m leaving … but we don’t live together! “Separate
Houses for Separate Spouses”. Her bestseller broke the bank! So how can I leave?
Bartender hands drink to Winnie.
WINNIE: I can’t take it … being apart like this!
Winnie takes drink.
WINNIE: Where is she anyway? She should be here by now.
Bartender turns to wash his hands.
AUDIO: Water runs.
WINNIE: I wash my hands of this whole … sordid affair!
Bartender turns off water.
WINNIE: It’s more money than we have.
Winnie finishes drink.
WINNIE: “You’re only as good as the night they catch you!”
– Robin Williams unquote … (to Bartender)
Tell Bubbles I’ve gone to her place.
Winnie exits with suitcase.
LIGHTS
Scene Three
AUDIO: Fog horn and Ravel.
PROJECTION: “10 p.m.”
Ceiling-to-floor windows reveal fog (on scrim).
BUBBLES alone in her BOUDOIR (behind scrim).
She looks downstage out at fog.
BUBBLES: On a night like this, I see forever – Or at least past Bridgeway …
far past The City ... Do I know the way to San Jose? (beat) All the way to Monterey, baby.(pause) I only wish we had a daughter.
Bubbles kicks Shoes of Body in wings.
She picks up Suitcase, tips her hat to Shoes, then “exits” …
… downstage to enter NO NAME BAR.
AUDIO: Piano lounge music.
PROJECTION: “The Bar With No Name” “We Never Close”.
Bubbles sits at bar while BARTENDER listens intently.
BUBBLES: I get nowhere with him … absolutely nowhere!
Bartender pours drink.
BUBBLES: I swear I’m leaving … but we don’t live together! “Separate
Houses for Separate Spouses”. My very bestseller. A cash cow now! So how can I leave?
Bartender hands drink to Bubbles.
BUBBLES: I can’t take it … being apart like this!
Bubbles takes drink.
BUBBLES: Where is he anyway? He should be here by now.
Bartender turns to wash his hands.
AUDIO: water runs.
BUBBLES: I wash my hands of this whole … ridiculous affair!
Bartender turns off water.
BUBBLES: It’s more money than we need.
Bubbles finishes drink.
BUBBLES: “You’re only as good as the night they catch you!”
Jonathan Winters, unquote … (to Bartender)
Tell Winnie I’ve gone back to my place.
Bubbles exits with suitcase.
LIGHTS
Scene Four
AUDIO: Acoustic guitar strum a la Jesse Colin Young.
PROJECTION: “Noon”
Mirrored bar with glass bottles.
NO NAME BAR. Noon.
BARTENDER behind bar.
WHITNEY and PATRICIA at table.
He interacts with laptop. She sips tea.
Backpacks at their feet.
WHITNEY: Hate this fog.
PATRICIA: You want Sonoma traffic?
WHITNEY (points at laptop): Look, she updated their schedule on Facebook.
PATRICIA (views laptop): What psychic needs Facebook???
WHITNEY (clicks pages): Or The -Gram.
PATRICIA: Why didn’t they call us?!?
WHITNEY: It’s official. They left this morning ... SFO.
PATRICIA: Thought it was tomorrow!
WHITNEY: Moved up a day, obviously …
Bartender hands coffee to Whitney.
WHITNEY: Thanks. Good thing we came to town
PATRICIA: It’s so easy for them to reschedule their life with no penalty
fees. All those frequent flyer miles … We can’t cancel airfares or reset deposits like that.
WHITNEY: Helps to be a bestselling author married to Old City Money.
PATRICIA: They know whom to call.
WHITNEY: We can’t forget … they bailed us out at Standing Rock!
Bartender hands Patricia a gayly wrapped Welcome Home Box.
PATRICIA: And, they always leave us a nice “Welcome Home” box.
WHITNEY: Treat us like the kids they never had!
PATRICIA (excited): Let’s see what they left us this time.
She opens package to find Wine Bottle.
