Vesuvio Cafe and City Lights Books at Jack Kerouac Alley
North Bitch
or
The Sheets of San Francisco
an unrequited love affair of sex, dogs and B-roll
by Jamie Jobb
CHARACTERS:
Slim Shade, caucasian male, 26.
Lolita Wonderly, African-American female, “21”.
Madeline Baker, caucasian female, 45.
Carlotta Parker, African-American female, 48.
“Radar”, Carlotta’s invisible female K-9 unit partner, 3.
Adolph Bittner, male self-hating-Jew, 64.
Donald de Ponce, Hispanic male, 65.
The Voice of Dick Piston, radio sex counselor, 69.
LOCATIONS:
The Green Hotel, 940 Sutter Street.
Ritz Carlton Club, 690 Market Street.
Stockton Street Tunnel, at Bush Street.
Fort Point, Marine Drive and Long Avenue.
Vesuvio Cafe, 255 Columbus Avenue.
City Lights Books, 261 Columbus Avenue.
Brocklebank Apartments, 1000 Mason Street.
Mission Dolores Cemetery, 320 Dolores Street.
Legion of Honor, 100 Thirty-Fourth Avenue.
Apologies: David Lean, Jack Kerouac, Kim Novak, Jimmy Stewart, Kim Novak, Alfred Hitchcock, Dashiell Hammett, David Talbot, Herb Caen, Scott Beach, Ernie Carlesso, Carol Doda, Armistead Maupin, Miles Archer, Mary Astor, Humphrey Bogart, Allen Ginsburg, Dean Moriarty, Sal Paradise, Old Bull Lee, Jim Bob Moffett, Emperor Norton, Vivian Moore Hallinan, Joseph Strauss, Garry Shandling, Isadora Alman, Halyna Hutchins, Andy Lipkis, Stephen Stills, Bill Graham, Marshall Bruce Mathers III, Shawn O’Shaughnessy, Lawrence Ferlinghetti and Shig Murao.
Written for Randall Nott, rest his soul.
Scene One
THE GREEN HOTEL, 940 Sutter Street.A winter morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Rain and crackling neon sign.PROJECTION: Green neon blink consumes the room.The words “A WINTER MORNING, NOT LONG AGO”fade in, then fade out.LOLITA and SLIM wake up after their first night in bed.They sip coffee together, still under sheets.
LOLITA: So you know him pretty well, our new director?
SLIM: Yeah … “Lean David”.
LOLITA: How well?
SLIM: Graduated high school with that ole bean-pole.
LOLITA: Tam High?
SLIM: We ran film club with a couple other guys.
LOLITA: George and Francis?
SLIM: They didn’t go to Tam.
LOLITA: It’s not easy being Outliers (beat) … in Marin.
Pause.
SLIM: David read how Errol Morris majored in movies at the Film Archive.
LOLITA: Berkeley – really? That’s not Marin!
SLIM: David Lean Marx was a big-shot Bear – student government, Sigma Nu.
LOLITA: Must know everybody. When you gonna introduce me to him, Slim?
SLIM (thumps her nose): Hey Miss Lolita … we only met on set today!
LOLITA: So?
SLIM: You gonna text, chill and ghost me after just one night?
LOLITA: Not really.
Pause.
Lolita pulls away from him.
SLIM: Stick with me girl, we’ll go places.
LOLITA (beat): Locations … locations … locations ...
SLIM: You bet.
LOLITA: That’s not what I’m after. I’m developing my own scripts.
SLIM: Who isn’t?
Lolita nuzzles close to him.
Pause.
LOLITA: Don’t you wanna get ahead in the industry?
SLIM: I got ahead.
LOLITA: Come on! We’re both “below-the-line”.
SLIM: Like I say: “From here on, it’s all sex, drugs and b-roll.”
LOLITA (blurts): You’re crew!
Pause.
SLIM (miffed): Ain’t easy to go from grip to gaffer in two years.
LOLITA: Yeah (beat) you did all that.
SLIM: That’s rapid promotion for IATSE.
LOLITA: No big deal down south, dude.
Pause.
Slim stands proud, moves in.
SLIM: Hell, read my t-shirt. (he shows it).
PROJECTION: “I survived a shoot at Bonanza Ranch.”
Lolita punches his cheek.
Slim pulls back.
SLIM: Hard to grow-your-name here.
LOLITA: Don’t you ever wanna do more than crew?
SLIM: I’m certified gaffer/colorist. Very good at what I do.
LOLITA: No doubt.
SLIM: Anybody who counts around here knows that.
LOLITA: And that’s how it is when you live hand-to-mouth, below-the-line.
SLIM: Hell, you’re a production assistant!
Pause.
LOLITA: What about acting?
SLIM: Not my bag of tea.
LOLITA: Don’t you ever wanna try?
SLIM: Hate actors. Not my type of people.
LOLITA: That’s strange. (beat) You light ‘em, but you don’t like ‘em?
Lolita nuzzles in to bite his ear.
LOLITA (beat): Do you know any actors, personally?
SLIM: I know That Look (poses awkwardly) … Just ain’t me!
Pause.
LOLITA: What about producing, directing?
SLIM: Who needs those headaches?
LOLITA (beat): Guy who signs the checks, gives folks top billing ...
SLIM: Screw celebrity.
LOLITA: Is that a healthy attitude for show biz?
SLIM: Bob Dylan said “Funny thing about fame, nobody believes it’s you.”
LOLITA: That’s HIS story.
SLIM: Where I sit … it’s way too dizzy at the top.
LOLITA (beat): Vertigo!
Lolita spins her index finger into an ever-tightening spiral.Long pause.Slim regards her with an odd grin.
SLIM (astonished): Go on … YOU know Hitchcock?
LOLITA: Who DOESN’T know Arnold Hitchcock?
Pause.
Slim does not correct her.
SLIM (bumbles): I just thought you were a little young for The Classics?
LOLITA: Who doesn’t know The Master of Suspense?
SLIM: Hitchcock knew how to handle fame … one cameo at a time.
LOLITA: He also knew how to handle the frame, right?
SLIM: Storyboarded every single one.
