or
Broken Homemakers of Strawberry Point
a summary judgment in one act
by Jamie Jobb
CHARACTERS
(Short bios at End of Play)
SETTINGS
Apologies: Bradley Ogden, Captain William Richardson, Samuel P. Throckmorton, Ann Brebner, The Dali Lama, Garrison Keillor, Douglas Adams, Pat Boone, Lenny Bruce, Tennessee Williams, Bo Jackson, Janis Joplin, Grace Slick, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez and Theodor Seuss Geisel.
(c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb
Scene One
RED WOODSON HOMES, Mill Valley. Early afternoon.
AUDIO: Muted George Winston muzak. Distant doors, phones, voices.PROJECTION: Redwoods visible through wrap-around office windows.
ROSE at table with Binder and Camera.BUCK on office Phone.
BUCK (hangs up): They left a key in the lockbox.
ROSE (holds up camera): I’m ready. (blurts) My first client!
BUCK: You know, this was Red’s very first listing. Strawberry Point.
ROSE: Can’t wait to see that fabled view!
BUCK (most proud): Twenty Twenty Century Drive!
ROSE: Didn’t Red live on The Point too?
BUCK: Yes, indeed. He was their next-door-neighbor. (beat) As well as my mentor.
ROSE (reads binder): He doesn’t seem all that popular.
BUCK: Red Woodson?!? He was very popular – Tam High, Cal Bears!
ROSE: No, no. Red’s neighbor! (holds up news clip) This IJ editorial – quote
“Judge Won’t Be Missed” unquote.
BUCK: They’re glad to get rid of him, that’s for damn sure!
ROSE: The Court … or the neighborhood?
BUCK: He’s Marin County Superior Court’s most disruptive judge. But half the ill
repute stems from his Dad’s bad deeds, not his own. The Independent Journal, the neighbors – they don’t know Junior at all. He’s a real recluse. He just gives The Court calendar grief, as Presiding Judge. But Junior’s Dad was a vindictive judicial tyrant. Despised by neighbors, the press and the Court. Not to mention the great State of California.
ROSE: Old Man must’ve done something awful – the judge turned crook!?!
BUCK: Convicted felon: Tax fraud. Embezzlement. Bribery. Perjury! The whole
judicial docket. But none of his crimes tainted Junior, who’d already been elected to the bench by then. This was the late Eighties. Junior’s nose was clean, and stayed clean.
ROSE: Where was His Honor ... his Father ... eventually incarcerated?
BUCK: Never went to prison.
ROSE: He begged a pardon?
BUCK: Sentenced to Life, without parole! (beat) He took the only way out he knew.
Rose doesn’t comprehend, shrugs.
Pause.
Two fingers of Buck’s right hand “walk the plank” of his left hand.Two fingers “fall”.
Beat.
BUCK: … The Bridge.
Pause.
ROSE (gets it now): So that … was his Final Judgment. In a manner of speaking.
BUCK: Thanksgiving. Stood up his family at the dinner table. They spent all night in
Marin General. Someone on The Bridge saw him leap over the rail. Called the CHP. They rescued the body before he died, there on a gurney in the ER. His family never ate that turkey dinner. And they never forgave him, wasting great food like that. Catered by Bradley Ogden, no less – when he was a rising chef. Before Lark Creek. (beat) Later rumors surfaced that the Old Judge had been actively involved in shenanigans with a showgirl in North Beach the night before. And maybe the night before that.
Pause.
ROSE: Like grandpa used to say: “Here come da Judge!”
BUCK: “Dere GO da Judge.” Anyway, Junior needs to sell ... and pretty quick.
Governor Brown appointed him to the state appeals court in the City. He bought intoMillennium Tower.
ROSE (beat): Idiot!
BUCK: Moving into a sinking building!
ROSE: From the best views in the world here … into a city high-rise surrounded
by more high-rises, all built on bay mud.
BUCK: I never thought he was that stupid!
ROSE (reads binder): “The Honorable Miller Throckmorton, the Second.”
BUCK: Family home. Grew up there … on Strawberry Point. His Honor comes from
Marin’s founding family. His great great grandfather owned the sawmill that turned 19thCentury redwoods into 20th Century luxury living. Moving won’t be easy for Junior. (beat) Or his so-called “roommate”.
ROSE (confused, scans binder): Nobody else’s listed on title.
BUCK: Kept in the closet. All these years.
ROSE (beat): Oh?
BUCK: Very very ... hush hush.
ROSE (intrigued): So he’s not yet … “out”?
BUCK: No, never! No way! A judge?!? Not even in “progressive” Marin. Plus,
his “roommate” is somewhat famous on his own two feet. That’s why we got their exclusive pocket listing to provide them with your confidential staging services. Sworn-to-secrecy, and priced to sell!
Pause.
ROSE: Who’s this … “roommate”?
BUCK: Check the Family Trust docs. (she does) He’s listed there as the
Fiduciary. “Ross” somebody ...
Rose reads.
Pause.
ROSE (finds it): Here … “Ross Kentfield.”
BUCK: Grew up back East. Syracuse.
ROSE (aside): Have I not heard of him?
BUCK: Also known as “The Rock”.
ROSE (suddenly dawns on her): He played for the Raiders?!?
BUCK: Yes.
ROSE: The Rock was a Beast. My Dad called him “The New Juice”!
BUCK: The “Rock” plays several roles for Judge Throck.
ROSE: Such as?
BUCK: Bailiff.
ROSE: Hum ... right-hand-man Friday.
Pause.
BUCK: And chauffeur.