PATRICIA: From Napa … Oakdale 2014 Cabernet – Far Niente, Estate
Bottled ... Nice. Must be worth two hundred bucks, this bottle.
WHITNEY (examines Bottle): Not quite … but quite nice!
Patricia pulls out Tickets.
PATRICIA: Subscriptions they can’t keep ... again! (reads)
Tickets to ACT РPinter. And the Opera РLa Boh̬me!
WHITNEY (takes Tickets): What else?
Patricia pulls out Bath Salts and Massage Oils.
PATRICIA: Our salts and oils, of course. And …
Patricia pulls out Bars of Chocolates, plus a handful of DVDs.
PATRICIA: Ghirardelli this time. (shuffles DVDs) Plus – Woody Allen – Ginger
and Fred – and the first three seasons of “Masters of Sex”. (beat) Bubbles, what ARE you thinking!?! (looks up) Don’t answer that!
WHITNEY (inspects “Masters of Sex”): All right!!!
Whitney also looks up, sheepishly.
Patricia pulls out Itinerary,
a Check and a House Key.
PATRICIA (reads Itinerary): So, they flew out this morning – Across the
International Dateline, get there tomorrow, India this time. Tantric seminar in Madras – that’s what she was thinking! Gone two weeks, including research. Plus lots of shopping … Love is never having to sell your sari!
WHITNEY (takes Check): Four thousand bucks!!! Why so much!?!
PATRICIA (still reads): New house plants! Both houses. Venus fly traps …
WHITNEY: Of course!
PATRICIA: They need to be fed on a daily schedule. She doesn’t want to lose ‘em.
She hands Itinerary to Whitney.
WHITNEY: Let’s go up … (checks Itinerary) Winnie’s place first.
Patricia takes Key and they exit No Name
and move upstage toward WINNIE’S DEN.
They enter and put down their backpacks.
WHITNEY: Normally they’ve been to Paris twice by now.
PATRICIA: They’ve cut way back on travel.
WHITNEY: Why?
PATRICIA: Bubbles doesn’t feel safe in this economy.
PARALLEL SCENE
in Bubbles’ Boudoir:
Bubbles and Winnie (behind scrim)
suddenly sit up in bed
WHITNEY: How do you know?
PATRICIA: She confides in me on Twitter … regarding economic issues,
foreign affairs, and other matters that matter!
WHITNEY: “Affairs”?
PATRICIA: I don’t know what else to call them. She knows a lot of
people – men, mostly. (pause) She takes lots of selfies, learns lots of tricks!
Bubbles takes “Selfie”
of Winnie and Herself in bed.
They get out of bed,
exit in rigid silence …
WHITNEY: That sounds very … suspicious.
PATRICIA: Are you suspecting ME?
WHITNEY (teases): Come to think of it – yes! I am suspecting YOU ... for not
suspecting HER! What part of “open marriage” don’t you understand?
PATRICIA: The “marriage” part!
Whitney looks off right, begins removing his clothes.
WHITNEY: Clean sheets are vigorously appreciated by me! When’s the last
time a clean bed was unmade by the both of us?
PATRICIA: Do not use your passive-aggressive tone with me, mister!
Overwhelmed as I am by passion, you know for me what a feather bed does!
Whitney hops, throws down shoe, exits right.
WHITNEY (off): Make no fun of my grammar, ma'am!
Patricia unbuttons her blouse, exits after him.
PATRICIA (off): Make no habit of my funny bones!!!
AUDIO (off): They both giggle and begin to “get frisky”.
LIGHTS
Spots on Shoes of Bodies in wings.
Scene Five
AUDIO: Foghorn and water lapping.
PROJECTION: “6 a.m.”
Fuzzy hills outlined through fog (scrim)
GATE FIVE DOCKS – Early morning.
Retired but uniformed First Responders
MIKE PENN and PAT TELLER with beers
gaze out toward bay … Pat carries clipboard
The Two Bodies remain in position at wings,
but now in different light.
PAT: Two.
MIKE: Two?
PAT: Yeah.