Pause.
Lolita looks around.
LOLITA: I know why you picked this room! It’s oh-so obvious.
SLIM: We shot green-screen all day.
LOLITA: No … The Empire Hotel!
PROJECTION: Flash Frame of “Green Judy”
from Empire Hotel scene, Hitchcock’s “Vertigo”.
SLIM (beat): Didn’t think of that!
LOLITA: Of course you did, you horny toad!
SLIM (truly bewildered): Seriously, I didn’t.
LOLITA: What goes around, comes right back around …
Lolita suddenly grabs his neck and
pulls him under sheets.
SLIM (under clovers): Hey, careful!
LOLITA (under clovers): I’ll make you famous yet, Slim Shade.
SLIM (under clovers): Ouch!
PROJECTION: Hitchcock’s Vertigo spin.Pause.AUDIO: A single gunshot.The room’s LIGHT pulses.Slim gets up and reaches for his abdomen.He is not bleeding.
SLIM (searches his belly): I dreamed I got fatally shot by a cop.
LOLITA (pops out of sheets): How’d THAT happen?
SLIM: I don’t know. It seemed so … OUTSIDE myself.
LOLITA (beat): Don’t you LIKE cops?
SLIM: Yeah … I’ve had many service calls with cops at work.
LOLITA: Cops are vital public servants, you say.
SLIM: No civilization without ‘em …
Pause.
SLIM: That’s why it hurt so much.
LOLITA: You actually FELT it? In the dream. The Shot? Dying?
SLIM: It’s so strange. I was outside myself, (looks down) but bleeding inside.
LOLITA: Yang and Yin.
Slim gets back in bed.
Pause.
SLIM (beat): We had three prop guns on set today. Maybe that triggered it?
LOLITA: What did Hamlet call Death?
SLIM: Don’t remember.
LOLITA: “The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to” …
SLIM: Wasn’t that Hitchcock?
Pause.
LOLITA: I thought David restricted firearms on set. Non-violence and all?
SLIM: Normally, yeah. He was pretty strict about showing guns on screen.
LOLITA: What changed his mind – Brandon Lee, Alec Baldwin?
SLIM: All that, and (beat) … too many school shootings.
Pause.
LOLITA: Does he have kids?
SLIM: No … he’s not married any more. Divorced before he had any.
LOLITA: So he raises ethics … instead of kids?
SLIM (puzzled): Something like that.
LOLITA: Who wants kids in a climate gone haywire?
SLIM: Who wants kids when they only disappoint you?
AUDIO: Winter rain increases.
LOLITA: Nobody wants kids on set plinking guns.
SLIM: You saw that too?
LOLITA: Yea, almost killed Luke!
SLIM: Non-union idiots!
LOLITA: Watch it. You could be talking about yourself, Slim Scab.
Pause.
Slim ignores her comment and stretches.
SLIM (pulling covers): Come on … I wanna get back to sleep.
Lolita grabs his neck and pulls him under the sheets.
LOLITA (under clovers): I’m too cold to sleep!
SLIM (under clovers): OK … Start Me Up!
BLACKOUT
AUDIO: Radio jingle. Telephone voices.
DICK PISTON (voice over): Welcome back! You’re “In Bed With Dick”.
ANOTHER VOICE OVER: Hi Dick!
DICK (v/o): Who’s this?
ANOTHER (v/o): It’s Mary Ellen from Menlo Park.
DICK (v/o): What’s your question, this fine morning?
ANOTHER (v/o): My husband is afraid to look at me … down there.
DICK (v/o): Yes, and …
ANOTHER (v/o): What should I do?
DICK (v/o): Turn on the lights!
AUDIO: Radio jingle.
LIGHTS
Scene Two
RITZ CARLTON CLUB, 690 Market Street.That same winter morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Rain and occasional knock from an ice machine.PROJECTION: Ornate velvet boudoir under arched windows.MADELINE and CARLOTTA wake up after their first night in bed.Still under the sheets, Madeline smokes a cigarette.
MADELINE: I don’t wanna ride shotgun on her corruption committee.
Pause.
CARLOTTA (squints): What the hell are you talking about?
MADELINE: Officers Association committee – I don’t wanna be vice chair.
CARLOTTA: It’s only for a year. Just union work.
MADELINE: I’m new to town, I don’t know anybody.
CARLOTTA: That’s exactly why they picked you. (beat) You’re uncontaminated.
MADELINE: I won’t know what to do. Especially in tight situations.
CARLOTTA: Forget it. It’s not serious, not like Internal Affairs.
Pause.
MADELINE: I once went round-and-round with a cop named Carousel Rogers.
CARLOTTA (beat): What’s your point, Madeline?
MADELINE: I get dizzy, Carlotta. (beat) I didn’t know what to do.
CARLOTTA (opens her arms): Can’t we just enjoy the sex tonight?
MADELINE (slumps): Yeah … but.
CARLOTTA: What?
MADELINE: It’s our first time together!
CARLOTTA: So what?
MADELINE: I don’t wanna bite more than I chew ... first time.
Pause.
Carlotta sits up.
CARLOTTA: Good God … you’re so picky!
MADELINE: Hey, real life’s an acquired taste – you knew that when you met me.
CARLOTTA (beat): You know what cops say: “Once a dick, always a dick.”
MADELINE: Don’t go exposing my alter-ego.
CARLOTTA: OK, Dick Piston! (beat) “In Bed With Dick” unquote.
MADELINE: You rat!
CARLOTTA (beat): How do you make your voice go so low on the radio?
MADELINE: I’m not telling.
CARLOTTA (whispers): Your little secret’s safe with me.
Pause.
MADELINE: Maybe someday you’ll hang the uniform and join me inside.
CARLOTTA: What? Sit behind your big desk all day?
MADELINE: I get out plenty.
CARLOTTA: I like the beat of the street! I ain’t no private eye!
MADELINE: I’m an inspector, not a “private eye”.
CARLOTTA: … I meet people, all the time.
MADELINE: Me too.
CARLOTTA: Yeah, but …
MADELINE: What?
CARLOTTA: By then, they’re the suspect. They can’t trust you.