ROSE: Naturally … One hand on the docket, other hand on the wheel.
BUCK: Plus executor of His Honor’s last will and testament.
ROSE: Hat trick!
BUCK: The Judge has no heirs.
ROSE: Indeed!
BUCK: And don’t forget The Rock’s wide-ranging fiduciary duties for the various
Throckmorton Family Trusts. And charities.
ROSE: Goes with the territory.
BUCK: Some “territory” – Prime Strawberry Point full-acre parcel. Thirty-seven
hundred square feet with Century Drive views right out Richardson Bay, all the way to downtown San Francisco! That famous skyline framed by Angel Island and Sausalito’s sailboats – What a picture, a masterpiece! Original fountains, pools, decks and landscape of California exotic native plants. Main house on two floors with bay views. Five beds, four baths, two kitchens – all with views. Delft tile on kitchen, bath and fireplaces. Gated driveway, with separate service entrance. Two-story guest house with bay views. Stand-alone three-car garage … with crows-nest of bay views. Vineyard easements. Really, all we have to do to sell this one is just walk them through. Stand there. And smile.
ROSE: In this market, at that location – he can name his price!
BUCK: As we used to say – “Strawberry Fields Forever, baby”.
Pause.
ROSE: Are you certain his Dad’s … crimes won’t affect our sale?
BUCK: Yes, nobody remembers Old Judge Throck. Like the Beatles, that old history
is water under The Bridge. None of his neighbors live there now. It’s been thirty years since he jumped.
ROSE: So, it’s all up to me. I’ve gotta make that house rise-and-shine!
BUCK: Really, you’ll see … it’s an absolute dump for that location. He hasn’t
changed one thing since his folks moved in. (beat) Original tenant. Original floor plan. Original colors. Original dust ...
ROSE: Original furniture?
BUCK: Antiques, unquote! Old as Nepal, where they all originated. His Mom
made three special trips. With her advisors, Marin society gals. Two of them got very ill after that last trip.
ROSE: Yikes! High-altitude, antique dust mites – half-way round the world!
BUCK: Who owns “antiques” these days?
SPOT ON
Buck freezes in place;
Rose moves downstage for quick monologue.
ROSE (suddenly misquoting Dr. Seuss):
“In these blue-pastured mountains of Folla-la-Zeeeverybody feels fine at two-hundred-and-three‘cause the air that we breathe is monoxide-freeand we chew raw nuts from the Have-a-Nut Tree.They give strength to our teeth, add length to our hair.So we live without doctors, and nary a scare.”– Dr. Seuss, unquote
SPOT OFF
Buck and Rose return to conversation.
ROSE: So, my task is quite clear. After his mother’s antiques are removed,
I must stage this house well enough to charm the pants off …(Seuss voice:) WHOoooooo?
BUCK: Both of ‘em!
ROSE: The Judge and The Jock – tick-tock, tick-tock!
BUCK: In no particular order?
ROSE: One leg at a time – knick-knock, knick-knock.
LIGHTS
Scene Two
COURT CHAMBERS, San Rafael. Another afternoon.
AUDIO: Distant hallway echoes, heavy doors, faint voices.
PROJECTION: Wall frames with cross-stitched motto: “Nothing Beats Family”.
Bailiff ROSS KENTFIELD attends to Judge MILLER THROCKMORTION, II
who sits with papers at desk.
THROCK: TWO-thirty?!?
ROCK: That’s what she said. They call it their two-thirty “curtain” unquote.
THROCK: What about plaintiff’s two-fifteen motions? Mr. Jeffries is quite upset.
ROCK: Clerk reset your calendar herself. Both parties filed wrong forms, again.
THROCK: So the Court has set me free for your “exclusively staged” real-estate sale?
ROCK: Your Honor’s entire afternoon, duty free.
Pause.
THROCK: Let’s wait – I don’t want them to believe I’m impatient.
They can sit a bit – build up dramatic tension for her “curtain call”.
ROCK: I don’t think that’s what they call it. The proper term is “staged house”.
(beat) There’s no need to trouble over nomenclature, Your Honor. After all,you’re the Seller! She’s the Stager. (beat) She’s quite young!
Pause.
THROCK: Where has Buck detained The Buyers – The No Name or The Loose Noose?
ROCK: No Name.
THROCK: Of course, Buck helped Ilse buy the place.
Pause.
Throck attends to paperwork on desk.
Pause.
ROCK: Sir, respectfully. They’re professionals, on their own clock. They’re not
counsel, subject to quirks of your Court calendar. They’re working folk.
Pause.
Throck turns a page.
THROCK: True, but (beat) I rule we linger – It won’t hurt anybody. It might
even help if The Buyers have a little time to get tipsy. (pause) Buck says these girls just love to drink.
ROCK (bends to smile, close up): You won’t cite any … body for contempt?!?
THROCK (beat): Not until the sun goes down – and the real parties start.
Pause.
Throck remains seated.
THROCK: So what do we know about this real-estate … ah … (can’t recall word)
ROCK: “Stager”.
THROCK: “Stager” – like a stage you stand on, right?
ROCK: Yes. Obviously, not a stage coach with wheels. That would be a
mobile home!
Rock chucklesThrock cracks his knuckles as he stands up.
THROCK (teases): What does she think this is – The Pony Express?!?
A sudden goofball, Throck hops around like a hobby-horse.
ROCK (embarrassed): Your Honor!?!
THROCK (awkward): Sorry … (hops stop) … I thought we were off calendar.
Throck returns to desk.
Pause.
ROCK: Why have you not heard about home-stagers in real estate?