MIKE: Anybody claim ‘em?
PAT: No.
Pause.
MIKE: We could raffle ‘em off.
PAT: Get the universal health care they so richly deserve ...
MIKE (chuckles): … in the hereafter-life!
Pause.
PAT: What is this?
MIKE: What?
PAT: Us always joking about tragedy? (beat) Shit!
MIKE: Tragedy tickles our funny bones! Cops know that!
PAT: Your old cruelty jokes ain’t funny, Mike!
MIKE: We’re out of our depth (beat) down here in Davey Jones Locker.
Mike kicks shoe of one body.
PAT (looks at clipboard): Body Number One: Male – 71 years old. Beyond
decline. No time to lose.
MIKE: Did he have nothing left to prove?
PAT: No!
MIKE: Nothing left to gain?
PAT: No!
MIKE: Nothing left to live for?
PAT: No!
MIKE: The mind goes first.
PAT: Then the body soon forgets.
Pat gets another can of beer.
MIKE: “Lewy Body Dementia”, that’s what to call it.
PAT: I was First Responder to find Robin Williams. He had it bad ...
Body couldn’t keep up with his mind. Sometimes the body just forgets to remember.
MIKE: Talk about an out-of-your-mind experience. Who’s in control, then?
PAT: Out-of-body, out-of-mind.
MIKE: He ain’t well ... just leave it at that.
Long pause.
PAT: The brain recalls, the mind forgets.
MIKE: Every “body” forgets – eventually.
PAT: Head over heels.
MIKE: Mind over body.
PAT: Who remembers Old What’sizname anyway?
MIKE: Kick the bucket, you suddenly remember everything all at once!
Pause. Mike kicks shoe of other Body.
PAT (looks at clipboard): Body Number Two: Female – 53 years old. A
babe in her prime! No time to lose.
MIKE: Nothing left to do for somebody?
PAT: No!
MIKE: Nothing left to give?
PAT: No!
MIKE: Nothing left to write?
PAT: Yes!
Pause. Mike sips beer.
MIKE: She had everything anyone could want! What else would she need?
PAT: Everything … and nothing! She must resist temptation!
Pause.
MIKE: Why is there always one person who must resist?
PAT: A relic – a rhinoceros!
MIKE: Do we dare speak of … rhinos?
PAT: … in name only.
MIKE: Oh, no!
PAT: Ionesco!
MIKE: In past or present tense?
PAT: What if the light at the end of the tunnel is buried under the bus?
LIGHTS
linger on Shoes of Bodies in wings.
Scene Six
AUDIO: Distant foghorns.
PROJECTION: “9 a.m.”
Bay Area view – night-lit fog spray.
WHITNEY’s DEN. Evening.
PATRICIA and WHITNEY settle in.
Both wear luxurious bathrobes and strum Guitars.
PATRICIA (teasing): Plus, we have to go back to The No Name Game Show –
WHITNEY: After last year? Not goin’ back!
PATRICIA: It’s right downstairs!
WHITNEY: No way! Gimme karaoke any night!
PATRICIA: Come on, it’s fun! Everybody’s tipsy!
WHITNEY: Tough crowd, the No Name Crowd. I can’t stand the humiliation!
AUDIO: phone “Mom” ringtone.
Whitney answers his phone.
WHITNEY (into phone): Hi Ma! Yeah! We got the great views again … The
ones in Sausalito, above the bar. Yeah! … The Bar With No Name … that’s it … No … That’s the name … “The Bar With No Name” … that’s the name! … It DOES have a name … they just don’t have it posted anywhere. We talked about this … it’s a typographical pun ... Hey, I’m cooking, talk to Patricia.
Whitney shrugs and hands Patricia phone.
He puts down his Guitar, but does not cook.