MADELINE: Come on!
Carlotta hits a nerve, and she knows it.
Pause.
MADELINE: You didn’t have to say that.
CARLOTTA (ironically): I don’t mean to be cruel.
MADELINE: But you were …
CARLOTTA: Sorry.
Pause.
MADELINE: You said the only way for you to stay out of jail was to become a cop.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: And you said What’s Love Got To Do With It?
MADELINE (fist pump): Nothing beats a cruel cop.
CARLOTTA (without irony): Black lives matter, baby.
Pause.
MADELINE: You know that night I was at Stephen Stills’ house ...
CARLOTTA: Coldwater Canyon?
MADELINE: Yeah ... the night they wrote “Love the One You’re With”.
CARLOTTA: Wild night?
MADELINE: You bet. I was staying at Tree People. We walked down.
Pause.
Madeline regards Carlotta eye-to-eye.
MADELINE: You know, we couldn’t be together like this on any other police force.
CARLOTTA: Only one Baghdad-By-The-Bay.
MADELINE: Here’s to you Mrs. Madrigal …
CARLOTTA: “A nation turns her lonely eyes to you.”
MADELINE: “Woo-hoo-hoo.”
Madeline tries to dive back under sheets,butCarlotta suddenly jumps up and reaches downon the floor to restrain her invisible dog.
CARLOTTA: OK Radar, I’ll take you out.
MADELINE: That damn dog!
CARLOTTA: When she’s gotta go, I gotta go!
MADELINE: Just like a baby.
CARLOTTA: She’s so small and dark ... people can’t see her.
MADELINE: She’s not all that small.
CARLOTTA: I had to stand up for her from the very beginning.
MADELINE: What’d you mean?
CARLOTTA: She’s not regulation breed.
MADELINE: Not a German Shepherd … that’s for sure.
CARLOTTA: I had to jump City Hall hoops just to get her registered.
MADELINE: Maybe a malinois, or a malamute?
CARLOTTA: Radar’s on her probationary review right now.
MADELINE: What’s that mean?
CARLOTTA: Black cop with a black poodle?
MADELINE (beat): Oh, I get it.
Carlotta shrugs.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: I had to convince Chief: “North Beach needs an undercover poodle.”
MADELINE: What’d he say?
CARLOTTA: “Show me Radar has that certain special quality for the job.”
MADELINE: So what’d you do?
CARLOTTA: A Shepherd looks scary. You can train ‘em to attack or pull back.
MADELINE (not following): And …
CARLOTTA: A black poodle can be scary too. But she’s under my command.
Pause.
Madeline shrugs.
CARLOTTA: Then I showed surveillance video of a Shepherd who didn’t pull back.
MADELINE: Gruesome?
CARLOTTA: Not for kids, that’s for sure.
Pause.
MADELINE: You showed him a YouTube … That’s it?
CARLOTTA: Main thing I said to Chief was simple.
MADELINE: What was it?
CARLOTTA: “Radar won’t eat bad guys and embarrass us like that YouTube dog.”
Pause.
MADELINE: So, she got the job?
CARLOTTA: Of course. (beat) But I always have to announce Radar at a crime scene.
MADELINE (beat): How’s that work exactly?
CARLOTTA: Once the bad guy is trapped, I say: “Come on out or I’ll let my dog loose.”
MADELINE: … And they come out?
CARLOTTA: Usually.
MADELINE: And if they don’t?
CARLOTTA: Let’s just say: I won’t need backup.
MADELINE: Meaning?
CARLOTTA: Radar’s got me covered. (beat) But she won’t kill my bad guy.
Pause.
MADELINE (aside): Never hook up with a cop and her K-9 partner!
CARLOTTA: What?
MADELINE (switches subject): Change her name. “Radar” is too cold.
CARLOTTA (chuckles): Maybe “Judy”? Better suits undercover work.
MADELINE: Or Sheba.
CARLOTTA: Black Like Me.
MADELINE: No matter what you call her, Carlotta Parker – she’s your North Bitch.
LIGHTS
Scene Three
STOCKTON STREET TUNNEL, at Bush Street.That same winter morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Busy traffic in rain. A gunshot.PROJECTION: Stockton Street Tunnel, from below.A body rolls down the hill from above.ADOLPH and DONALD sit parked, awaiting Über ride-shares.They frequently check their phones and do not notice the body.
DONALD: Where do I meet actors around here?
ADOLPH: It’s tough. Everybody’s gotta gig so much, there’s no time.
DONALD: Nobody’s got the time to make time.
ADOLPH: Well, you can always eat table scraps.
DONALD: What’s that crack supposed to mean?
ADOLPH: Start small.
DONALD: What … work as an “extra”?
ADOLPH: Yeah.
DONALD: Like LA? That don’t work.
ADOLPH: I wouldn’t know.
DONALD: Forget about it.
ADOLPH: I’ve got no interest in the southland.
DONALD: Too cold up here. I hate that.
ADOLPH: It’s a lot easier to make it here ... on the street.
ADOLPH: Girlfriend kicked me out again.
DONALD: She’s cruel. Kick HER out!
ADOLPH: We have an agreement about the apartment … (voice tails off)
Pause.
DONALD: What the hell is that?
ADOLPH: If I drink, she kicks me out.
DONALD: That’s not reasonable.
ADOLPH: I’m a professional bartender. And I’m Jewish.
DONALD: What’s your point?
ADOLPH: Temptation is not my friend.
DONALD: You’re a real hack, Jack.
Pause.
ADOLPH: I’m a lousy drunk, I know that.
DONALD: You’re a real loser, Bittner.
ADOLPH: Easy for you to say.
DONALD: You got that right.
ADOLPH: Donald de Ponce, your name in lights.
DONALD: Get some other line of work, Adolph.
Pause.
ADOLPH (“foreign” accent): “Money For Nothin’ And My Chicks For Free”!
DONALD: MTV’s my channel!
ADOLPH (strikes pose): Who’re you? (grabs his crotch) Michael Jackson?
Pause.
DONALD: You got kids?
ADOLPH: No … In Portland, I got a step-daughter named Regreta.