THROCK (embarrassed): You know I’m no tax specialist!
ROCK: Tax has nothing to do with it. She’ll rearrange the home so it sells quickly.
Pause.
THROCK: What do you mean … “rearrange”?
ROCK: Redecorate! New drapes. New furniture.
Pause.
THROCK (chews the word): … “Refurnish”?
ROCK: Yes. Clean it up. Light it like a stage setting. Especially for the Bay
views ... for the most dramatic effect, as they say.
THROCK: What’s wrong with what we’ve got? Mother took great pains to gather
her “antiques”. She did her research, took tips from Ann Brebner and the Dali Lama! Theywrote her up in Sunset, The Pacific Sun.
Rock steps back.
ROCK: Home-staging will boost the final offer well above any costs incurred
for the staging – including furniture, artwork and prop rentals. Buck found a very talented, trusted woman to stage it. He’s known her family since high school. I’ve met her, and she’s sworn to your non-disclosure agreements.
THROCK: So, you’re saying we can’t afford – NOT to afford this “stage house” (sic).
Pause.
ROCK: In a manner of speaking, yes. We cannot-NOT afford to do it!
THROCK: I better like her rearrangements!
ROCK: The Buyers are gonna change it all anyway, once they move in with their
own furnishings ...
Long pause.
ROCK: Are you sure you really want to move out?
THROCK: Don’t make me change my mind – again.
ROCK (checks phone): We have to go … I’ll text them to say we’re running late.
LIGHTS
Scene Three
THE CAR, Highway 101. Same afternoon
AUDIO: Highway 101 rumbles.
PROJECTION: Freeway traffic follows behind.
ROSE in front seat with BUCK driving.
ROSE (scans phone): The Sellers are running late. Calendar clerk and docket
snafu. I know The Buyers don’t have much time today, or tomorrow.
BUCK (rattled): Of course, their new baby! They can’t be late! If only we could
cite our tardy Judge for Contempt of Real Estate! (beat) I wanna fly back to Nepal, where people don’t fret the time of day all the time … And nobody “judges” anybody!
ROSE (still in phone): Buck, The Buyers are already at The No Name!
BUCK: How long’ve they been there?
ROSE: Ten minutes.
BUCK: Did they sound annoyed, (beat) or just tipsy?
ROSE: Hard to tell. They’re an odd couple. (scans phone) They left us
a strange text message -- (reads) “S-F-L-R … 2-F-4-U … C-Y-S”
BUCK: Some message.
ROSE: Siri will translate …
Rose holds out Phone for Buck to hear.
VOICE OF SIRI (speakerphone):
… Sorry for Late Reply.... Too Fast For You.… Check Your Settings.
Rose and Buck regard each other quizzically.Pause.They shrug.
BUCK: Text them back, say we got hung up in Mill Valley. We’ll be there in
fifteen … I aim to meet His Honor in the driveway, right before they get home. I want him to lead us through that front door himself. And when he does, nobody should say a word! It should be all shock-and-awe for him, your stage picture. (beat) He’s never seen his place like that before. But, remember: let him do all the talking. Let him ask the questions, answer them, and talk himself into this sale. I’ll handle any stray comments. Stay as silent as you can.
LIGHTS
Scene Four
NO NAME BAR, Sausalito. Same afternoon.
AUDIO: Thelonious Monk plays Ellington.PROJECTION: A mirrored bar with shelved bottles.
FRANCES “BEE” DRAKE and CALEDONIA BRIDGEWAY sit and sip.Caledonia holds Clipboard with Petition.
BEE: Shut up! … NO-body???
CALEDONIA: Not one single signature … (sings) All-the-live-long-day!
BEE: Sausalito California! What’s happened to you!?!
CALEDONIA: Jerks! Marin’s full of lily-livered latte lovers living hand-to-mouth.
Look! (shows petition) … Empty petition! Lets move to Napa and just live from sauce-to-sauce. (beat) Live sober … like a judge!
BEE (perfect Spanish): Ay, Dios mio!
CALEDONIA (sings, false-basso): “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.
Nobody knows but … Jesus!”
BEE (aside): The World wasn’t ready for your sweet deep-fried bagels, either.
Caledonia puts down clipboard.She takes a slow sip of her drink.
Pause.
BEE: We need to at least LOOK at this one, Sweetie. It’s an exclusive sale! We’ve
got first crack at it, so to speak. Strawberry Point – nothing ever opens up on Strawberry Point! You can’t beat that short commute.
CALEDONIA: I don’t commute! Remember: “The Streetcar Always Rings Twice”!
BEE: You know I commute three days a week, across The Bridge. And Presidio
Radio pays for your beloved petition, don’t you forget. (perfect Spanish:) “Hablar Por Hablar” … (perfect English) Where would we be without my loyal HPR listener-sponsors? My Five-Oh-One-C-Three non-profit tax-cover for your lucrative international royalties!
Pause.
CALEDONIA (sips): Nobody knows Hispanic Public Radio like you know Hispanic
Public Radio. (beat) You’re my non-profit bi-lingual drinker with a grant-writing problem! You might as well be the new Garrison Keillor – gone, forgotten and totally erased from yourarchive’s memory. (beat) Sorry.Do I sound bitter? Oh, I know, you’ve yet to start on MY archive!
Pause.
Bee bites her tongue.Caledonia drops her glass with a noise that does not break it.
CALEDONIA (deep breath): We have no idea what your Judge’s house looks like!