PATRICIA (into phone) Hi Ma! Yeah! … We got the great views again … The
ones in Sausalito, above the bar. Yeah! … The No Name Bar … that’s it … No … That’s the name … Listen, this is one of our favorites. It’s why we love house-sitting so much … gives us the freedom to move every fortnight … FORT … No! … forget the Civil War … I mean every two weeks! Yeah ... It makes not owning a house worthwhile … hang on (to Whitney) … She forgot to tell you something …
Patricia hands phone back to Whitney whose eyes say “Oy vey!”
WHITNEY (takes phone): Hi Ma! Yeah! … We got the great view again. Yeah ...
We see San Francisco ... And Oakland … And Berkeley … Yeah ... Alcatraz. Yeah … the ships ... the sailboats! Ma, Ma … What did you forget to tell me? … What? … You forgot? … (hands phone to Patricia) … She forgot!
PATRICIA (takes phone): Was it your pills? Did you forget to take your pills?
Whitney wanders stage right.
PATRICIA: Look at the box! It’s Monday! (to Whitney) … Is it Monday?
Whitney suddenly jumps back.
WHITNEY (to Patricia): Hang up! We got a problem.
Whitney points to Body half off, stage right.
PATRICIA: Ma – we’ll call you back! (hangs up, to Whitney) … What!?!
Whitney kicks Foot of Body.
WHITNEY: Who … is … THIS?
Patricia goes to look, pulls back in shock.
She still holds her Guitar.
Pause.
PATRICIA: There’s nothing in the box about any … dead … BODY!!!
Pause.
WHITNEY: We are NOT ... the suspicious kind.
PATRICIA: But it looks like …
WHITNEY: We have to suspect …
PATRICIA: some …
WHITNEY: … thing!
PATRICIA: Some – one.
WHITNEY: Or two?
PATRICIA: Certainly is …
WHITNEY: … suspicious.
PATRICIA: The actual circumstance of it.
WHITNEY: A dead body is always suspicious!
PATRICIA: Can’t speak for itself!
WHITNEY: No way!
PATRICIA: Too tight lipped!
WHITNEY: Huh!?! (examines Body) IT … self?
Pause.
PATRICIA: Man or female?
WHITNEY: Man’s shoes …
PATRICIA: Must be a male then!
Patricia moves closer to Body, puts down her Guitar.
She reaches for Foot of Body
WHITNEY: Don’t touch it!
Long pause.
Patricia shuffles her feet.
PATRICIA: Are we … “suspects”?!?
Each looks to opposite wing.
They slowly turn toward each other.
Long pause.
WHITNEY: We need a cop!
PATRICIA: No!
WHITNEY: No?
PATRICIA: We need a private eye! (beat) A very, very private … eye!
WHITNEY: Someone who can save us!
PATRICIA: Not arrest us!
WHITNEY: That’s mighty “white” of you to say that at a time like this.
Pause.
PATRICIA: What’s it mean, exactly – “mighty white of you”? They said that
a lot in the old movies.
WHITNEY: We grew up in Marin! We’re people of NO color. It’s always
“mighty white” of us to do anything!
LIGHTS
Scene Seven
AUDIO: Strange electronic music.
PROJECTION: “2 a.m.”
Thick roiling fog (scrim).
BUBBLES and WINNIE in odd light.
Same Evening.
Both hold cellphones.
Both face downstage through scrim.
They remain in place, motionless while speaking.
WINNIE: Where are we?
BUBBLES: I don’t know.
WINNIE: I lost my phone!
BUBBLES: Me too!
WINNIE: We’re psychic ...
BUBBLES: … We know!
WINNIE: Who needs phones when you’re …
BUBBLES: … physic and can …
WINNIE: … finish one …
BUBBLES: … another’s …
Pause. They don’t finish the sentence.
BUBBLES: We have to trust …
WINNIE: … our communal spirit.
BUBBLES: We have to trust …
WINNIE: … our native tongue.
BUBBLES: We have to trust …
WINNIE: … our gut.
BUBBLES: We have to trust …
WINNIE: … everything that entrails! (sic)
Pause.
BUBBLES: You’re gross!
WINNIE: Our back channel ...
BUBBLES: … your bottom line.
WINNIE (beat): We know what we mean!