DONALD (beat): Too much trouble ... kids.
ADOLPH: Too expensive.
DONALD: Ungrateful bastards!
ADOLPH: Right! Nobody can afford ‘em.
DONALD (sarcastic): Let ‘em freeze in the global warming.
Pause.
ADOLPH: Better off havin’ a dog.
DONALD: You try to buy a dog these days?
ADOLPH: No.
DONALD: You can't afford one.
ADOLPH: Come on!
DONALD: People pay ten grand for one dog!
ADOLPH: You can get a grand piano cheaper than that.
DONALD: Easier to steal a dog than buy it.
Adolph’s cell phone buzzes,
he checks it.
ADOLPH: Gotta ping … (puts away phone) in North Beach.
DONALD: Another LA film crew hotshot.
ADOLPH: How’d you know?
DONALD: Movie people all over town … how could I NOT know?
ADOLPH: Hope it’s not an Überteen.
Adolph exits.Pause.Lolita enters, agitated.She notices Donald’s Über logo.
LOLITA: Are you available?
DONALD: Yeah.
LOLITA: Gotta get outta here, quick!
DONALD: Where to?
LOLITA: No Name Bar.
DONALD: What’s cookin’ in Sausalito?
LOLITA: Hookin’ up with my dysfunctional crew.
DONALD: You sail?
LOLITA: My FILM crew!
DONALD (perks up): Everybody’s got a part?
LOLITA: Everybody has a role, yes.
DONALD: Between the sheets I’m sure.
LOLITA: Clean sheets and Kinky Boots!
DONALD: Hey, hey!!!
AUDIO: Über exits.
BLACKOUT
AUDIO: Radio jingle. Telephone voices.
DICK PISTON (voice over): Welcome back! You’re “In Bed With Dick”.
LOLITA (v/o): Hi Dick!
DICK (v/o): Who’s this?
LOLITA (v/o): Lolita …
DICK (v/o): Where’re you calling from?
LOLITA (v/o): Golden Gate Bridge.
DICK (v/o): What’s your question, Lolita?
LOLITA (v/o): How can I sleep with “Lean David”?
DICK (v/o): David Lean Marx – the world famous director from Mill Valley?
LOLITA (v/o): Yeah! DLM.
DICK (v/o): Send him (beat) your script.
LOLITA (v/o): Which one?
AUDIO: Radio jingle.
LIGHTS
Scene Four
FORT POINT, Marine Drive and Long Avenue.The next morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: wind, waves and muffled voices.PROJECTION: Fort Point, up close from below.The words “THE NEXT MORNING, NOT LONG AGO”fade in, then fade out.CARLOTTA and MADELINE on special detailat perimeter of film crew shooting exteriors.
CARLOTTA (points): That guy with the lights?
MADELINE: He’s the “gaffer”.
CARLOTTA: I thought this was your first movie-crew detail.
MADELINE: Second. I worked backlot security on “Jurassic Park”.
CARLOTTA: So it’s NOT your first?
MADELINE: I lied.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: How’d you know he’s “gaffer”?
MADELINE: You’re a cop … look at his actions.
CARLOTTA: Doesn’t look like he knows what he’s doing.
MADELINE: He does.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: Why do they need all those big lights in the daytime?
MADELINE: You don’t know a thing about film shoots, do you?
CARLOTTA: He’s just fiddling with the lights!
MADELINE: That’s what he does for a living.
CARLOTTA (not convinced): That’s his PAYING job?
MADELINE: Their real gaffer won an Emmy.
CARLOTTA: For what?
MADELINE: The Jenny Sawdust Power Hour.
CARLOTTA: Girlhood empowerment, I can dig it. That’s a bright show.
MADELINE: Some people know how to grow a reputation.
CARLOTTA: Wonder why he’s not here?
MADELINE: Who knows? Could be on strike …
Pause.
CARLOTTA: Then there’s your brother, Yohan. Like you said …
MADELINE: Yeah ... Dark guy.
CARLOTTA: Didn’t he go around the country convincing his cousins he’s crazy?
MADELINE: He did that, for sure.
CARLOTTA: So … IS he crazy?
MADELINE: Could be crazy … who knows?
CARLOTTA: Not when he takes his meds, you said!
MADELINE: His meds – can’t go crazy with ‘em.
CARLOTTA: … Can’t go crazy without ‘em.
MADELINE: Welcome to San Francisco.
Pause.
CARLOTTA (beat): Did you ever take LSD?
MADELINE: Did I ever!
CARLOTTA: How many times?
MADELINE: Dozens. I stopped counting.
CARLOTTA: Really?
MADELINE: Yes.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: I couldn’t stand acid actually. (beat) And I was an original Cockette!
MADELINE (beat): What?
CARLOTTA: Yeah.
MADELINE: You mean … ?
CARLOTTA (beat): Yes.
MADELINE: What was your name?
CARLOTTA: Carl Parker.
Pause.
Carlotta touches her hair.
CARLOTTA: One time only for me … that was it.
Hard beat.
MADELINE (confused): You can’t re-ATTACH it ... can you?
Pause.
CARLOTTA: I couldn’t stand the sunlight smothering everything!
MADELINE (beat): Oh, you mean LSD? I know exactly what you mean.
CARLOTTA: The light all cracked down into primary colors right there.
MADELINE: Like a prism … everywhere you looked.
CARLOTTA: Somehow fracturing your eyelids into a rainbow.
MADELINE: Like the Robin Williams Tunnel.
CARLOTTA: Like an atom smasher. You can’t escape!
Pause.
CARLOTTA: I hated LSD – I must control my body.
MADELINE: I loved it, like catnip.
CARLOTTA: How could you?
MADELINE: By giving up total control. (beat) Totally.
CARLOTTA: And … you’re a cop!?
MADELINE: An inspector.
CARLOTTA: Indeed.
MADELINE: Born to ask questions, but never answer them.
CARLOTTA: But we can’t put “acid” on our resumes.
MADELINE (beat): You can’t take acid and handle a gun at work.
CARLOTTA: That’s a fact. (kisses Madeline) Gotta go.
LIGHTS
Scene Five
VESUVIO CAFE, 255 Columbus Avenue.