It’s all so damn hush-hush. What’s the big secret? … “Hi, I’m Caledonia and I’m a bilingual alcoholic. I live with a hot-shot Hispanic celebrity who’s also a bilingual alcoholic. But she saved the entire Prairie Home Companion archive after Minnesota Public Radio tried to destroy it. She’s a local Shero – give her credit for that. And give me credit for trying to save California’s larynx!” (beat) Bartender, another round all ‘round! (beat) Welcome to Alcoholics Unanimous, we gather here Thursdays! (beat) All I need is a barbershop quartet!
Pause. Caledonia takes a sip.
CALEDONIA (tries to sing four-part harmony, all by herself):
“We are family,I got all my sisters with me …We are fam- … ”
Caledonia grabs her throat,bends over in pain.
CALEDONIA: Aaarrrgh! Mama!!! (beat) I keep telling myself ... stop it!
Pause.
Bee is rattled,checks phone.
Caledonia returns upright,attends her drink as if nothing happened.
Pause.
BEE: When’s your State submission deadline?
CALEDONIA (sips): Two weeks.
BEE: Two weeks! We’ll have to head back to Berkeley, or you won’t get
your three hundred sixty-six thousand autographs!
CALEDONIA: You’d think an arts festival would draw ‘em out. Liberal Marin …
Trust-Fund babes. (beat) Sure we wanna live here?
BEE: Let’s at least SEE the house!
CALEDONIA: What for? We’re just gonna demolish and rebuild.
BEE: Here’s what for (counts on fingers) – Fantastic City views! No commute!
Original owner! Great price! Redwood construction!
Pause.
CALEDONIA (checks watch): They’re late. Why didn’t they give us the
address? We could meet ‘em all there.
BEE: No way. It’s an expedited sale-by-owner, but through his exclusive private
agency – for secrecy's sake. (beat) We’re the only ones who know about it. Everybody’s a public figure – (perfect Spanish) un jefe o un honcho.
you have to “persuade” this time ... Pat Boone? (sings, Pat Boone voice):“Arms have I, strong as the oak for this occasion.Lips have I, to kiss thee too, in friendly persuasion” …
Pause.
BEE: Let’s just say we paid a hefty Finder’s Fee ... How do YOU know Pat Boone?
AUDIO: Bee’s phone rings.
She answers it.
BEE (on phone, perfect Spanish): Hola … y tu? … Dónde está Jorge? … Eh? …
Dile que necesito ese informe … Sabado noche!
Bee hangs up.
Pause. Caledonia sips.
CALEDONIA: They’d better hurry … We absolutely cannot be late! That would
break Lola’s little heart. Nobody to meet her at the terminal gate! Soclose to her new home, yet so far from her first home. An immigrant orphan stuck at SFO.
BEE: TSA will have her deported: our little Laotian daughter! (beat) OK, if our
agents aren’t here in ten minutes, we leave ... To think you thought she was Latina when you first saw her adoption forms!
CALEDONIA: Gotta get those reading glasses fixed!
BEE: At least we got to see her picture before we signed her paperwork.
CALEDONIA: So cute, unlike your Strawberry Point house … which we’ve yet
to see. Not even a Street View! (beat) Where ARE they?
BEE: Sounds very legal on paper. Built by a judge; occupied by the son of a judge.
CALEDONIA: This’s what happens when you start messin’ pleasure with politics!
Like Mama always said: “Politics pollutes ...
BEE: … and crime corrupts!” Unquote. I know. Ay, Dios!
Pause.
CALEDONIA: Not one single signature! (beat) Black Lives Matter, Dammit.
So does Mama’s larynx, rest her soul. (sings)“I once was lost but now I’m found.Was blind, but now I sing” (sic) …
Pause.
CALEDONIA: Just imagine, our new daughter has a voice we can shape! We’ll train
her to sing properly, give her proper lessons from proper professionals ... then sign her up with the Department of Vocal Registration. (beat) If I get my petition on the ballot, she’ll earnthe very first California Singing License! That’s our goal: the first officially licensed California professional singer ever to step onto a stage in our great state! The first state of the union to require it! Mama was a diva! She’ll be vindicated!
BEE: What if our new daughter is completely tone deaf?
Caledonia obviously has never thought about this.She starts to say something, stops.Long pause.
She turns, as if to leave.
BEE: I love you ... Your thoughts?
Pause.
Bee looks up to see BUCK and ROSE enter.
BEE: Oh! This must be them – the agent and his stage manager.
CALEDONIA (aside): Finally!
Buck and Rose each reach for handshakes as they approach.All shake hands as introduced.
BUCK (hands his card): Glen Madrone, Red Woodson Homes. Everybody
calls me “Buck”.
ROSE: Rose Spencer, how do you do?
BEE: Frances Drake … You know my voice from “Hablar Por Hablar”! My friends
call me “Bee”.
BUCK: Yes indeed – HPR, Happy Hour Radio!
CALEDONIA: You know my voice too. I’m Caledonia Bridgeway. EMI Records.
ROSE (impressed): I have your first album – “The Streetcar Always Rings Twice”.
Caledonia almost hops to a curtsy,holds out back of her hand.Rose blushes, as they grip fingertips.
Pause.
Buck checks phone.
BUCK: The Judge should be home soon, so we’ll head on over to Strawberry Point.
Where’re you parked?
BEE: Across the street.
Caledonia steps toward door, stops.She holds out Pen and Petition.
CALEDONIA: Can I get your signatures first?
LIGHTS
Scene Five
THE HOUSE, Strawberry Point. Next evening, twilight.
AUDIO: Home ambiance – bare echo.