BUBBLES: Even when we don’t mean it!
WINNIE: I’m getting postcards from Purgatory.
BUBBLES: When in Romania, do as the Romanians do!
Pause.
WINNIE: I know what …
BUBBLES: … we mean.
WINNIE: “I don’t wanna wake up! I don’t wanna wake up!” Unquote.
BUBBLES: “Grow up”!
WINNIE: What?
BUBBLES: “I don’t wanna GROW up” … Peter Pan! Unquote.
Pause.
WINNIE: I am NOT Peter Pan!
BUBBLES: Indeed!
WINNIE: My sediments exactly.
BUBBLES: An entire life – toiling at the grindstone!
WINNIE: Easy for you to say.
BUBBLES: You don’t know The Grind.
WINNIE: You don’t work!
BUBBLES: Writing is working – it just doesn’t show on the hands (looks at hers).
WINNIE: Nothing shows when you work on line.
BUBBLES: I work my fingernails to the bone, blogging. Look.
Bubbles thrusts out both hands for inspection.
WINNIE: Control yourself … that goes for me too!
BUBBLES: We don’t want you getting all horny (beat) like a rhinoceros.
WINNIE: No! We don’t wanna end up a spineless rhino!
BUBBLES: Remember Rio! The Olympics.
WINNIE: No need to swim foul waters.
BUBBLES: Not at a time like this!
WINNIE: One body each to disappear.
Pause.
BUBBLES: We’re alone now.
WINNIE: What are we saying?
BUBBLES: We have no horns.
WINNIE: Do we know what we’re talking about?
BUBBLES: Our skin’s too soft!
WINNIE: We want to change, but we can’t.
BUBBLES: Right! We’ll never join them.
WINNIE: People who covet their individuality always meet a bad end.
BUBBLES: We’ll never give in!
WINNIE: But we know rhinos are stronger than us?
BUBBLES: We have run out of arguments!
WINNIE: Case closed.
Pause.
Bubbles picks up Fed Ex Box, opens it as
she moves toward Venus Fly Trap.
BUBBLES: Audrey, are you ready for dinner?
WINNIE: How can you feed a Fly Trap at a time like this?
BUBBLES: Time like what!?!
WINNIE: One body each. Only one body each!
BUBBLES: Can’t let that go, can you?!?
WINNIE: One is not enough!
BUBBLES: Sometimes we feed our plants!
WINNIE: Sometimes we plant our feed!
BUBBLES: That’s all there is to it!
WINNIE: That’s all we got left!
BUBBLES: One body each. And a Venus Fly Trap!
WINNIE: How well can we know ourself, before we exit?
Bubbles continues feeding her Venus Fly Trap.
LIGHTS
Separate spots on wings
where bodies were once located.
Now they are gone.
Scene Eight
AUDIO: distant loud metal clank, fog horn.
PROJECTION: “5 a.m.”
Heavy-duty boat yard.
GATE FIVE DOCKS. Near dawn.
MIKE and PAT each stares into opposing wing.
Each looks at the place where a body had been.
PAT: Where’d they go?
MIKE: Both … bodies?
PAT: Yes!
MIKE: They’re nowhere to be found here … at Gate Five.
PAT: Quite obviously ... most evidently!
MIKE: Not here ... at all.
PAT: And just where else are they not … located at?
MIKE: Quite everywhere … they ain’t.
PAT: Now we’re NOT getting somewhere!
Pause.
MIKE: Heaven help us! I’m having my Senior Moment!
PAT: Excuse me?
MIKE: I’m sure it ain’t Alzheimer’s. I could feel that!
PAT: Maybe a Freshman Moment?
MIKE: Egg on my face, lipstick on my collar … something like that.
PAT: I don’t recall. Maybe deja vu, or vu jade?
MIKE: When in New Orleans, we say “True ‘dat”.
PAT: Nothing’s truer than forgetting.
MIKE: We must forget most everything ... In the end.
Pause.
MIKE: Remember Katrina?