That same winter morning, Not Long Ago.
AUDIO: Rain and empty bar wildtrack.PROJECTION: The infamous Vesuvio Bar.LOLITA emerges from restroom, adjusts her blouse.She sits alone at a table for two.Pause.SLIM emerges from same restroom door, tucks his shirt.He joins her for coffee together. Lolita sips her cup.
SLIM (sits): “We gotta stop meeting like this!” Unquote.
LOLITA (guesses): Cagney to Crawford in “The Big Sleep” …
SLIM: Not even close.
LOLITA (stung): I know my film history!
SLIM: Just not everybody else’s film history.
Lolita sips her cup.
LOLITA (beat): Are you always this sarcastic after sex?
SLIM: Hey. “Treat Me Like You Did The Night Before.”
LOLITA: “I’m Looking Through You. Where Did You Go?”
SLIM: Life can’t be all key light and fill.
Pause.
LOLITA: Where’re we shooting today?
SLIM (scans room): Here, I thought … and City Lights next door.
Pause.
LOLITA: Then … where IS everybody?
SLIM (checks paper from pocket): Call sheet said seven a.m.
LOLITA (looks across Kerouac Alley): It’s five past six. Nobody’s here.
SLIM: Lean David’s never late!
LOLITA: Better call him. (beat) I told you we shouldn’t fool around on set.
SLIM (starts to panic): My trucks should’ve been here by now.
LOLITA (turns from window): They’re not at City Lights.
SLIM: Where the hell are they?
LOLITA: How could we lose two full grip trucks?
Slim quickly exits.Lolita sits and sips, then takes out notebook,she furiously makes notes.Carlotta enters in uniform, walks by table.She stops and smiles at Lolita. (Radar sits).
LOLITA (looks up, embarrassed): I’m writing my memoir.
CARLOTTA: What you calling it?
LOLITA: “Sex on The Set” – about my on-going awesome movie career.
CARLOTTA: Isn’t that book out already?
LOLITA: I’m just getting started.
CARLOTTA: I’m thinking of “Sex and The City”.
LOLITA: That’s a tv show. And it wasn’t this City ... no way.
CARLOTTA (beat): Thanks for settin’ me straight.
LOLITA: Are you based out of Central Station?
CARLOTTA: Yeah, here in North Beach.
Carlotta extends her hand for shaking.
Lolita takes it.
CARLOTTA: Officer Carlotta Parker, SFPD.
LOLITA: Lolita Wonderly. I’m the P.A.
CARLOTTA: Huh?
LOLITA: Production assistant.
CARLOTTA: So … you assist the crew?
LOLITA (miffed): I AM CREW! (beat) Are you our location-detail for today’s shoot?
CARLOTTA: No, I’m K-9. On the street, Columbus and Broadway.
LOLITA (looks down): Oh, didn’t see … I love Shepherds.
CARLOTTA: Should be a Shepherd, but she’s not.
LOLITA: Hard to tell … What is she?
CARLOTTA: Poodle.
Pause.
LOLITA: Strange breed for a K-9 partner, isn’t it?
CARLOTTA: That’s the whole point. Too cute for North Beach.
LOLITA: What do you mean?
CARLOTTA: Good dog … bad cop.
Pause.
Lolita does not believe this.
CARLOTTA: I had to train her to look meaner, (beat) if that’s what you mean.
LOLITA: Surprise attack!
CARLOTTA: A menace, yeah.
LOLITA: But a tracking dog, not a search dog.
CARLOTTA: Show her, Radar … (points to floor)
LOLITA (looks down): Look at her go!
CARLOTTA: “Sit Radar”. We warn the bad guy every time …
LOLITA: What do you say?
CARLOTTA: “Come out, or I’m gonna let my dog loose.”
LOLITA: Bad guy sees Radar and thinks: “Must Be The Season Of The Witch”.
CARLOTTA: I had to convince Chief I’m high-character personnel. Fit for the job.
Pause.
LOLITA (looks down): Hard to tell anything about a black dog in this low light.
Lolita looks hard at the floor.
CARLOTTA: That’s the whole point. (beat) Black dogs matter.
LOLITA: And North Beach has dim light.
Pause.
LOLITA: Does she live at Central Station?
CARLOTTA: She lives with me … she’s my partner
LOLITA: All the time?
CARLOTTA: Twenty-Four/Seven. We got each other’s backside.
LOLITA: I’d love to have a partner like that man.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: Who says you need a man?
LOLITA: What?
CARLOTTA: Just sayin’ … the gene pool is deep, girl.
Pause.
Carlotta cocks her head
and smiles.
CARLOTTA: And the water, she’s wide.
LOLITA: Do you … (can’t find right word) … ?
CARLOTTA: Yeah I’m open-ended, if that’s what you’re asking.
Pause.
LOLITA: I keep forgetting I’m not in Sherman Oaks anymore.
CARLOTTA: You’ll get used to North Bitch, as we say.
LOLITA: Only a cop with a dog can call it that!
CARLOTTA: You got that right.
LOLITA: Did you notice any film trucks around here this morning?
CARLOTTA (at the door): Not here, no. Just saw one at Fort Point, though.
LOLITA (to herself): Oh?
CARLOTTA: Drove my partner out to a location-detail.
LOLITA (confused): I thought Radar’s your partner?
CARLOTTA: My other mate, Madeline.
LOLITA: And the crew was there, at Fort Point?
CARLOTTA: Yeah, they were setting up to shoot. (beat) Gotta go.
Pause.
Carlotta exits.
Slim returns, frightfully upset.
SLIM: Shig was at City Lights ...
LOLITA: This early?
SLIM: He says we’re there TOMORROW.
LOLITA (feigns shock): Oh no!
SLIM: We’re at Fort Point today, not North Beach!
Pause.
Lolita “holds her tongue”.
LOLITA: What happened?
SLIM: Our rental was small, so they got only one truck.
LOLITA: Then, we don’t need two.
SLIM: Luke said nothing about a combo truck.
LOLITA: That explains everything!
SLIM: Instead of sex, maybe we should check our call sheet?
Pause.