PROJECTION: Angel Island and Sausalito sailboatswith San Francisco framed between them in distance.Walls once loaded with framed works, now empty but fora cross-stitched motto: “Nothing Beats Family”.
THROCK and ROCK box up for move.
His Honor puts down Box, stares out at the Bay.
THROCK (at window): Did you like The Buyers, that … “odd couple”?
ROCK: Don’t be nasty, Sir.
Throck turns from window.Starts to say something, stops himself.
Pause.
ROCK: They’re obviously old friends ... mates.
THROCK (blurts): “Queer” unquote. (beat) I mean – that’s no judgment on our part.
Throck turns back toward window.
Pause.
THROCK: We could not rule in that regard. Behind closed doors
ROCK: No, no … We understand our feelings.
Throck goes to window, looks out toward Bay.Pause.
THROCK (at window): I’ve lived here my whole life!
ROCK: I know.
THROCK (pointing): Richardson Bay – That’s my bay! Riley Richardson
was my best friend!
ROCK: Yes, indeed.
THROCK (sniffs): It’s not so … (can’t finish)
ROCK: … easy to leave Strawberry Point.
THROCK: That’s it. That’s it exactly. It’s not so easy to leave Strawberry Point …
You always know what I need to say, my best man! (looks around) Actually it doesn’t look all that bad – her “staging”. (beat) My strange house on stage!
ROCK: No, it’s nice … you’ve lived here your whole life. Now it’s a new stage.
THROCK (proud): Indeed I have, sixty-two years. Now I’m an appellate Justice,
appointed by Governor Brown!
ROCK: Not known for appointing caucasian men to the bench!
THROCK: After all I’ve been through. I couldn’t ask for any more than that.
(ponders) I’ve lived here my whole life … in paradise!
ROCK: Outlived them all … Your Mom. Your Dad.
THROCK: The Bridge.
Pause.
ROCK: Roger fled to South America with that so-called botanist, unquote.
THROCK: She was certified looney bird, by all rights. Little brothers never learn.
ROCK: And Linda married that Royal Mountie. We never see them at all.
THROCK: Who wants to visit a sister in Saskatchewan?
ROCK: For Christmas!?! It’s cold enough here ... Saskatchewan!
Pause.
Throck looks up at framed cross-stitched slogan on wall.
THROCK (reads): “Nothing beats family” …
ROCK (recites): … “like a family that beats itself.”
Pause.
THROCK: Glad to be rid of ‘em.
ROCK: Amen.
THROCK: Always gave me grief.
ROCK: I know. (beat) I saw it all the time.
THROCK: You can’t treat your own son like that! I took an oath of office!
ROCK: So did he.
THROCK: Where’d that get him? Out of office – out of breath!
Pause.
ROCK: And now you’ve got the judicial appointment HE always wanted.
THROCK: And to think I could now become a Feeder Judge! Curry favors!
ROCK: It’s possible, after all it’s First Appellate – San Francisco!
Where we (exaggerating accent) … cully flavols! (sic)
They chuckle.Pause.
THROCK: I’ll earn back the family honor! Judicially speaking.
ROCK: You’ll be vindicated.
THROCK: There’s a lot of prestige in a First District seat. A lot of influence:
Ruling. Deciding. Adjudicating! (beat) Citizen’s lives hung in the balance.
Pause.
THROCK: Nothing beats family …
ROCK: Except maybe Our Governor?
Pause.
THROCK: I’m not so sure we should sell.
ROCK: To them … or at all?
THROCK: Both!
Pause.
ROCK: Let’s sleep on it, Your Honor.
LIGHTS
Scene Six
RED WOODSON HOMES, Mill Valley. Next morning.
AUDIO: Muted Dixieland muzak. Distant phones, doors, voices.
PROJECTION: Redwoods visible through wraparound office windows.
BUCK and ROSE at table with binder and pile of paper. Waiting for a call.
ROSE: So his scam didn’t work?
BUCK: Blew up in his face. Big time. Unlike young Throckmorton, Red Woodson’s
son was a jerk. I don’t know why the Judge trusted him with the last sawmill in West Marin. He could have just as easily entrusted it to his own son. Instead he “gifted” it to his neighbor! A bogus deal to hide cash from some other bogus deal! He got the slammer. Red Junior is still in The Q.
ROSE: San Quentin?
BUCK: His permanent residence. They should-a dropped him on The Rock.
But it was closed by then.
ROSE: Alcatraz?
BUCK: You know your Bay Area prisons!
ROSE: To be a home-stager in Marin, you’ve got to know a little bit of everything.
BUCK: I could’ve ended up “staged” in San Quentin.
ROSE: What do you mean?
BUCK: I mean … I owe Judge Throck for getting me started on a righteous path,
after I took that devil’s turn with my last DUI. You don’t know drinking until you’ve tried to drive Panoramic Highway in the dark. I’m not sure what happened to this day. Just a strange thump on the road … Probably a deer … Judge Throck fixed my ticket. (beat) By the way, did the Judge call? Or his Mate?
ROSE: Not one word. The landline’s been silent all morning.
Pause.
ROSE: I just read something, “The Unwanted Sound of Everything …We Want” –
about noise pollution! The world’s such a noisy place! That’s why I’m the only house-stager who works without sound effects or music – I need to stage pure silence in a property(corrects herself) … into The Home. So our Buyers can make a quiet but informed decision, without distraction. Like your silent sales theory.
BUCK: What’s to say? It’s simple really, my whole theory in a nutshell: Let them
talk themselves into the sale with no sales-chat. Shut up, in other words. The less said, the better, in my view. In the old days, all I had to do was mention Grace Slick or Janis Joplin. Simply say they’d quote “considered living” unquote in the property. Otherwise I give ‘em my Silent Treatment. Let them talk themselves into the sale. That’s how I sold Bubbles and Winnie those side-by-side Sausalito mansions.