PAT: Katrina remembers Big Easy.
MIKE: New Orleans Matters!
PAT: One Dead in Attic.
MIKE: The roof over your head becomes a tomb. Your doom!
Pause.
PAT: Two bodies, one Second Line!
MIKE: They put the fun back in funeral!
PAT: Who are they?
MIKE: You mean “were” – “they”?
PAT: Yes, who “were” they? In the most recent past tense.
MIKE: They ain’t sayin’. Nobodies, the two bodies.
PAT: They Won’t Say. Or they CAN’T Say?
MIKE: Too dead to speak on their own behalf.
PAT: Dead to the world.
MIKE: The Silent Type.
PAT: Before The Talkies.
MIKE: Indeed.
PAT: Piano soundtracks.
MIKE: Undoubtedly.
PAT: Celebrities in their day – Not now.
MIKE: Now they’re Total Unknowns. Lost among The Disappeared!
PAT: The Nameless.
MIKE: Last stop after “The Homeless”.
PAT: Lost among vagabonds … gypsies … bums.
Pause.
PAT: No bodies … no crime! (beat) Know what I’m sayin’?
MIKE: She was a celebrity, quite famous. She can’t just disappear!?
PAT: Maybe someone claimed ‘em both?
MIKE: Came and picked ‘em up?
PAT: Took ‘em off our hands.
MIKE: No mess.
PAT: No fuss.
Pause.
Mike and Pat wipe their hands.
Pause.
MIKE: They were starting to stink – actually.
PAT: People do. Eventually.
Pause.
MIKE: Like pig slop.
PAT: Have to hide ‘em from the sharks …
AUDIO: sudden alarm.
MIKE: … and all the other ships at sea.
LIGHTS
Separate spots remain
where bodies once were located.
BLACKOUT
Scene Nine
AUDIO: loud big bell.
PROJECTION: “6 a.m.”
Fog still rolling in.
GATE FIVE DOCKS. Early morning.
WINNIE and BUBBLES both dressed in bathrobes,
each floats slowly toward the other from opposing wings.
As they pass each other, they speak.
WINNIE: “Laughing Wild Amid Severest Woe” unquote. We extinguish all memories!
BUBBLES: We’ll see about that … moody madness!
WINNIE: Did you remember to …
Long pause.
BUBBLES: Remember to what!?!
Pause.
WINNIE: I forgot!
Pause.
BUBBLES: No more … things to do!
WINNIE: No more … lists.
BUBBLES: No more time …
WINNIE: … to forget.
PROJECTION: A slow boat – tall mast, no sails – floats by.
AUDIO: Foggy bell, three rings.
BLACKOUT
Scene Ten
AUDIO: Loud game-show jingle.
PROJECTION: “9 p.m.”
Sudden flashing lights in “studio”.
NO NAME BAR. That evening.
WHITNEY and PATRICIA stand
with PAT and MIKE as Game Show Hosts.
ANNOUNCER (off): And now, live … from the Bar with No Name … The No Name
Game Show! With our hosts Mike Penn and Pat Teller. Here they are to introduce tonight’s contestants!
AUDIO: thunderous canned applause.
MIKE: Hello, I’m Nobody.
PAT: And I’m his brother ... No One.
MIKE: We’re first responders Pat and Mike in real life.
PAT: And anonymous game show hosts here at night.
MIKE: Thanks again, No Name Bar for hosting this weekly podcast!
AUDIO: wild cheering.
PAT: Now we’d like to introduce the players for tonight’s Contest of Wills:
MIKE: Home-grown Marin County talent!
PAT: The Birdsongs – Brian and Betsy! From Mill Valley.
AUDIO: clip from Birdsong tune: “Happy and Grumpy”
PROJECTION: sloppy children’s animation clips.
MIKE: Don’t you have a big Sweetwater gig tonight, after our show?
WHITNEY: Yes Mike, it’s our annual Homeless House-Sitters benefit. We’re a non-
profit, so the whole thing’s a tax deduction for the entire family.