LOLITA: Learn to keep our pants on in other words.
SLIM: And know what day it is …
LOLITA … before it starts!
Pause.
SLIM: Damn, they’ll think we joined the strike!
LOLITA: But … (without irony) … I’m a SCAB!
Pause.
LOLITA (beat): What a HASSLE! Rhymes with “asshole”.
SLIM: How do you know THAT old expression?
LOLITA: Experience!
SLIM: How old ARE you?
LOLITA (winks): You can’t blackmail me, my reputation’s already ruined.
LIGHTS
Scene Six
CITY LIGHTS BOOKS, 261 Columbus Avenue.The next evening, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Distant rain. Interior muffled voices.PROJECTION: The basement bookshelves.The words “THE NEXT EVENING, NOT LONG AGO”fade in, then fade out.MADELINE and CARLOTTA browse shelves.
CARLOTTA: Can you believe it?
MADELINE: Incredible.
CARLOTTA: I never acted before.
MADELINE: True. Three of my best LA friends are actors. It’s not easy.
CARLOTTA: How’d I land the part?
MADELINE: Your good looks.
CARLOTTA: Come on, I got talent too.
MADELINE: Seriously, how DID you get the part?
CARLOTTA: Turns out he’s assistant “gaffer”. Head guy is on strike.
MADELINE: How can a crew guy give you a part in a major motion picture?
CARLOTTA: Luke didn’t. He introduced me to the director.
MADELINE: Oh!
CARLOTTA: David was really mad about his unions. He hired me on the spot.
MADELINE: That’s strange.
CARLOTTA: Turns out, I don’t need experience for this kind of acting.
MADELINE: Guess not.
CARLOTTA: School? Classes …workshops. Who needs ‘em?
MADELINE: Wardrobe, make up, gym memberships …
CARLOTTA: I’m sure that all adds up.
MADELINE: Voice lessons, accent coaches, agents ...
CARLOTTA (giddy): What else?
MADELINE: Mug shots, demo-reels. That’s a lot to unpack.
CARLOTTA: Who can afford to be an actor?
MADELINE: Siblings who’ve already made it.
CARLOTTA: The Fondas … The Barrymores … Jake and Maggie.
MADELINE: The Quaids … The Baldwins.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: I think we’ve seen this movie before.
MADELINE: Everybody’s seen it.
CARLOTTA: Call Central Casting!
MADELINE: Yeah … (dejected) You got yours, didn’t you?
Carlotta loses her smile.
Long pause.Madeline shrugs and smiles, faintly.
MADELINE: I was born with ten pounds of sorry in my pocket.
CARLOTTA: What’s that supposed to mean?
MADELINE: I guess I was just born guilty.
Pause.
CARLOTTA (losing patience): Guilty of what?
MADELINE: Guilty of knowing your K9 wears a wire!
CARLOTTA (aside): What a strange comment.
MADELINE: “God don’t play dice with the universe.”
CARLOTTA: You’re quoting somebody. Again.
MADELINE: Mayor Dianne Einstein. She was talking about City Hall spies.
Pause.Madeline points to Radarwho “sits” at Carlotta’s side.
CARLOTTA: Hold on! Did you imply my dog is a spy?
MADELINE: Just sayin’ ...
CARLOTTA: Sayin’ WHAT?
MADELINE: Radar wears a wire!
CARLOTTA (beat): How do you know?
MADELINE: Look!
Carlotta bends down to look.Madeline points out something to her.
CARLOTTA: Good God!
MADELINE: See.
CARLOTTA: How’d she get THAT on her collar?
MADELINE: We’ll find out soon enough.
CARLOTTA: Somebody’s watching me!
MADELINE: Your undercover poodle is a spy!
LIGHTS
Scene Seven
MISSION DOLORES CEMETERY, 320 Dolores Street.That same evening, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Distant street traffic, sirens.PROJECTION: West end of cemetery looking out toward Dolores.ADOLPH and DONALD snuggled in extra large sleeping bag,lovers for the first time, surrounded by headstones.
ADOLPH (under covers): Ouch!
DONALD (under covers): What?
ADOLPH (under covers): That hurt!
DONALD (under covers): Sit still.
ADOLPH (under covers): Oowww!
DONALD (under covers): Love my Dirty Dozen Undercover Love Tips!
ADOLPH (under covers): Not really!
DONALD (under covers): They’re supposed to “give you pleasure”.
ADOLPH (under covers): Says who?
DONALD (under covers): It’s so erotic on your body.
ADOLPH (under covers): Not mine!
DONALD (under covers): Watch my little birdie!
Adolph pops up out of sheets.
ADOLPH: Don’t tell me what to do!
LIGHTS FLICKER
PROJECTION: (Montage) ADOLPH and DONALD in an altered reality.Both are dressed in drag. They “sing” (silently) and dance (slow motion).But no actual words or music comes out.
DONALD: Ouch!
ADOLPH: The leg you are standing on is being pulled by me.
AUDIO: A single gunshot. Loud.
BLACKOUT
AUDIO: Radio jingle. Telephone voices.
DICK PISTON (voice over): Welcome back! You’re “In Bed With Dick”.
ADOLPH (v/o): Hi Dick!
DICK (v/o): Who’s this?
ADOLPH (v/o): Adolph …
DICK (v/o): Where’re you calling from?
ADOLPH (v/o): The Mission.
DICK (v/o): What’s your question?
ADOLPH (v/o): Do birdwatchers have sex?
Pause.
DICK (v/o): Let me answer your question with another question.
ADOLPH (v/o): … OK.
DICK (v/o): Why do we call it The Birds And Bees?
AUDIO: Radio jingle.
LIGHTS
Scene Eight
LEGION OF HONOR, 100 Thirty-Fourth Avenue.Another winter morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: A slight breeze.PROJECTION: Empty parking lot.The Words “ANOTHER WINTER MORNING, NOT LONG AGO”fade in, then fade out.DONALD sits in his Über alone parked next toan empty film set with c-stands, lights anda prop gun on a table.Donald rolls down his window.
DONALD: Is this their movie set? (beat) Yes!
Donald gets out of vehicle.