SPOT ON
Buck disappears.
Rose moves forward for quick monologue.
ROSE (again misquoting Dr. Seuss):
“Unless someone like mecares a whole awful lot.Nothing will get better,it simply will not.With brains in my head.And feet in my shoes.I steer myself nowhereI very well choose.”– Dr. Seuss, unquote
SPOT OFF
NO NAME BAR, Sausalito. That afternoon.
AUDIO: Muted Kozmic Blues like Janis Joplin’s “Maybe”.
PROJECTION: A mirrored bar with shelved bottles.
ROCK awaits ROSE who enters with Greeting Card
which carries a very personal message.
ROCK: Thanks for coming.
ROSE: This is most unusual, I must say.
ROCK: Most unprecedented, yes.
Pause.
ROSE: I’m not the listing agent, you know.
ROCK: Legally speaking.
Pause.
ROSE: I didn’t expect such a passionate note.
Rose moves closer.
ROSE: So blunt. (beat) And hand-written too!?
Pause.
ROCK: I wrote that all by myself!
ROSE: For me – alone?
Rock nods,
ROCK: I take great pride … in my personal penmanship.
ROSE: It’s lovely, for a man’s free hand.
Pause.
ROCK: From my heart … to your heart.
ROSE: Poetry. (beat) Pure poetry.
ROCK: “Unless someone like me cares a whole awful lot” …
ROSE: How did you know I love Dr. Seuss?
She hugs him.
ROCK: “With brains in my head and feet in my shoes” …
ROSE: My very own Dr. Seuss!
LIGHTS
Scene Seven
NO NAME BAR, Sausalito. Next day.
AUDIO: Muted Patsy Cline country like “I Fall to Pieces”
PROJECTION: A mirrored bar with shelved bottles.
Waiting are BEE and CALEDONIA. They leave stools and start to dance.
CALEDONIA: So … the Judge called YOU?
BEE: Yes.
CALEDONIA: His Honor … Himself?!?
BEE: Yes.
CALEDONIA: Wanting both of us to come back … and see the place again?
BEE: Yes! Without Buck Madrone and his “stager”. They get in the way, he said.
CALEDONIA: What else is there for us to see? He won’t sell. He made that
abundantly clear.
BEE: He wants to talk about some special … “arrangement” unquote.
CALEDONIA: What “special arrangement”!?! He knows we intend
to knock the whole place down. Right after they move out.
BEE (cool): Yes, he understands you detest the floor plan.
CALEDONIA: You and your old growth redwood. Stash windows, delk tile (sic).
BEE: Let’s hear him out … at least! (beat) He’s a man of great influence. He could
be a grand asset to both of us.
CALEDONIA: Why?
BEE: It’s not easy for two sistas to find a powerful and sympathetic white
man who can keep YOU out of trouble.
They stop dancing.
CALEDONIA (sarcastic): Hey! I resent that false flattery, Yo Honn-a!
BEE: You know what I’m sayin’, Caledonia Bridgeway!
They step apart.
CALEDONIA: All right. All right. (beat) All right!
Pause.
BEE: You’ll go back to Century Drive?
CALEDONIA: Yes.
BEE: One last time?
CALEDONIA: Yes.
BEE: With an open mind?
CALEDONIA: Yes.
BEE: And an open heart?
CALEDONIA: You know me: “The Streetcar Always Rings Twice”.
Again they dance and tug each other playfully.
BEE (perfect Spanish): Con una mente abierta y un corazón abierto.
They fake a “cat-fight” … thenslow their dance into a melting hug.
LIGHTS
Scene Eight
THE HOUSE, Strawberry Point. Twilight, next evening.
AUDIO: Muted Erik Satie. Distant Richardson Bay wave action.
PROJECTION: San Francisco in golden glow, framed between
Angel Island and Sausalito’s sailboats. “Family” motto still on wall.
ROCK and THROCK still packing Boxes.
THROCK (at window): The City has that certain glow after a rain.
ROCK: Indeed! Our view never looked this good. (beat) Winter Light.
Pause.
THROCK: You know I love Ingmar Bergman (abruptly) … There’s something
marvelous about her idea.
ROCK (absently): Who?
THROCK: Caledonia Bridgeway. The jazz singer with the plan for the California
Singing License. It’s not such a bad referendum, if you think it through. You need a license to hunt, a license to fish. You need a license to get married. A license to drive. When you’re born you’re certified; when you die you’re certified. Why not a certified state license to sing on stage?
ROCK: Makes sense, when you put it that way. (beat) The well-regulated life.
Pause.
THROCK: Are you aware her Mother died from a tragic karaoke accident?
ROCK: No!
THROCK: She told me all about it. Mama was addicted to karaoke. She couldn’t
stop singing. But she was improperly trained, so she had chronic laryngitis all the time, night after night. Plus she was a chain smoker, eventually destroyed her larynx over the years singing in hazy clubs. Died in the ER after an evening of tragic techno-pop at The Loose Noose.
ROCK: I didn’t know … (confused) … She’s a drinker?
Pause.
THROCK: You’re thinking about the younger one, Buck’s silent stager. Aren’t you?
ROCK (embarrassed): Oh yes, wrong her! … I’m thinking about Rose Spencer.
THROCK: I love what she did for the staging, don’t get me wrong! I like her.
ROCK (with courage): I like her too.