PATRICIA: And Sweetwater is chipping in as co-sponsor this year.
WHITNEY: Yes. They’ll match every donation we get tonight!
PAT: You’re both house-sitters, correct?
PATRICIA: That’s right. It’s our stated profession.
WHITNEY: Intentionally house-sitters. Nothing eats more energy
than a house! After your car, a house is our worst climate criminal – a CO2 nightmare!
MIKE: What’s the strangest thing any homeowner left you to care for?
PATRICIA: Well, right now we’re on a special contract for two weeks: feeding
a Venus Fly Trap every day with insects imported from Shanghai. First time we’ve had that assignment!
PAT: What “imported” insects do you feed it?
WHITNEY: Crickets, beetles, grasshoppers, spiders, millipedes, sow-bugs,
earwigs …Fed-Ex delivers every morning and the kids know it’s feeding time! They open up when the truck pulls up on Bridgeway! That’s probably the strangest one I can think of because we’re doing it this week for Bubbles.
MIKE: As we know, Barbra Chambers – or “Bubbles” as everyone knew her.
PATRICIA (shocked): “KNEW her”?
WHITNEY (grabs Patricia’s arm): What?
MIKE: She was that beloved bestselling author of the megahit “Separate
Houses for Separate Spouses – A Couples Guide to Wide Open Marriage.” You’re house-sitting both houses!
WHITNEY (confused): Yes, but we’re not separated!
PATRICIA (upset): We’ve got a closed marriage!
WHITNEY (aside, to Patricia): I told you not to come here!
PAT: We searched several days for you both.
MIKE: Your stage names threw us off.
PATRICIA: Marin knows us as “The Birdsongs”!
PAT: With no kids in school, we’d never heard of you!
MIKE: We didn’t know where to look until you showed up here.
Mike hands Pat envelope full of documents.
PAT: Here’s the relevant legal paperwork for tonight’s Contest of Wills! But
before we reveal the contents of the wills, you need to answer a few questions to assure us that you are indeed the people we think you are, and thus worthy of this fabulous Grand Prize!…Open it!
Patricia opens envelope, thumbs through documents.
PATRICIA (shuffles papers): I don’t understand!?!
PROJECTION: publicity head shots of Bubbles and Winnie.
MIKE: Simple summary: Your benefactors – Winston and Barbra Chambers –
were killed yesterday in Madras India. A bloody Bollywood carnage – but a pure accident, a wildfire that started on a movie set after botched pyrotechnics.
PATRICIA: That’s ridiculous … she’s a water sign!
MIKE: They have no heirs. You’re the only people they actually knew – other
than agents, clients, media types and people trying to pry money out of them. So Bubbles and Winnie gave their entire estate to you, dba The Birdsongs.
PAT: They were psychic in the worse way – they foresaw their own passing. They
had no friends nor family. They took care of all the necessary paperwork and made sure you were well protected before they left on their fated final trip of a lifetime.
MIKE: They needed two houses ... for sanity sake. Two psychic spouses in
the same house – how could you control the psychic feedback?
PAT: Makes my ears ring, just thinking about it!
AUDIO: game show music.
Patricia is now quite confused.
MIKE: Answer our questions correctly tonight, and you’ll inherit both
their houses – the famous “Two Houses for Separate Spouses”! One for each of you on their fabulous ten-acre hilltop site. Total worth of the property: One-Hundred Million dollars. Along with Winnie’s ongoing book and tour royalties, that’s a lot of private property to possess!
Whitney and Patricia look at each other quizzically.
PAT: So, first question on our Quiz: Why do you NOT own – or rent – your
own house?
Pause.
WHITNEY: We don’t really need to ...
PATRICIA: We don’t WANT to!
WHITNEY: We love house-sitting, and backpacking.
PATRICIA: It seemed a natural fit.
WHITNEY: We’ve never really actually lived in our own house, other
than what we grew up in.
PATRICIA: And we didn’t want to burden our folks by living with them ...