DONALD: Now’s my chance!
He enters The Set.
DONALD: I wanna be Elvis … in his prime!
Donald’s hips start to gyrate.
DONALD (sings): “I’m gonna get it together … “
Donald continues to gyrate.
DONALD (sings): “So I can do my own thing.”
He stops dancing.
DONALD (sings): “Some day … Some day!”
Donald drops down like a cop,holds prop “gun”.
DONALD (mocks): Come out or I’ll let my dog loose!
Donald gets up, turns around.
He is dazed and confused.
DONALD: I remember the war … in Paris.
Pause.
DONALD: They bombed the zoo. All the animals escaped.
Pause.
DONALD: People were hungry.
Pause.
DONALD: The supply chain broke.
Pause.
DONALD: So, they hunted and ate zoo animals.
Pause.
DONALD: Thinking gives me a headache!
Donald grabs his head,
waves gun.
DONALD: Who can drive a self-driving Über?!?
He throws his arm out to his sides.
DONALD: I’m out of a job.
Donald seems to be on an “acid trip”.
DONALD (he spins): I can’t go on strike.
Donald still holds prop gun.
DONALD (still spins): We don’t have a ride-share union.
Donald waves gun wildly.
DONALD (stops): Nobody watching for accidental weapons discharge!
PROJECTION: Hitchcock’s Vertigo spin.
DONALD: I have bone spurs, goddammit!
PROJECTION: Vertigo spin continues.
DONALD: Enemy of the people! (hard beat) Lock ‘em up!
PROJECTION: A newspaper headline reads:“SHOOTOUT AT FILM SHOOT”.
AUDIO: A single gunshot.
Room’s LIGHT pulses.Donald gets up, reaches for his abdomen, slumps to the floor.
BLACKOUT
Scene Nine
VESUVIO CAFE, 255 Columbus Avenue.That same winter morning, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: Rain and empty bar wildtrack.PROJECTION: The infamous Vesuvio Bar.CARLOTTA and MADELINE sipping coffee.
CARLOTTA: So, YOU were a beatnik!?
MADELINE: Just call me Sal Paradise, man.
CARLOTTA: You lie!
MADELINE: What, you don’t think I’m that old?
CARLOTTA: Not in this light.
Pause.
MADELINE: I know what happened Back In The Day.
CARLOTTA: Beatniks?
MADELINE: No.
CARLOTTA: Hippies?
MADELINE: Yes. I was here, I saw it. (beat) Not Long Ago.
CARLOTTA: I believe you, Madeline.
MADELINE: They were all assembled behind the curtain. In a circle.
CARLOTTA: Two a.m. -- Pagoda Palace?
MADELINE: Yes. The Cockette’s Palace.
CARLOTTA: And the audience had to just sit there and wait?
MADELINE: Yes, the AUDIENCE had to wait!
CARLOTTA: … like a dog.
MADELINE: It was unbelievable.
Pause.
CARLOTTA: Cast and crew in a circle together?
MADELINE: Everybody together there on stage – chanting behind the curtain.
CARLOTTA: What was the deal?
MADELINE: Somebody had made them an offer to buy the production.
CARLOTTA: Probably wasn’t worth much … Total dumpster-drag show.
MADELINE: Lotta talent, though!
CARLOTTA: Oh, yeah?
MADELINE: But the producer only wanted to buy the top two players.
CARLOTTA: Babe and Woody.
MADELINE: He didn’t want any of the others.
CARLOTTA: So … it was all or nothing?
MADELINE: Everybody in the circle was debating whether to perform for him.
CARLOTTA: That’s weird.
MADELINE: Then someone yelled: “Strike the Set!”
CARLOTTA: What happened?
MADELINE: The producer heard that, got fed up and finally left.
CARLOTTA: Then what?
MADELINE: The curtain rose and the show went on without him.
CARLOTTA: So they didn’t strike the set?
MADELINE: Hell no.
CARLOTTA: Of course, the Pagoda Palace. Midnight shows start at 3 a.m.
Pause.
MADELINE: Yes, just like Yesterday, sister.
Madeline pulls out handcuffs, puts them on Carlotta.
MADELINE: The show goes on without you, sweetheart!
Carlotta looks down at her wrists.
CARLOTTA: WHAT!?!
MADELINE: “You have a right to remain silent … ”
Pause.
Carlotta mouths the words “You have a right to remain silent” …Still stunned, Carlotta finally speaks.
CARLOTTA: YOU’RE popping ME?!
MADELINE: Yes.
CARLOTTA: While I’m in uniform!
MADELINE: Yes.
CARLOTTA: Why?
MADELINE: You gave Donald the prop gun.
CARLOTTA: “Shootout At The Film Shoot”?
MADELINE: Yes, you know blanks can kill.
CARLOTTA: It was a cold gun!
MADELINE: Tell that to Donald.
CARLOTTA: He should have known.
MADELINE: Obviously, he didn’t.
CARLOTTA: Why point a gun at yourself – loaded or not?
Long Pause.
MADELINE: You can’t belong to our union and work on a film at the same time.
CARLOTTA: What?
MADELINE: You violated police union cinema-safety rules! Disrespects the badge.
CARLOTTA: But … I’m such a small fish.
MADELINE: Gotta start somewhere, Harry Bridges.
CARLOTTA: That’s what they all say …
MADELINE: Victim of circumstance.
CARLOTTA: Wrong place.
MADELINE: Wrong time …
CARLOTTA: Diane Einstein (sic)!
LIGHTS
LEGION OF HONOR, 100 Thirty-Fourth Avenue.New Years Evening, Not Long Ago.AUDIO: A raucous party tour bus pulls away …Last few bars of Jackson Browne’s “Before the Deluge”.
BUS DRIVER (v/o): That ends our bus tour of San Francisco film locations.
PROJECTION: Legion of Honor parking lot.The words “NEW YEARS EVE – NOT LONG AGO”fade in, then fade out.
BUS DRIVER (v/o): … Look, there’s a film crew now, shutting down.
SLIM and LOLITA are striking the set.
Lolita wears a hoodie with the word “BANG” in big block letters.