THROCK: I like her – for you. (beat) That’s my personal judicial judgment.
Long pause.
ROCK: I don’t know what to say, Your Honor.
THROCK: How about: “Nothing beats family …
ROCK (sheepish): … like a family that beats itself.”
Pause.
THROCK: I think you know – I’m in love! After all these years!
Pause.
ROCK (relieved): Yes ... Me too.
Pause.
Throck stands framed in picture windows.
THROCK: “To possess something no one else can have” … Who said that? (beat) It’s a
famous feminine quote. Lauren Becall, Grace Kelly. Somebody like that … one of the Hepburns?
ROCK: “To Have and To Have Not”?
THROCK (beat): Anyway, I’ve finally fallen in love – at my age!
Rock picks up a book of movie titles, absently.
THROCK: And with the BOTH of them. So perfectly paired
ROCK (not listening): “The Sun Also Rises” … Maybe?
THROCK: Such impressive, powerful women – setting out to make the world
a better place, as parents!
ROCK (still lost in his list): “Dark Passage”?
THROCK: Adopting. Adapting! Providing an heir, so I may pass on my legacy:
ROCK: “The Big Sleep”?
THROCK: Lola Throckmorton!
Beat.
ROCK (suddenly present): No!
THROCK: I need the phone!
Rock and Throck awkwardly wrestle for control of landline.
Rock finally pulls back phone,holds it high above his head.
Beat.
Throck hugs him.
Rock is shocked!Rock drops phone.Throck grabs it as it falls.
Rock jumps up as in a silent movie, waving arms.He exits, running.
Throck dials phone.Pause.
THROCK (into landline): “Caledonia! Caledonia! … What makes your big head
so hard?”
LIGHTS
AUDIO: Miles Davis “Elevator to the Gallows”.
Suddenly CALEDONIA enters seductively,
in full-length evening gown.
THROCK (to himself): I must get that smartphone!
They hug and cuddle.
BEE enters, to join them in the embrace.
LIGHTS
Scene Nine
THE CAR, Red Woodson parking lot. Next morning.
AUDIO: Muffled occasional street traffic.PROJECTION: Red Woodson Homes with redwoods.
ROSE in front seat with BUCK, who puts away his phone.
BUCK (hangs up): Idiot!
ROSE: His Honor!?!
BUCK: He refuses to sell!!!
ROSE: What!?!
BUCK: Says he likes it too much … the way it looks now.
ROSE: What gives? I thought he was your friend.
BUCK (snaps): YOU did this!
Rose is taken aback.
And hurt.
ROSE: Me!?!
BUCK: Yes – you! You STAGED it. (beat) To complete perfection.
Pause.
ROSE: That’s my job! (beat) We knew it was an “abnormal transaction”!
BUCK: Silent staging! No music. No draperies. No furniture. (angry) You kept
“eliminating elements” unquote. Until there was nothing there but views!
Pause.
ROSE: We talked about that! I was inspired by your Silence in Sales! How was
I supposed to know the Judge would love my minimalist style?
BUCK: You know any Judges!?!
ROSE: What do you mean by that?
BUCK: They make Judgments all day! They snap, those judgments! So, they
want things simple. Laid out for them to decide. Fairly!
ROSE: You HIRED me to do it, Buck.
Beat.
BUCK(still angry): Nobody’s above the goddamn law!
Pause.
ROSE (truly confused): What are we supposed to do now?
BUCK: We have no sale.
Rose looks at Buck.
Pause.
BUCK: Nobody’s getting paid!
Suddenly Rose leaps up.
ROSE: Maybe we can talk them into living together?
BUCK: What?!?
ROSE: The Judge … living there with both of them: Bee and Caledonia. There’s
plenty of room, even for the baby. She could have the guest house!
Pause.
BUCK: Fat Chance! What about The Rock?
ROSE: What about him?
BUCK: I mean he’s ...
ROSE (blurts): Rock’s leaving Throck!
BUCK: How do you know that!?!
Pause.
ROSE: A woman … knows!
Pause.
BUCK: Still … we have no sale! Real-estate has no value to us if there’s no sale!
ROSE (sits): True.
BUCK: He’s not selling! No sale – no commission!
Pause.
ROSE: But we’ll get a commission if we bring Ms. Drake and Caledonia into
the Trust. As Trustees! So Rock could pull back … or pull out entirely.
BUCK (ponders): You mean, His Honor can swap … room-mates!?!
ROSE: I’d like that ...
BUCK: To form a More Perfect Union.
ROSE: … a lot!
BUCK: Form a More Perfect Triumvirate! Damn! Another life lesson from Romans!
History can’t repeat itself if no one recalls the history! Unquote. (beat) I’ll never escape the classroom!
Pause.
Buck turns to Rose.
BUCK: You don’t need to hear my personal pet peeves!
ROSE: Buck, I’m not ask/
BUCK (abrupt): I’m through … That’s it!
ROSE: What?
BUCK: To hell with real estate – I can’t escape history, so I’ll return to the source.
And it won’t escape me this time … I’m off to Nepal! (chants) Oooommmmm….
LIGHTS
Scene Ten
AIRPORT, San Francisco. The following morning.
AUDIO: Interior airport wildtrack. Muffled announcements.
PROJECTION: “The Nerve Rack – Coffee and Teas”
ROCK and ROSE enter coffee shop.
ROSE: My real name is Samantha … Sam I am! But my first boyfriend was
named Sam too, so I dropped the name. Mom read me “Green Eggs and Ham” all the time! Sam I was ... Rose I am!
ROCK: Rose and … Sam you am!
