How should Earth handle being bipolar?
Should a defendant take the fifth, or drink it?
Why don’t steelhead trout rust?
Who tells the Finnish when to quit?
Nobody wants to be a gravedigger … all that skullduggery.
If advanced life sent E.T. to Earth, why didn’t he bring a smart phone?
Robbers can’t be trusted, so my dad bought his stash register.
I’m suing Africa: I got sunburned in Tanzania!
Why was Yogi Berra so often misquoted?
We found Gulliver’s travel agent, but we’ll never use her.
I want to live in a sea shanty, but I can’t hold a tune.
Take one look at my wife’s kitchen, you’ll never eat her sponge cake.
I slept with so many women, I needed sign-up sheets.
My wife slept with so many men, she used spreadsheets.
Of course, you can guess where we met … at the laundromat.
Pig walks into a bar, thinks it’s a stye. Bartender says “You can’t live here!”
Pig says “Who’d wanna? I have a better stye at home.”
Russian walks into a bar to launder his liquor.
Farmer sits there, milking a White Russian.
Then a Scotsman, Englishman and Irish-person walk in.
Bartender won’t serve them because “You blokes belong in a pub!”
A devil of a cartoonist walks into a bar and draws a crowd.
Crowd shows up and says “How the Hell’d we get here?”
Frog hops into a bar and sits on a toadstool.
Toad slips in to say “Who took my seat?”
Lawyer creeps into a bar and wonders why he didn’t pass it.
If a judge wants to get laughs, should she issue a gag order?
If a judge throws the book at a librarian, should she charge him if it’s overdue?
Cop backs into a bar and sits on a stool pigeon,
but a carrier pigeon swoops in to rescue his seat.
Robber slips into a bank to level with a teller:
“I’d rather beg than borrow. Loan me twenty bucks.”
Judge stumbles into a bar and sits on a bench.
The Bench says “Is this contempt of court?”
A soap-dish slips into a wet-bar, only to break a sweat.
A bigamist strides into a singles bar to brag about his wife in the country.
A plantation can’t get served when it visits the Cotton Club.
A squaw sneaks into the Stork Club to order a papoose.
A mule backs into a bar where a cowboy kicked the habit.
If a man says a woman is adornable does that mean
she should put her clothes back on? Or hang 'em up?
Where should chairmen sit?
What’s another word for vocabulary?
What’s another word for synonym?
What’s the singular of plural?
Does Gallop pay poll tax?
Who swims in Liverpool?
Who mows Scotland Yard?
How do microbiologists use cell phones?
Should a paradox seek a second opinion?
Body-builder stumbles onto a beach, bites into it and says “I thought this was the sand bar.” Cat wanders onto the same beach and says “I’ve never seen such commodious accommodations!”
My wife and I wanted kids, so we went out and bought a dozen …
Turns out they’re not like eggs. They don’t break. Plus they stink if you ignore them.
I just realized my fob took a time-out.
It’s not a lie, it’s a dislocation of the facts.
I’m Irish, so I’m politically correct.
Grill bumps into a barbecue and says “Let’s get hitched!”
Bar sneaks onto a grill and says “Where’d that truck come from?”
A dentist orders a new drill and three Marines volunteer.
Got a new vacuum cleaner, it sucks. Got a new girlfriend, she don’t.
The usher shines his flashlight on young love in the balcony
to avert another unplanned parenthood.
What is the single most antisemitic martial art that ends in “jitsu”?
Why dry clean a raincoat?
Why put a bridge on a ship?
Did Superman have a strong suit?
Who camps in Tiger Woods?
Should cowboys hire brand consultants?
Do murder suspects execute documents?
As a young man, where did Jerry West go?
What muleskinner needs a sidekick?
Why are nuns sisters, but not siblings?
Why are Popes fathers, but not daddies?
PBS joke: Did Calder ever visit Mobile?
Who narrates Peter Coyote?
Is voting politically correct?
AND my wife helped write this one:
Writing jokes is hard.
Especially when people don’t get them.
Which led to this one:
Telling jokes is harder.
Especially when you can’t remember them.