BUS DRIVER (v/o): Up next Vintage Tattoo Rentals …
AUDIO: Tour bus drives away.
LIGHTS SHIFT
SLIM: I’ll never dig your demographic.
LOLITA: Why?
SLIM: I’m just not old enough for you.
LOLITA: I need you! (confesses) I just turned eighteen.
Pause.
SLIM: WHAT!?! You were JAILBAIT!?!
Slim mimes a “noose” to hang himself.Long pause.
LOLITA: Imagine if we’d met in Victorian times.
SLIM (now very confused): So … what?
LOLITA: I’d be wearing hoop skirts … crinoline.
SLIM (trying to understand): You think I couldn’t find some way in?
LOLITA: No, no … dress fires! Crinoline was very flammable.
SLIM: Hey, I run a safe set.
LOLITA (beat): Imagine you’re a Victorian doctor. Curing women of “hysteria”.
SLIM: What on earth are we talking about?
LOLITA: The vibrator.
SLIM (defensive): You think … I need help with that?
LOLITA: Vibrating Victorian doctors, pleasing women without personal pain.
SLIM: Is that a real thing?
LOLITA: Look it up!
Slim consults his phone.
LOLITA: Labor saving device for doctors.
SLIM (speaks into phone): “Victorian vibrators”.
LOLITA: Didn’t have to hurt their hands and wrists …
SLIM (reads phone): No!
LOLITA: Avoided a lot of carpal tunnels.
SLIM: Doctors union must have loved that!
Pause.
LOLITA: That guy who shot himself here last month – Über driver.
SLIM: That was a Ron Howard shoot. Not us.
LOLITA: … Donald somebody. Thought he was a big shot.
SLIM: Never heard of him. Who do we think he was?
LOLITA: I heard he had a reality tv show.
SLIM (beat): Not anymore.
Pause.
SLIM: What about your cop friend … Carl or Carlotta?
LOLITA: Things turned south for her in a hurry.
SLIM: Must hurt to get caught like that.
LOLITA: Yes, her main squeeze put the squeeze on her.
SLIM: Didn’t her own K9 find the evidence to convict her?
LOLITA: Bribery and other under-the-table transactions.
SLIM: Yeah. “That Was No Good.”
LOLITA: I don’t want a partner like that!
Pause.
LOLITA: Come with me!
SLIM: … Where?
LOLITA: That Other City of Light – Paris.
SLIM: Can’t leave now. I’m on strike.
LOLITA: Quit!
SLIM: How? I’d lose everything.
LOLITA: Why do you catastrophize everything?
SLIM: Speak English!
LOLITA: You won’t LOSE ME! I’m not Überteen ... I want you.
Pause.
Slim can’t believe his ears.
SLIM: I didn’t know … I guess I’m feelin’ no pain (beat) killers.
Pause.
LOLITA: If you love me, you’ll take me away.
SLIM (tempted): I love Paris, but …
LOLITA: … What?
SLIM (beat): Why do they have to make it look so old?
LOLITA: They were up to no good when they first lit-up that old place.
SLIM: We can make it look new, I guess.
LOLITA: Yes!
SLIM: We could really light it up!
Pause.
LOLITA: We’ll get married there.
SLIM (beat): Can’t get more lit than that.
Pause.
LOLITA: So is that a yes?
SLIM: Is that a proposal?
LOLITA: I wanna have five kids. All boys.
SLIM: Don’t change the subject!
LOLITA: That IS the subject?
SLIM: Ok … Flash: I wanna move to a ranch in Rome, work at Cinecittà.
LOLITA: Let’s go!
Suddenly Slim stiffens.
Pause.
SLIM (looks down): What the … ?
LOLITA (looks down): Radar is that you?
SLIM (smiles at Lolita): Looks like we got our first dependent.
They exit.
END of PLAY
Thanks for help: Nik Martin, Donald March Jr., Donald March Sr., Dave Cutaia, Jeff Sherwin, Harvey Bach, Ray Sloan, Jonathan Demme, Richard Gebhardt, Jerry Pfeiffer, Joseph Torchia, Raul Ramirez, H.G. “Buddy” Davis, Marion Cunningham, Leah Garchik, Jim Wood, Jon Carroll, Fred Wickham, Mike Duvall, Harlan Bailey, Scott Hildula, David Sommers, Neil Murphy, Mike Menesini, Brian Seff, Meryl Kessler, Scott Ganas, Monica Ganas, Righteous Raoul Brody, Charlie Varon, Dan Hoyle, David Ford, Patrice Manget, Iumi Richard Crow, Reuben Burke, Jimmy Giancarlo, Larkin McAllister, Bill Hester, Queenie Taylor, Peder Jones, Jana Russon, Steven Russon, P.J. Turnham, Roy Jeans, Luke Seerveld and T.E.B. Clarke.
CHARACTER BIOS
Slim Shade, caucasian male, 26. Moved from key grip to gaffer, now a union organizer. Well-respected and in demand for top-flight crews.
Lolita Wonderly, African-American female, “21”. On-the-make production assistant. Wants to write, direct and produce her own films.
Madeline Baker, African-American female, 45. North Beach inspector. New to the neighborhood. Recently moved here from LA.
Carlotta Parker, African-American female, 48. North Beach beat cop, been there for two decades. Knows everybody in the neighborhood, bemoans the loss of its Italianate character.
“Radar”, Carlotta’s invisible K-9 partner, 3. We don’t see the dog on stage, but Carlotta often talks to her. Also we can hear the dog when necessary.
Adolph Bittner, African-American male, 64. Über driver thinking of moving to LA. He worked as an extra on Nash Bridges who longed for speaking roles. Takes lots of acting lessons, but has not advanced his career.
Donald de Ponce, Hispanic male, 75. Über driver just moved here from LA. Wants to act in movies, but unsure what to do.
Dick Piston (voice over only), “male”, 45. Widely-heard self-help author and KGO radio sex counselor. Two-hour call-in talk show is City’s top-rated media money maker. Dick has no formal training in radio, or therapy. And it shows.
* * *
copyright (c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb - all rights reserved
ISBN:
Jobb, Jamie
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