SPOT ON
Rock freezes in place;
Rose moves forward for quick monologue.
ROSE (again misquoting Dr. Seuss):
“We all live on a small speck of dust.Lost in flecks of diamonds and rust.Clover-by-clover, no one do we trustto follow our lovers, to know what we must.One vagabond fellow, one friend in need,will pass your way, will you do the right deed?Will you offer him food or something to read?Will you settle his score and gallop his steed?– Dr. Seuss, unquote
SPOT OFF
Rock and Rose return to conversation.
ANNOUNCER: Virgin Air Flight 1270 to Puerto Vallarta now boarding, Gate 55.
Awkward pause.
ROCK: That’s our flight!
ROSE: You don’t mind (unsure how to say it) ... “changing teams” in mid-life?
ROCK: Never been on a team! (beat) His Honor and I never got intimate – if that’s
what you mean. We just cuddled and read in bed. (beat) I mean, we’ve never had sex!
ROSE: Never is a very long time … to not do something.
ROCK: I mean … I’VE never had sex.
ROSE (shocked): You’re … a virgin?!?
Pause.
ROCK: Yes.
ROSE: How old are you?
ROCK: Forty-two.
Pause.
ROSE: My, oh My! (to herself) Life, the Universe and Everything! (perfect Spanish)
Ay, Dios mio.
ROCK: I never got married! No girlfriends. No boyfriends. (beat) I’m too shy!
Pause.
ROSE: And ... the Judge? He’s celibate too?
Rock nods.
Pause.
Rose doesn’t know what to say.
ROCK: His Honor is my hero. He helped me out of more than one very tight
spot in my crazy life. When his Mom died and the family left him, I know there was no choice: I had to stay with him. But what can I do, now that he’s found someone else to cuddle at night? He’s an avid reader, loves books in bed. They might not like that!
Pause.
ROSE: I’m reading something strange, “The Unwanted Sound of Everything We
Want”. It talks about two things – the airplane and the car – that changed how the world sounds, forever. That’s why I say I’m a home-stager who works in a minimal way to create silence in the home … (beat) Life is a series of stages we all go through. Right?! It helps to shut up ... and listen.
Rock is unsure what to say or do now.Pause.He nods and scratches his ear.
ROSE: Like Caledonia says: “The Streetcar Always Rings Twice”!
She takes command, kisses him.Full frontal.Pause.
Rock enjoys it.
time around. (beat) So to speak.
Rose strokes Rock’s cheek.
He truly enjoys it.
ROCK (purring): You mean … I’m finally cured!?!
ROSE: No. I’m cured, like ham I am ... You’re just getting started!
They kiss again, at length.
ROCK (pulls back, surprised): And to think all we had to do was change our mind!?!
They continue kissing.
ANNOUNCER: Last call for Virgin Flight 1270 to Puerto Vallarta boarding at Gate 55.
They continue kissing.
END of PLAY
PRODUCTION NOTE
“My Staged House” is written for white-box production with minimal props:
binder with documents
clipboard with petition
book of movie titles
camera and cellphones
cardboard boxes
bar and barstools
table and landline
pair of chairs, and
perhaps a lamp.
CHARACTER BIOS
GLEN MADRONE, aka “BUCK” - 53 – Ex Tam High-school history teacher, now-owner of Red Woodson Homes in Mill Valley. Espouses “silence-in-sales” real-estate theory. White, divorced.
ROSE SPENCER – 33 – Former graphic artist and Buck’s favorite student, now transitioning into real-estate home staging. Former karaoke champion, loves Dr. Seuss, happens to be black. Single.
HON. MILLER THROCKMORTION II, aka “THROCK” and “JUNIOR” – 62 – Marin Superior Court Presiding Judge awaiting installation as Justice to State Courts of Appeal in San Francisco. Leaving family home on Strawberry Point, he’s never lived elsewhere.
ROSS KENTFIELD, aka “ROCK” - 40 – Judge Throckmorton’s bailiff and chief chamber-mate. Very buff ex-Marine, NFL running back and certified notary public who also functions as his Honor’s driver, executor and fiduciary. Happens to be African-American.
FRANCES DRAKE, aka “BEE” – 39 – Hispanic Public Radio talk show host and wannabe mama preparing to adopt Laotian child with her partner. She needs to upsize their home for new baby and her partner’s political plans.
CALEDONIA BRIDGEWAY – 36 – Frances’ partner – internationally known jazz vocalist, Black-Lives-Matter activist and petitioner for institution of California Singing License. Not yo’ mama’s sista!
VOICE OF SIRI and AIRPORT ANNOUNCER may be AUDIO tracks.
A silent BARTENDER may be used in the No Name scene(s).
* * *
copyright (c) 2021 by Jamie Jobb - all rights reserved
CAUTION: Nothing within these twin one-act plays may be replicated, for any reason, by any means, including any form of photographic reproduction, without expressed permission of the author.
These written works are subject to a royalty and are fully protected – in whole, in part or in any method of production – under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All rights – including professional, amateur, motion picture, radio, television, recitation and public reading – are strictly reserved by the author. All inquiries concerning performance should be addressed to him, contact details below.
First Edition: January, 2021
ISBN:
Library of Congress Catalog Number:
Jobb, Jamie
“My Staged House” or “Broken Homemakers of Strawberry Point”
“My Psychic Spouse” or “Homeless House-Sitters of Sausalito”
Contact Details regarding performance rights:
Jamie Jobb
Traveling Light Studio
Post Office Box 12
Martinez Ca 94553-0001
jamiejobb@gmail.com
925 723-1782