WHITNEY: … so house-sitting got us out-of-the-house so to speak!
PARALLEL SCENE (behind scrim):
Winnie and Bubbles Odd LIGHT
of frozen crucifix
in matching bathrobes.
PATRICIA: Besides we never knew Winnie and Bubbles … never actually met them.
WHITNEY: We just answered an ad, in The Pacific Sun, and
talked to their agents. We don’t ever see them. Not once!
PATRICIA: We just get this box of treats and house-sitting instructions
every time we housesit.
WHITNEY: We couldn’t actually identify any bodies because we don’t know
what they look like, except for the pictures you just showed us.
MIKE: They’re famous!
PAT: Everybody knows them.
PATRICIA: We can’t take their property.
WHITNEY: It wouldn’t be right!
Pause.
PATRICIA: What’d we do with TWO houses anyway?
WHITNEY: We’ve never had ONE!
Pause.
PATRICIA: We’d have to get … house-sitters!!!
WHITNEY: Our organization isn’t big enough.
PATRICIA: Plus, we’re non-profit! There’s no budget to maintain two grand
palaces overlooking San Francisco!
WHITNEY: Yeah – it would totally violate our ethics!
Patricia hands paperwork back to Pat.
Pause.
PATRICIA: So you can just keep it all.
Pat and Mike freeze in place.
PATRICIA (to us): Besides we don’t know any good handy men who work on
hundred-million-dollar properties.
WHITNEY (beat): Now, if you don’t mind … I’ve got to feed Audrey and the kids!
PATRICIA: Then we gotta get to the airport!
TOGETHER: Nepal calls!
The Birdsongs exit.
END of PLAY
CHARACTER BIOS
Winston Chambers III, aka “Winnie” - 71 - Old San Francisco money, cousin of Nikola Tesla. Made fortune as only Kirlian photographer on West Coast. Still considered a shaman, Winnie has early onset Alzheimer’s or Lewy Body Dementia.
Barbra Chambers, aka “Bubbles” - 53 - Winnie’s wife and best-selling author of self-help sex books and blog, accustomed the lifestyle to which they have become attached. Her biological clock stopped long ago, but that’s no concern of hers.
Whitney Raven, aka “Brian Birdsong” - 33 - brains behind a well-known folk duo “The Birdsongs” who frequently perform school benefit gigs throughout Marin County. Grew up in Mill Valley, avid backpacker and founder of Homeless House-Sitters of Sausalito – a non-profit aimed at connecting Marin residents willing to pay for reliable bonded vacation security at home.
Patricia Raven, aka “Betsy Birdsong” - 29 - other half of The Birdsongs. Grew up in Fairfax in communal household outside town. Professional gardener, vigorous blogger, amateur sleuth, Mills College graduate, bike trails enthusiast.
Mike Penn – 49 - former Marin County Sheriff’s deputy, retired at Gate Five. Grew up in San Rafael. Hangs out at the No Name Bar, likes being anonymous. Works, when he can, as a reality tv producer.
Pat Teller – 29 - undercover SFPD cop now on disability at Gate Five. She also hangs out at No Name. Among first responders to find Robin Williams when he died.
EXTRAS: Silent Bartender at No Name. Announcer (off).
Two Bodies could well be dummy Legs and Shoes …
copyright (c) 2021by Jamie Jobb - all rights reserved
CAUTION: Nothing within these twin one-act plays may be replicated, for any reason, by any means, including any form of photographic reproduction, without expressed permission of the author.
These written works are subject to a royalty and are fully protected – in whole, in part or in any method of production – under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved by the author. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to him, contact details below.
First Edition: January, 2021
ISBN:
Library of Congress Catalog Number:
Jobb, Jamie
“My Staged House” or “Broken Homemakers of Strawberry Point”
“My Psychic Spouse” or “Homeless House-Sitters of Sausalito”
Contact Details regarding performance rights:
Jamie Jobb
Traveling Light Studio
Post Office Box 12
Martinez Ca 94553-0001
925 723-1782
